I’ve been fighting my battles my entire life, attempting to just be “ok”. I look back and feel such sadness for the younger versions of myself. My past doesn’t hurt me, at least not the same way anymore. It has made me a different person, angrier and worn down. Before me dying was a simple solution to complex suffering I couldn’t seem to get past. Seeing it now I know why everything in my life happened the way it did. I was meant to care for my relative I am her keeper and I wouldn’t change anything. I have watched her suffer far more than I ever have and she maintains her faith and still worries about others, I admire that quality. I have seen her in a burn unit because a medication she was given caused an allergic reaction so severe that her body burned from the inside out. I cleaned her burns as she cried and screamed in pain day after day for the SECOND time in her life from a condition that is rare. She had to experience it 2 times and it was incredibly difficult for me to watch. She went in for a simple outpatient procedure and ended up with her esophagus perforated! She had to have a feeding tube placed and had 5 surgeries because of it and was on a ventilator repeatedly. Her quality of life is severely diminished now and no one seemed to take responsibility or offer any help. These doctors have god complexes and these nurses hate their jobs and take it out on patients and it angers me. I have so much anger, because no doctor offers any help for her medical complications they just stabilize and kick her out. As if it was not already difficult on her and me this pandemic has made it even worse. She is so fragile, if she were to get sick she most likely wouldn’t survive it. So she doesn’t see doctors or go to the hospital because it’s to big of a risk. Sure there are televisits, but she requires face to face evaluations and labs. I can’t live my life, I can’t go to the store because if I get it I bring it home to her. I look at this world and I am repulsed and disappointed. We have grown ass people throwing TANTRUMS about trivial things being closed or about having to wear a mask and be inconvenienced. We have the wealthy taking their precautions but demanding those below them work no matter the risk because some how the working classes health is of no importance. The ugliness of the world is showing, and it is rotten and rancid. These dark secrets are coming to light, innocents who lost their lives because of monsters. We can not possibly be humans living in such inhumane ways. Everyday I pray to god that I don’t get sick and need surgery because no one will be able to take care of my relative. I pray that she doesn’t get so sick that she is required to go to a hospital. And then I see someone throwing a tantrum because they are required to wear a mask in a store!? It angers me, how egotistical?! I know that none of this will end anytime soon but what kind of life is this?! Everything I have been through and overcame has taken a piece of me. I am worn down to the point where I don’t have much fight left in me.
All I have ever wanted is for someone to understand me, where I am coming from. No one ever does it is like they are incapable of understanding. They can’t imagine or even empathize the things I’ve been through and continue going through. I figure if I am so quick to throw my life away then let it be for something that matters. So I have been sacrificing my life for over a year in place of a sick relative. I sacrificed pursing a career so I could devote more time and care to her. My happiness sacrificed, relaxing, traveling, friendships, relationships, having kids. And when my relative dies I will have nothing left just a shell and I will have no one left that I truly love and care for. This is hell on earth and it hurts to be alive truly, I’m living a slow and painful death everyday. I look forward to the day when I feel nothing when I cease to exist and all the hurt goes away. My pain has been abusing me and I am at my breaking point. I have been strong I have fought an overcome many things in my life. I don’t want more things to overcome if living means continuing this vicious cycle then I would truly rather be dead. I give up, I am tired of trying, I am defeated, I need help I can’t seem to get, I am done.
I haven’t been able to live and enjoy my life yet. There is always something sinking me to the bottom of the darkest holes. And each time I drag myself out its like leveling up and the next set of shit becomes more and more impossible. 2019 was an awful year, a draining year, the year that literally killed me inside. The year I wanted to blow my brains out more than I ever had before in my life. The year that I cut again so deep that I have a huge scar reminding me of how defeated I am. And then 2020 comes and the world starts to crumble and the ugliness of society is revealed and people lash out. And I cant help but think the world is coming closer to an end and I haven’t had a chance to be truly happy.
I have but 1 relative that always helped me no matter what and never threw it in my face or demanded anything in return. She has no kids I’m the closest thing she has to one. She has tons of medical problems and any time she needed me I was there. No matter what I was there. I put my life on hold to help her, no one else cares to help so it ALL falls on me. But everyone is quick to try and give advice or tell me what to do as if their opinion is even relevant the .001 seconds they came around in comparison to my years of knowledge and experience. As her health got worse and mistakes and complications happened at a piece of shit hospital with a piece of shit surgeon and the piece of shit health care that won’t fucken help. I have had to stop working completely to care for her which leaves me broke. Her social security helps us all stay a float but that isn’t enough. I believe in my heart that she can recover I really really do but she has to try, it isn’t going to be easy but I will help her I swear it! But she gives up she’s tired and honestly I get it I can’t fault her. Lately it’s more of her going against everything I’m trying to do to help her she fights me she won’t take her medicine or any of the supplements. I fight her more than anything and I’m so tired because for nearly 7 months basically all of 2019 I’ve fought for her. I’ve fought Doctors who are incompetent I’m in shock as to how they are doctors. Nurses who are neglectful and could careless about patient care. Medical insurance, social workers you name it I’ve argued with them. All to get her the basic care she deserves! INSANE!! I’m tired and I’m defeated! Then I have a relative visiting for the holidays that one second says they are shocked at how bad it is and they want to help out and they help with little chores. But the moment they get upset they throw it all in my face as if I asked for helped! And have the audacity to say they will be contributing financially what do I do?!!! As if the $300 or so dollars they are planning to send even come close to the hours of care I provide?! The medications that I research and give accordingly with supplements to help. The fact that I make sure the care program she’s in because of me refills her prescriptions in a timely manner and sends her incontinence supplies, wound care, and feeding supplies. All the time I spend checking vitals and setting up a feeding pump every single day, making food in the hopes that she will eat it changing her pampers cleaning her adjusting her in her bed with no one to help!! Sleeping in hospital chairs if at all but the $300 they want to send and the little bullshit they fixed up all that compares to what i do?! Here I am with no escape, she needs to be in a facility that can care for her round the clock she can only get that if she sells her house. When that happens I am homeless, I haven’t been able to work so I have no money. It is minimum $800 for rent a month with a requirement of 2 to 3 times monthly rent in income along with fees and deposits. How? I’m fucked no matter what I choose. I feel so alone so hurt and broken.
I’ve come on here over the years to vent, to write about the things I feel. Things normal people would dismiss without any understanding what so ever. I fought hard and I had some years of relief I suppose but now its back with a vengeance. It’s like this fucked up form of cancer that literally sucks the life out of you. I went 7 years without cutting without a single thought of planning out my suicide. I cut again I sliced away the first slice was the deepest. There was hardly any relief it was mostly disappointment that I ended up back here again. Life is harder this time, I’m worn down and don’t want to try or fight anymore. I don’t want to die I know deep down I don’t but I can’t live like this I can’t. I’m stuck all the options I have to escape are impossible, they all end with me being fucked. So what am I to do? There is no silver lining there is no hope for better all of that requires effort I no longer have in me to make. I have been fighting and trying since I was about 8 to be better to get away from all the hurt. Only to realize 21 years later that there is no escape it’s everywhere. I’m tired I give up I mixed antipsychotics with alcohol and slept all day yesterday and today. I wish I would have stayed asleep but I woke up, I always wake up. I’m afraid truly afraid of killing myself and ending up in a hell worse than this with absolutely no escape. Or attempting to kill myself and being unsuccessful. So here I am contemplating what to do
All my life i thought i lived in hell, that i was tortured. I escaped some of the deepest darkes place and pulled myself out. But new hells come and new levels of torture come. Now i understand truly what it is like to be helpless. Now i understand what torture truly is. And this hell seems never ending. The moment i think we have escaped it pulls us back in. The one person i love the most in this world is suffering because of a doctors mistake and its trickled into multiple doctors and nurses. And shes in pain she cries she suffers and i watch helpless. I advocate for her i know everything i remember it all i fight for her against anyone and anything. But im tired so tired because its only me its been 3 months straight no breaks. And these people dont give a FUCK they are suppose to help heal and instead they cause more pain and delay recovery. Im helpless i am angry i am heart broken i am exhausted. I dont want to keep living like this i hold everything in and it eats away at me internally. I started sobbing for the first time right now i truly wish i would die so it can end. I cant bring myself to comitt suicide because the person i love deserves better. But im trapped in a hell i cant escape.
I’ve attempted suicide several times in my past. I’ve taken several prescription sleeping pills and pain pills hoping that I could escape. And each time I woke up with tears in my eyes. I felt like this was my own personal hell. I started cutting to help it was a distraction from the mental anguish and sometimes it was a punishment to myself. It was hard to believe there was a god and since I was a child up until now I just can’t. How could he be ok with what was happening to me, how could he let such horrible things happe I sexually molested starting at the age of 8 and it just continued until I was 21. It ranged from relatives to fathers of friends. I was sexualized and touched inappropriately. I knew it was wrong, it felt wrong but I froze. I started to mimick that with others. I found myself sexualizing others, and I have never said it out loud before or typed it or allowed myself to think it. I was a child and I saw myself becoming a monster, and I stopped being sexual. It seems bizarre for a child to be sexual, never had sex just inappropriate touching. As I got older i despised the idea of being touched or touching anyone. And then I met my best friend when i was 15 and in all the chaos and saddness in my laugh he brought me laughter he uplifted me. I grew to love him and I trusted him with my life. I told him everything that happened to me and kept happening. And it was such a huge darkness and ripped us apart. Idk if he ever loved my at least truly loved me. I do know that he tried saving me but I had already given up and i dragged him down. He became this awful person or maybe he always was this person and i just never realized it. He hurt me mentally and physically. He lied and i shattered the person i trusted with everything betrayed me and that was the deepest cut. Despite that i loved him and we got a second chance but it showed me the monster he was. He broke my heart and that wasnt enough he broke my spirit. I may not have died physically but internally all those suicide attempts all of this killed me. Im sure many of you can relate to how difficult it is to fight the depression its literally like going against everything you know. And the hardest part is getting back up and trying really trying. But i did that, i pushed myself to be better to do better. I cried almost daily, i wished i would die, i thought about giving up because it was too hard to try. Despite that i pushed, i went to college and worked 2 jobs to pay for it. I graduated and i didnt feel as proud as i thought i was. I worked so hard to try and love myself, to succeed. After i failed a test 2 times to start my career i gave up again. I allowed myself to get depressed, to hate myself, and most importantly to give up. I have a relative possibly the only one that has every truly and selfishlessly loved me who has been in the hospital for a month. And almost all my time is spent there, i refuse to leave them alone. And so I am there to defend them to fight for them. But its exhausting and i have my own battle to fight. I deserve it i swear i do! Look at everything ive gone through the pain ive experienced. I am a kind hearted person i deserve happiness. No one else can save me but me ive learned that the hard way. And the scars remain from the times I cut myself and the scars from the fucked up shit ive been through remains. And it left me fucked up and i cant seem to function. I cant seem to make my deepest dreams come true or allow myself to want to achieve those dreams. Im venting, going through the waves of emotions.
The depression is back in my life, and I can’t seem to shake it. I have nothing to really be sad about, the things that suck in my life I HAVE THE ABILITY to change it and make it better. But that doesn’t change how I feel. I know I deserve better and that I deserve to allow myself to be happy. But years full of fucked up bullshit have me too afraid to actually allow those things to happen, too afraid to legit try. I am so terrified of failing and feeling hurt again. Because if everything falls apart again I don’t know that I will have the strength this time around to pick myself up.
My family is unhealthy, they have caused each generation to be fucked up. They belittle and break instead of support and nurture. They are toxic, my depression and suicide attempts stem from all the seeds of self loathing they planted and helped grow. I’m older now and I don’t hate myself I may actually love myself so it doesn’t affect me like before. I stay out of obligation? fear of truly being alone? Who knows? I take care of 2 elderly relatives and it wouldn’t sit right with me if I just left them alone. So I stay I plan some stupid future to keep everyone close and for what? I want to be as far away from these people as possible. The moment I can support myself and the elderly have gone to a better place I want to vanish. I don’t ever want to see these people again I’d rather be alone to be honest. I’d rather the misery of loneliness than that of constant disappointment and betrayal. I don’t want to die, at least not literally. I do however want to be dead to them. And it hurts to admit it because that isn’t normal but I truly think that would be the best decision in my life. I completely understand my fears of having children of my own or the thought of wanting a child. Look what I grew up in! My family isn’t the only thing this entire world is an ugly place how could I bring a life here to suffer?
Life has sucked significantly so this last year or so. From failing an exam and not being able to do what I got my degree in to working at an awful place. I decided that I wanted to enter the new year without any of the negativity. So I decided to quit that job that made me so unhappy. And as life had it that awful slime ball boss was treated like the trash he treated everyone else like and the owner fired him. Instant karma. I can now focus on studying to retake the exam and pass it third time is the charm right? I officially ended the situationship that was going on for over 4 years, there has been absolutely no contact. Strange enough I met this guy back in the beginning of November and he literally is like a great guy. The catch is I found out that he is 15 years older than me! And he lives with his mom but she is disabled and he does take care of her but still weird right? I won’t allow myself to like him or anything it feels so wrong he’s so old but he doesn’t look it. I think it’s all bringing up trauma from the past. Being sexually molested as a child and when I was a young adult. Because of this I have a constant internal battle with myself the part of me that enjoys sex and craves intimacy and the part of me that is repulsed by anything sexual. I don’t know how to feel or what to do I just know that this man is the kindest man ever and he thinks the world of me.
This world is such an ugly place overwhelmingly ugly. I ended up accepting a job I didn’t intend to accept and it pays next to nothing. The boss is some slimey sneaky guy and we discussed an hourly rate and yet he made me salary. And asks me to work overtime for some bullshit day rate that he still doesn’t pay me. I hate the job and realized that I want my previous profession so much more now. I have mixed emotions about sex, I very much enjoy it but at the same time it’s so disgusting and I want the desire to go away. I suppose I’ve gained so much weight and just am unaware of it. My self esteem is deteriorating lately, I went on a date with a guy I met online and he left me at the movies alone, another guy did some furniture repair and I had no interest in him other than his services and he blocked me. But eating unhealthy has always been my go to and I don’t care to change that. I just feel like it sucks but I’m ok with myself, but maybe I shouldn’t be? I feel disappointed and I just cry because this isn’t where I want to be in life or how I want things to be. I understand that I have complete power to change this and yet I choose to sit and wallow. I DON”T GET WHY, like my inner thoughts can’t seem to make my body do what it should. I’m on the side of life I escaped from and I don’t want to be here much longer because I know I will start to sink like quick sand.
Still here, still fighting every day to keep my head above the ocean that is pain. I’m tired, no matter how much I sleep or how much I do nothing the exhaustion remains. More often than I’d like I get the urge to give in and let myself be submerged and drown. I cry because I don’t know what else to do, I am overwhelmed. I am alone because I’m too afraid to let anyone in and it sucks. I am damaged and no matter how hard I try to I can never be ok. There’s this guy that I was hooking up with and it lasted for 4 years and it was a situationship. What I mean is that there were things about it that were relationship type of problems or situations but there was never a real relationship established. I decided to truly end it November 2017, and I did for longer than I thought. But he came back into the picture 6 months later and I was weak and let him back in. Deep down I guess I want more with him or I like him on some level but at the same time he annoys me and I hate him and want nothing to do with him. The conversation has come up about feelings and we have always ended up agreeing to leave things the way they were. I’ve asked him to leave me alone, to find someone else to hook up with and still he comes back. I don’t know why he won’t just leave and find someone else go fall in love with someone. I’ve pushed him away and said that I would always be alone and he says that he will always be there to hook up with me. Honestly it’s pathetic and I don’t want to be 40 and single and hooking up with some guy. If I’m going to be single then I mean that, I don’t want anyone around. He doesn’t seem to hear anything I’m trying to say though believe me. He’s actually an attractive guy, it really shouldn’t be that hard for him to find someone. Whether it’s someone to just hook up with or someone to date, I hate myself for fucking up. My life has already been spiraling downward and now this is just one more thing. I don’t have a job, I spent all this money on a fucking degree and I’m too stupid to pass a certification exam. I’ve taken it twice and only get 4 attempts, pathetic. I’m having to change my career but no luck finding anything that will remotely pay enough. Soon enough I won’t have a place to stay and I’ve been taking care of 2 elderly relatives round the clock for years now and more so lately as their health has severally declined. Them dying frightens me and stresses me out. So of course submersing myself in this ocean of pain seems so much easier than fighting to stay above it. What is the point? Why am I fighting so damn hard for? There is no real future here let’s be real, there’s no mission I must complete in this life. Why can’t I just die, why is that not a LOGICAL option? Because I swear, lately it makes perfect sense..
It’s a new year but somehow old feelings have returned. I am truly unhappy with my life, I want to die again. I feel such disappointment and disgust with myself and I want to hurt again. I’m tired and I feel purposeless I’d rather just die and burn in hell. I’m fucked up and I always will be and this world will always be a fucked up place. I’m just tired so very tired of trying I just want to give up…
I wanted to cut, I actually considered it. I’m suppose to be continuing to get better and instead I am just falling back into this depressed state. I feel like a complete failure and the one person I want to talk to this about I just can’t. I feel like he will finally see me for the failure that I am and I’m not ready for that. I cry a lot and honestly death is so much more welcoming now and thats such an awful thing. I worked so hard to better myself just to end up right back here again.
I compare where I am at now to where I was before and it is night and day. Before every time I would get upset I would end up wanting to just die. I would be so overwhelmed with emotions that suicide was the best escape. I remember taking so many sleeping pills and pain pills. I could feel myself slip away and I couldn’t tell if I was breathing or if my heart was beating. I did this countless times and I would always wake up to my body forcing me to throw up. I turned to cutting and each cut I made gave me a sense of release I cut my ankles and my wrists. No one understood me, all I was trying to do was to stop my pain and this was the only way that made sense to me. I wouldn’t be able to function on bad days so I would miss school and lock myself in my room and cry. Eventually I realized that I was hurting myself that I wasn’t being compassionate to myself. I made a promise that from there on out I would try to love myself that I would be more compassionate. I didn’t miss school anymore I kept going no matter what. I didn’t beat myself up over mistakes anymore I just moved past it. I started to be selfish and put myself first for a change, I did what I wanted. I stopped cutting and I stopped attempting suicide and eventually my suicidal thoughts stopped. I didn’t want to die, I decided that I deserved to live. I worked hard and accomplished my goals. None of this happened over night it was a very long road and it took 5 years. And I’m not saying that I’m fixed and that I’m all better, I’m just saying I don’t feel as horrible as I used to. I am bipolar and this has made everything so much more difficult but I have made it this far and I am proud. I still feel emptiness, sadness and loneliness but it doesn’t consume me anymore and control my life. My emotions were like chains that tied me down and life wasn’t worth living that way. But not allowing my emotions to control me has broken those chains and freed me to roam as I please and this now is a life worth living. I’m not sure how many people are still left from before but I’ve posted on here a lot over the years and it has been a difficult battle but it is doable. I read your comments I know I don’t reply but I want you to know that I acknowledge the things that you say. I wish you the best.
Still struggling but making it Alina
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder some years back but I refused to accept that. To me the issues that plagued me were controllable. Medicine wasn’t a solution but rather hard work and effort was. I took meds for awhile and I remember feeling like I couldn’t react emotionally. I was seeing both a psychiatrist and a psychologist regularly and I don’t feel like it really helped me. I felt like I was better like I was just in a bipolar situation not that I was bipolar. In my mind there was nothing wrong with me, I didn’t need or want to be fixed. But it makes sense my mood swings still exist only they are more subtle. I feel unhappy deep down and I’m only happy sometimes. I don’t know how to completely save myself, I’ve done so much already. I have given myself a future and made myself happier than I have ever been, yet it isn’t enough. I’m not all better there was a flaw and there is still sadness and emptiness every time my mind is allowed to wonder.
I thought that I was happier, that the issues that plagued me had been healing this whole time. I threw myself into my education into building a future and I hardly ever had any time off. I graduated with a bachelors of science and I am done with my education it is summer break for me. I have had a week off and I’ve had so much free time that it is insane. With all this time I have come to realize that I didn’t get happier, I haven’t been healing, if just been too occupied to focus on the depression. I’m worried that I won’t have a job like I thought I would. I’m worried that I’ll have too much of this free time and start to fall back into the same hole again.
3 years ago I was heart broken and sad beyond all reason. I threw myself into school and got lost in trying to be successful. I worked harder than I ever have and in 4 days I will finally be graduating with a bachelors of science. I made it, can you believe it?! Me!! I did this, I’m going to be starting a career soon. I feel relief and joy because this was the ultimate goal and I have accomplished it. Everything is different now in comparison to how it once was and yet deep down I still feel the same. I don’t have anyone that I would really care to share this day with and my family is already wanting to celebrate mothers day on my graduation day. We agreed that today we would celebrate mothers day and on Sunday it would be my day. I feel selfish but is it truly so wrong to have a day where it is about me? I worked so hard for this, I suffered for this I feel like I deserve to have the day be about that. And I guess I’ve just been really sensitive and emotional lately and it irritates me. I feel as though things feel the same even though things are different if that makes sense.
I watched the show and if you aren’t familiar with it, it is about a girl who commits suicide and her story of why. I have had dozens and dozens of reasons over my life time and I’ve attempted suicide in the most ineffective ways. I’m glad I didn’t die I’m glad that I no longer cut but the truth is the pain, and life, it still sucks I just no longer react to it with wanting to hurt myself or ending my life. I figure I suffer enough as it is I should at the very least be kind to myself. I talk to myself about it I try and figure out ways to cope and it’s worked. Maybe I’ve gotten good at shutting out the bad? But my pain remains and my sadness still lingers the only change is how I respond to it.
Exactly a year ago today my aunt died, she left this world and me behind in it. I feel mixed feelings because for one she isn’t suffering on this other but she’s also not here for me to laugh with or hold. She was amazing and was always positive with me I was her princess her favorite niece. She isn’t here anymore and I still don’t believe it somehow it still feels like a bad dream. She was still so young and it was so unexpected and I miss her every single day. And my younger cousin who was like a sister to me got pregnant and I was devastated because she is still in high school and her life was going to be really hard. And she has had a miscarriage today and I can’t help but feel relief and happiness because I feel as though she gets a second chance to have her life back. I’m still seeing the guy I swore I’d stop seeing because he is persistent and I give in to temptation. And I can’t tell if any of this is better or worse? I feel like my own life is unraveling and I’m loosing control, I’m sick to my stomach.