Making private matters public yet again.

I made a post here some weeks ago, and I remember that there was someone who has commented something, but I did not reply. It may be late to say that, but I wouldn’t like to say thanks for that comment, it did help me. So thanks.

I also remember that even earlier I had made a post here about many issues that I was dealing with, and these issues hadnt disappear, some of then even got worser. I remember I even received some advice, and I didnt followed the advice, because I am stubborn, and today I think I should have paid more attention to that comment. It was about by brother who was starting to affirm himself as a trans woman, and I was (as a matter of fact I still am) in a process of assimilating this change, and start to look at things in a diferent way. Actually, I think there is some hipocrisy going on in this house right now, specially from my sister, but also me, I am not trying to accuse others and free myself from any charge, because definitely my behavior isnt perfect, and my conduct is very far from being irreproachable, and that isnt something very pretty to say, but its true, unfortunately. I really think that the increasing of visibility about the issues of trans population is something positive, and that people start to question the more traditional models of gender identity and start to explore other identities, I also think that is positive, and I believe it will have beneficial effects for our culture. Despite this belief of mine, when has come to the moment that my brother start to affirm himself as a trans woman, this change hasnt reached me in a very soft way. In any case, I don’t think this is something trivial, and I don’t want to make it sound like it is something trivial, just because I need to appear as suficiently progressive or politically correct. Any attempt to appear as something that I am not will not be a good thing, generally speaking, and if I am not progressive enough or politically correct enough, to pretend that I am will be just bullshit. But anyway, that matter isnt necessary related to politics, and I don’t want to make things more complicated than what they already is. What I am trying to say, and I don’t think I am talking bulshit here, is that is necessary to recognize what is going on in our heads, in our feelings, and sometimes, against our own beliefs, we have some psychological tendencies that lead us to act and see things in a way that can even contradict some of our beliefs. And if I choose to ignore all this deeply entrenched, unconscious patterns, then the probabilites that I will not be able to change myself, and act according to the beliefs I found valuable will be higher. So, thats what I am trying to say. In the culture from the country in which I live, from the family background where I grew, it would be a great naivety to think that this gender transition from one of the members of this family, would be something that will occur without any sort of reaction. even if those reactions doesn’t correspond to the actual conscious belief about the subject. Whether or not these reactions are justified, thats another point. The fact is, that these reactions exists, and it is important to acknowledge them. Thats something I need to work with myself, but isnt a smooth process, I wish it were. And I think this is fundamental to understand the following. My former brother, when this transition started, became very aggressive against all the family. And, as a matter of fact, from the pure ethical point of view, her actions could be considered as disturbing. But living in the place I live, I can even understand the anger, I get very angry sometimes here, but I can’t endorse the agressive acts, however. The only thing I can do is try to understand the cause of this, and not focus just on the effects. I mean, this Family was Always marked by this stamp of a fuzzy aggression; since I am the youngest of three siblings, I have Always heard my brother and my sister complaining all the time about my parents, and there was a point where I couldn’t fully understand why, but this kind of talk has become something natural, and honestly, I regret I listened that much to them. Because it has killed the confidence I had in my parents, and i am talking about a working class family in a third world country, so yeah, things are really tough, my parents may have committed some mistakes, but I think is way more productive to look at the problems of society as a whole, rather than focusing only in the familiar context, and interpretating all the bad things that happened simply as flaws from my mother and father. However, I understand in some degree, these feelings, but the problem is that i that I grew in this environment where it was something natural to cultivate hate for my parents, and at this moment this sounds quite insane, and I think this had had negative consequences in my life till this point. And perhaps my new sister’s agressiveness against family has a root there. So the old family problem only got worse in all this twenty three years of my life. But it is not enough to say just that. I can remember specific episodes, from my own experience, that is linked with a behavior from my parents that could be labeled as abusive. So there might be a part of the ressentment from my siblings that is justified. But I am not sure if all of it is justified. So, I reserve myself the right of not sharing these ressentments, and all this conversation that won’t lead us nowhere except from staring at a blank point on a wall dazzled by how much my life is fucked up.

Anyway, Im tired of talking about this. Today I realized (kind of late to realize that, but okay) that what I really need to do is focusing in how to adapt myself to the reality in which I live. I don’t see how can I run away from that. Sometimes I think about dying, and then comes that great feeling of redemption and peace when I think about that, but, if I decide to live I must adapt myself to this fucked-up world, and this fucked-up culture. Because, I believe I have serious problems of mal-adaptation, and probably thats the direction I need to focus, actively. Not just try to develop fully my potentials, and stuff like that, cause you know, to keep developing my potentials alone in a closed room most of the time is not exactly the life I want for myself. I need to be socially active. I need a job, and I don’t have not even a clue on how I am supposed to get job. I don’t know nobody, I don’t have very much skills that could be used in a company, so I am fucked. Thats what I think. I will try to get into the university next year, but I don’t know if am going to pass the test, because I haven’t really studied much for it. The only thing I can do it’s navigate through the internet, searching stuff, but that’s not very much, right? Its terrible, i don’t want to waste time, but at the same time I don’t know what to do. Reading the news is starting to make more sense to me, and I think that it may be a small move in trying to get in touch with reality, so I can adapt myself to it. But the picture isn’t very pretty, is it? And not just the facts about the world, but the facts about myself. I feel like there is a sadness about the world that connects with a sadness about myself, and it is hard to face those feelings, this reality, as it is also hard to face the everyday facts and the sad stories about the world in which I live. That sounds like a revelation, doesnt? I feel like everything is falling apart. Its scary.