Hello again. Third times the charm I guess.
Since the last post I have tried all my efforts to recover and improve myself mentally and career wise. I got two jobs that I’m excited for (or maybe was, I’ll explain in a bit) and I finally was taking steps towards going to see a gender therapist to make a realistic transition timeline. So nothing can go wrong to where I can keep on living through even the toughest times right? (Spoiler alert: it all went wrong.)
Let me take you back about two years ago. At a new environment with no one I was familiar with, I joined a small organization that focused on activism and providing a safe space for all. I made who I thought were some of my closest friends and enjoyed every minute working with them. And only recently did i find out they didn’t enjoy my company anyway.
An altercation lead to several events which ended in me officially resigning as an officer for this org. And i wanted to leave in a peaceful matter and not add any fuel to the fire. So it was a shock when i realized I was being called transphobic and gaslighting other members to turn against them (if you somehow remember my last post you might realize the irony in this statement). I was told I was invalidating them for considering to listen to the criticisms of the org, and I immediately decided to apologize and admit i was wrong and stated that I never meant to harm them.
Before anyone jumps into the “this is clearly abuse” comments, I know of this. I gave up my integrity and self respect just to prevent them from spreading misinformation of me being transphobic because I retweeted a tweet that misgendered one of the pronouns. Call it irrational, call it out of proportion, call me stupid for falling for it. It is still the same ending: I am in their control. And I was nothing but a puppet for them.
I’ve called the hotline recently about it, and even hearing not only from an anonymous caller but from others who have told me this kind of power was unethical and wrong and that I was in my right to defend myself: I still feel so much guilt to where I don’t know if I can go on. I still fucked up and even after I apologized I don’t deserve to be forgiven.
The people I thought I could count on, turned on me. My friends, hate me. I hate me. I think I am my own biggest enemy, and I’ve always had this self hatred that can be extremely toxic. I’ve keep telling myself in my head I was never good enough, that I don’t deserve saving, and that the world will turn into a better place if I stopped stealing the oxygen from the Earth and rot away from history for good.
It is so hard to move on from the people who I thought I bonded with for so long. I’ve eaten less due to the stomach cramps I’ve been getting this whole week, I sleep less than what I really should, my work performance has suffered. And my tiny little demon is just there, saying that this is my punishment for betraying my friends by thinking of myself first.
I’m going to counseling services tomorrow and am going to emphasize how this has begun to affect my school performance. I am taking the first step to find help, and I guess i wrote all of this to document what has happened to me thus far. I look back on the posts I’ve made previously when I am at my lowest points so I can tell myself “I went through this shit, and I’ll get through this one as well.”
Hopefully this one will be an addition to how far I’ve come after all of this. Thank you and I hope to all of you that when you have nothing else left, there’s still enough strength in you to fight one more time.
Eddie