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feel like i’m reaching the end of the line

by jjotterbear

I just turned 29. I’ve accomplished nothing with my life. Because I’m a useless piece of shit. I have Borderline PD. I just got diagnosed with Type 2 Diabetes. I have PTSD due to an abusive mother who never loved me. I am facing imminent homelessness. no job, no where to go. Will probably die on the streets this winter. I have a friend who is also facing homelessness. I love him dearly, but I feel like I can’t help him and that i’ll let him down. Or that I’m just a liability to his success. I just don’t see or feel any hope anymore. and lately, well, I can’t deny the logic behind killing myself. I mean, it would solve literally all these problems, wouldn’t it?

I just want my friend to be safe, and then I just want to die. Because the whole “it gets better” stuff? Pure bullshit. No, sometimes shit just gets worse and worse and worse and never gets better. Life is not a disney movie and never will be.

I just also feel that maybe everything in my life has been leading up to this. To suicide. I’m so tired. So fckin tired. Exhausted with being alive. With existing. I just want an end. But like the ever pathetic suicidal cliche, I’m too afraid of the pain associated with killing yourself. So instead I just feel stuck and trapped. things are getting worse, but i lack the courage to bear the physical pain of suicide. So I just hope something else kills me. Hell, I find myself hoping to be a victim in a mass shooting these days.

I’ver just lost all hope. With any luck, my body will betray me and I’ll have a heart attack or a stroke or something.

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Cause of Death: Suicide 9/7/2019 - 2:10 am

I’m also hesitant to kill myself because pain is a big thing in the way. I’ve been planning suicide for the last 15 years and originally the master plan was that I’d be dead within a week or so of my 18th birthday… which was 7 years ago.. because at 18, it is legal to buy guns from the store. I am not into killing myself with most any other method because of the pain involved and I’ve always thought, one bullet, high powered enough, one shot to the head, you’re out, immediately and no matter how much back attack or if, or if not, you do not initially feel the tremendous pain of the bullet going in, you will die immediately so even if there was pain, after death you could never feel anything ever again and it’s like you were never cursed to this life.

For a long time, I thought that would be the most painless and effective method – just because you die on impact. But I’ve been unable to get a gun personally. If it’s not my stalkers, it’s another thing…. like I am about as homeless as you and could not get 250$ or any money to afford the shotgun for 5 years. Luckily, now I have a job (and of course the only reason I would ever get a job to be able to kill myself so I can willingly feel like I have a choice to leave this life that I don’t and have never wanted to save.) But now I’m looking more into asphyxiation by noble gas, I hear you feel nothing but elation as the oxygen in your body is replaced by a poisonous gas. But I’ve always been afraid of necrophilia, that one of my stalkers or a strange crazy person would try to copulate with my dead body, so iveplanned for years and years to kill myself in the middle of nowhere where no living people would ever go, so my body is not found. Therefore it could not be r*ped. The last 3 years after I got my shotgun and my stalkers took it away, however I did not accomplish my goal of avoiding necrophilia completely, instead they’ve started to r*pe me by paraphilia (when I sleep) I’ve been attacked paraphillacly 179 times since the time I waited 12 years to get my suicide gun and then I got it and the very next day, was followed by random strangers who took it from me. I was going to finally kill myself that day after doing nothing but waiting for 12 years. I’d never been happy before in my life……. before holding my baby, this shotgun.

With how much of a stupid, little, Mormon town (where the Mormons are actually all child r*pists and porn addicts and sex offenders that were never reported..) that I live in – I’ve had a lot of trouble getting this done. Without random Mormons (complete strangers)getting into my face and taking me hostage and holding me captive in order to torture me and r*pe me so that I can’t accomplish my life goal of committing suicide really young (18).

Teresa's Child 9/7/2019 - 9:56 am

Do you have any skills @OP that can help you get a job? I think that should be your number one priority, if it isn’t already. I’m not too familiar with climbing out of homelessness (I was almost homeless for a few months, but I was in college so at least I had places to sleep, and showers and stuff), but there should be outreach programs for re-establishing you into a 9-5 routine, and getting you independent.

If you’re interested, I can try to do some research and post some links. Just let me know.

born.sinner 9/7/2019 - 2:01 pm

I’m nearing my end as well. u are not the only one

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