Pacing

I have too much on my fucking mind and here is me unloading it all. After all, my brother always said, “Humans were not made to just bottle things up.” So here is to your advice, Rud.

First, I heard through a friend that an old friend from my senior year of high school had passed away. It kind of hurt to hear the sad news as he was always a positive person and he was so young. Only as old as me, 21. I remember him reaching out to me about a year ago. I wish I knew then what I knew now, else I would have made time to hangout with you. Maybe if knew then what I know now I would have helped you in someway live out your dreams of being a baker. Such a young and happy man, I appreciate your friendship, buddy. I wish it didn’t take you passing for me to learn that we need to value the things we get to do everyday and the people we have in our lives. Wish I knew what you continued to struggle with. I would have reached out. Rest easy, my friend.

And second, what seems to be the thing that never leaves, what am I doing with my life. A couple of years ago, “what am I doing with my life” meant I am walking down a dark path with no goals. I was just living as long as I could without any plans or hopes for the future, all I knew was I would be dead soon. These days, while I am better now and seem to have it figured out, I am walking down a path that I know will soon split. I can only take one path, yet I walk with no confidence, fearing that once the paths split, I will freeze. I fear that I am wasting my time and due to my indecisiveness, I will stop once I reach the intersection. I have a goal and I have a dream, yet the two are not the same. It is hard to work on my goal when all I think about is my dream. But unfortunately I give too much of a fuck about what people will think of my dream.

What are my goals and dreams you may ask? Well my goal for a long time was to get my real estate license and join an amazing group in my area. I had the motivation, the drive, the mentorship. Everyone that knew me knew I wanted to do real estate and they knew I would do good at it, too. Then I stopped. I fell off, lost motivation and drive and now I am bumming it at home.

And my dream? The outdoors! I absolutely love nature. I love hiking, I love camping. I love mountains, rivers, waterfalls, trees, redwoods, sequoias, canyons, green, blue. Wildlife and nature are absolutely stunning. I love capturing it on camera and I want to protect the environment. I live for that. The only thing I see myself doing to work toward this goal is creating content for instagram and brands. I mean, I capture the beauty of nature anyway, so why not sell it? But I have changed my career choice so many times, I am afraid of the ridicule I will get if I announce changing it once more. I don’t know what I should do, the paths will eventually end. I know I have to make a choice soon enough.