you know when you just don’t feel anything, nothing feels good, no one is important and you sit in the middle of 200 people and no one knows you want to slit your wrists and die. i wanna stab myself but i don’t have my blade, i at some point changed to smoke instead of cut but now smoking doesn’t feel satisfying enough, i can’t rant more than i already do, somehow as if ranting will make things better but not really. it’s just when you truly understand how much of a nothing you are, average at best, maybe not really average but then you have nothing to offer. i can’t remember the last time i enjoyed a drawing or truly read a book. i keep telling myself lies, that it’ll change, that life will get better, but it’s more pointless day by day. i can’t seem to feel, i want to feel so much, be anything, do anything and actually feell. maybe when i kill myself i’ll feel something, maybe it’ll be like breathing, maybe i’ll realize how much i suffered for nothing. i don’t think i even deserve to call myself sad, i have everything. i’m just ungrateful and dumb. i don’t want to be alive, the thought of being alive hurts. i don’t want to even wait to be loved cuz it’ll never truly happen. i don’t want to even reach anything or work or grow i want to die. i have to move and pretend it’s alright. when the sight of my existence makes me want to slit my throat. i don’t think it’s possible to ever get out of it. i keep telling people that there is so much to live for when in reality, nothing really matters, i’m better off dead, please let me die.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
2 comments
This reminds me of what a paramedic said to me: “it’s the quiet ones you have to watch out for”.
That stuck with me.
When all your fight is gone and you’ve surrendered. I ended up alive on a psychiatric ward via a police section. It pissed me off at the time but it was how I got into ‘The System”.
I don’t know what country you’re in. But in the UK we have mental health teams and home treatment services. They’re hit and miss.
They gave me a psychiatric nurse. They’re meant to look at how they can improve your existence, ie housing, finances, study, work, groups, 1-2-1 therapy, social network, meds etc.
Is that something you can access where you are? Or have you already been through this process?
I have been through the process (UK), my friends have been.
I don’t feel like the system can heal excessive self awareness, it just kinda creeps up on you.
Everyday I try because I have people depending on me this year and it makes it that much harder to hide the truth from myself. I die every night and wake up furious because I’m not dead. I would’ve been able to contribute, I just don’t effing want to. Personally, I’ll probably be able to go mid next year and I’m hoping I won’t have to postpone further.