Thinking about dying

All my life i thought i lived in hell, that i was tortured. I escaped some of the deepest darkes place and pulled myself out. But new hells come and new levels of torture come. Now i understand truly what it is like to be helpless. Now i understand what torture truly is. And this hell seems never ending. The moment i think we have escaped it pulls us back in. The one person i love the most in this world is suffering because of a doctors mistake and its trickled into multiple doctors and nurses. And shes in pain she cries she suffers and i watch helpless. I advocate for her i know everything i remember it all i fight for her against anyone and anything. But im tired so tired because its only me its been 3 months straight no breaks. And these people dont give a FUCK they are suppose to help heal and instead they cause more pain and delay recovery. Im helpless i am angry i am heart broken i am exhausted. I dont want to keep living like this i hold everything in and it eats away at me internally. I started sobbing for the first time right now i truly wish i would die so it can end. I cant bring myself to comitt suicide because the person i love deserves better. But im trapped in a hell i cant escape.