feel like i’m reaching the end of the line

I’m also hesitant to kill myself because pain is a big thing in the way. I’ve been planning suicide for the last 15 years and originally the master plan was that I’d be dead within a week or so of my 18th birthday… which was 7 years ago.. because at 18, it is legal to buy guns from the store. I am not into killing myself with most any other method because of the pain involved and I’ve always thought, one bullet, high powered enough, one shot to the head, you’re out, immediately and no matter how much back attack or if, or if not, you do not initially feel the tremendous pain of the bullet going in, you will die immediately so even if there was pain, after death you could never feel anything ever again and it’s like you were never cursed to this life.

For a long time, I thought that would be the most painless and effective method – just because you die on impact. But I’ve been unable to get a gun personally. If it’s not my stalkers, it’s another thing…. like I am about as homeless as you and could not get 250$ or any money to afford the shotgun for 5 years. Luckily, now I have a job (and of course the only reason I would ever get a job to be able to kill myself so I can willingly feel like I have a choice to leave this life that I don’t and have never wanted to save.) But now I’m looking more into asphyxiation by noble gas, I hear you feel nothing but elation as the oxygen in your body is replaced by a poisonous gas. But I’ve always been afraid of necrophilia, that one of my stalkers or a strange crazy person would try to copulate with my dead body, so iveplanned for years and years to kill myself in the middle of nowhere where no living people would ever go, so my body is not found. Therefore it could not be r*ped. The last 3 years after I got my shotgun and my stalkers took it away, however I did not accomplish my goal of avoiding necrophilia completely, instead they’ve started to r*pe me by paraphilia (when I sleep) I’ve been attacked paraphillacly 179 times since the time I waited 12 years to get my suicide gun and then I got it and the very next day, was followed by random strangers who took it from me. I was going to finally kill myself that day after doing nothing but waiting for 12 years. I’d never been happy before in my life……. before holding my baby, this shotgun.

With how much of a stupid, little, Mormon town (where the Mormons are actually all child r*pists and porn addicts and sex offenders that were never reported..) that I live in – I’ve had a lot of trouble getting this done. Without random Mormons (complete strangers)getting into my face and taking me hostage and holding me captive in order to torture me and r*pe me so that I can’t accomplish my life goal of committing suicide really young (18).