literally everyone i know has now fucked up their relationship with food?? wtf happened? i fucking hate how i can never go all the way in something ive been struggling for 4 years now and nothing happened even when i reached 14 bmi,, whenever i do lose im very good at hiding so no one thought of anything serious. i still would go out and eat and laugh, then run to a dirty public bathroom throw up my guts in the fastest time i could then go back to laughing and enjoying. and now at least 4 people i know keep telling me oh they havent eaten in 3 days oh they lost x kgs oh they Hate their appearance but they are now not eating so yayy!!!! and im like noo u should eat dont do that and in my head i keep tearing myself apart for not being in control enough.
the thing is its not just oh i want to look pretty.,its more like i cant bear the idea that my body exists. that i do exist and i take up place and it just ends me i want to rip my limbs apart Every Second Of Every Day. i have bruises from all the pinching of the skin along the cuts and i ripped a few clothes apart. ill never be okey because i want to disappear not just be thin. and now i not only have to hide my struggle but also help other people with it and be supportive and caring. but its also a competition.. i cant lose.
so i made up the puzzle of how to go on about it. my birthday is in two months. im gonna lose the 10 kg to reach 13 bmi again and then i can die cuz i cant die fat too.. literally the only thing stopping me. then i get to celebrate and say my lowkey goodbyes.
cant wait to be a goner.
im unable to talk to anyone or care about anything.. im not even sad at this point it’s more so i feel at peace. and in this peace i want to die. i dont want to worry people because i know they care but i just dont want to live. i dont want to be. i keep saying things will change but who am i kidding? like for fucks sake who am i kidding? i literally feel a hole in my chest. and i dont think it’ll ever go away its been here since forever. i know i must die but its just too much work. at this point everyday i keep wasting hours laying in bed wishing to have never existed. i have a good life it shouldve been someone elses life. idk if its stupid to think that it probably is, but logically the only possible course of action would be to kill myself. im not necessarily old but im not young either and it just is the end of the line, running in circles would only hurt more so why. i cant even remember anything ever literally whats the point?
-tw ed- it’s been a long while since ive been even aware of my life, i literally just seem to be floating around.. my eating problems have gone through the roof and body dysmorphia is eating me up.. i cant seem to think beyond my reflection and even when i do other things im just suffocating. i cannot walk without feeling every inch of my body its killing me.. i go from days without food to multiple binging and purging sessions and god i feel so disgusting to purge in public bathrooms. im literally a mess but i go out of my way to hide it making me more of a mess inside. i dont know i genuinely am so endlessly numb that i dont think or feel or function anymore. like im stuck in an imaginary tornado, im just waiting for death because im too numb to even do it myself. i just wish a very stupid wish which i think is so ungrateful.. but i wish to just be thrown over a bridge or stabbed just anything very bad because i deserve that. i want to starve to death but i cant even manage to do that with all the self hate i have im such a fucking failure.
everytime i try to convince myself that it’s okey and the future can be good i take one look at the news, or even just open twitter and im overwhelmed by the terrors of the world. im aware life has always had it’s hardships but it seems as though no one is actually living “to live” instead we are all “trying to stay alive” except ofc the rich and powerful. so why is this even worth living for? i literally have suicide as my plan B if any little thing in my life goes worse. i still somehow still have no died because of the troubles it’d cause but is it for my faith in a future? is it for hope? i sure as hell don’t think so.
is it sad, that i always find myself back here? whats sad anymore.. i feel numb, no feeling lasts more than 5 seconds. and i have gotten used to it. i bared with that empty feeling for so long, so hard. even my tries to die weren’t so genuine.. i am too tired to even die. if the world collapsed this very second i would just blink and probably feel nothing still, maybe a glimpse of relief but thats all. i just really wish i never existed. i didn’t want to exist i never asked for it, and i feel like im ungrateful because of my feelings because i lead a decent mediocre life. maybe that’s what makes me want to kill myself so much. my knowing that things will in fact never change, ill forever have to hide and fake and pretend to want to live, fake emotions fake relationships fake thoughts. i don’t like the world oppressed but .. i am.. i’d rather be the one to kill myself than be killed if i even stopped faking. i’ll go to hell either way.. another crying session of self hatred and life hatred. another cries for the fact that i have to do something about this life,, i have to end it, or live with it. both options which i despise. i, despise everything. i wish i can get the motivation to kill myself already.
you know when you just don’t feel anything, nothing feels good, no one is important and you sit in the middle of 200 people and no one knows you want to slit your wrists and die. i wanna stab myself but i don’t have my blade, i at some point changed to smoke instead of cut but now smoking doesn’t feel satisfying enough, i can’t rant more than i already do, somehow as if ranting will make things better but not really. it’s just when you truly understand how much of a nothing you are, average at best, maybe not really average but then you have nothing to offer. i can’t remember the last time i enjoyed a drawing or truly read a book. i keep telling myself lies, that it’ll change, that life will get better, but it’s more pointless day by day. i can’t seem to feel, i want to feel so much, be anything, do anything and actually feell. maybe when i kill myself i’ll feel something, maybe it’ll be like breathing, maybe i’ll realize how much i suffered for nothing. i don’t think i even deserve to call myself sad, i have everything. i’m just ungrateful and dumb. i don’t want to be alive, the thought of being alive hurts. i don’t want to even wait to be loved cuz it’ll never truly happen. i don’t want to even reach anything or work or grow i want to die. i have to move and pretend it’s alright. when the sight of my existence makes me want to slit my throat. i don’t think it’s possible to ever get out of it. i keep telling people that there is so much to live for when in reality, nothing really matters, i’m better off dead, please let me die.
i don’t know what to do anymore, so, i met this friend of mine last semester of my senior year. somehow we became close very close, however, she had to go forever to another country. we stayed in touch and we kept on talking every single day. she is now my best best friend, the best one i have ever had. At even sometimes thought i liked her even more but it’s not m topic. we both had our shit and every time we are there for each other she’d comfort me and calm me and id do the same for her. it’s been two years since we graduated and she still didn’t go to uni because of exam thingys, she doesn’t have friends in that country, and she lives with her parents. she keeps getting sad, every time she’s in a dark episode it gets so hard for her. i’m insanely panicky all the time, i want her to live i want her to stay, i wanna save money i wanna see her, she’s amazing ad she needs to live. but i feel so selfish saying that, feeling that. i can’t just let her go i can’t no way. she must fight i know for a fact that of things change she’ll feel better. she needs friends and something to occupy her, i find her very strong to fight all this loneliness tbh. i don’t know what to do, she wont get therapy she cant tell her parents, and im always scared ill lose her, i feel sad that she is sad. i can’t convince her that it’ll get better when she can’t see a future for herself. what do u think i should do? i wish i could go see her sooooo much but im broke and even if i wasnt i need a visa. i wish i could hug her.
i really dont want to live. i dont want to be alive. to care for people or talk. i can barely even talk to myself. i dont want to be here. i’ve tried i stayed away and said i’ll work things out i’ll think more i’ll be more positive or i’ll just throw away all my thoughts and pretend life doesn’t bother me, but it didnt work. i’m here wanting to slit my throat. it’s harder each time. i want to end this.
i’ve always thought of this because these young people deserve the time to get better but is it alright if they did actually kill themselves? just to think of it if their depression comes from internal reasons that kind of depression never goes away does it? or is it just that they don’t know much of life so that they cannot really just die? it may seem like a dumb question but at which time is it acceptable to give up. i’ve wanted to die since 11 now im almost 19 nth changed and yeah that maybe is nothing but when can i just say fuck it and leave?
i really hoped for things to go well for my life to work but everyday feels duller than the day before. i seriously don’t know why i’m sticking around. meeting people, working life, socializing it’s all so tiring so hurting i wish i can just leave end this nonsense of pretend. it’s like it’s all foggy but just around my head everyone can see and smell and i’m just blindly moving. a damn robot. gotta look good gotta small talk i’m seriously done. the fact that nothing won’t change makes i even worse. i don’t think anyone really cares if i went they’ll just say i went to hell for killing myself
i wish i can just die. like just die and go off. everything is too much to handle not because things are that hard it’s because i’m a coward. i’m just lazy. i eat, i panic then i eat. i want to fucking starve to fucking death but no i’m too lazy for that. i want to cut but i’m too lazy to clean after so i just end up sleeping. just sleeping and sleeping until my life goes away and my parents scream at me for not doing anything useful or helpful. i’m even lazy that i don’t finish my purge. how dumb is that?. started so many shows and movies as distractions but i cant no more. and a big holiday is coming up which means i have to dress up and go visit people and talk and it’s just too damn tiring. too fucking tiring. and i’d have to pretend it’s all fun and smile and make small talks. and they’ll ask about collage and i’ll have to say how nice and all. i fucking know how privileged i am and thats why i should die cuz no one like me deserves that much. i’m just a lazy ass ***** yeah. you dont have to tell me no and that all suffering is valid because in all honesty all suffering isn’t valid. i wish i can fucking take out my brain and smash it into endless pieces. living is for the strong and well i am the weakest of all.
i keep thinking that no matter how long i’ll live ill still be giving my life away and work only to support shitty companies that will eventually ruin earth. Even lets say i became something as noble as an author, i’d still be carried away with making books ruining tree for example. And even how people in fashion are trying to sell us things back, things that were on trend then died from trend but now since they ran out of ideas they sell the same things again, and we still buy it’s dumb. more of life not meaning anything. We cannot fix this messed up world. and that makes me more sure that we shouldnt live really.
I really don’t want to exist mostly. I am not in a great pain nor sick nor abused.. what is the reason of this undying sadness that can never let me go. it’s not just about wanting to get away, it’s more like wanting to fade away because living is too much. How much i wish i can donate life to those who really wanna live those who change things and so on. i wish i was never born
what should i do? knowing that my life will forever be this meaningless?
Does the sadness ever end?
I’m so empty so weak and tired
Things probably never get better do they?
i feel so disgusted by my reflection, and my legs can’t carry me anyomore. i wake up to emptiness and i hate it. people say no you’re pretty how can you hate yourself? how can i not when all i see is an ugly face without a soul. i can fucking see every single flaw. and i feel the time passing while i stand in the middle. how can’t they see how pointless it is?
i keep trying to wreck myself instead of killing it,i cut even tho i don’t consider myself a cutter, i smoke but im not a smoker either, and i fucking hate food, and now for the first time in my life i’m starting to pass out randomly. the thing is tha now im not doing anything particularly to trigger this. but what’s even more sick is that i feel proud, it’s like my plans are working and im slowly dying. most of the passing outs happened when i’m alone thankfully and i was in a place to rest and not fall. it was only once when i was out and for that people called my family and now they are focusing more on what i do,, i hate that i want to fucking die in peace.
is it sick to be happy that you are sick? im pretty sure something is very wrong with my body cuz my heart hurts but im happy? it’s so weird and complicated
ive had enough, life hates me every fucking thing never worked for me. i wanted to get into a good uni, all my friends got in but me, i wanted a good major but now my major is stupid. i fight with my family about money and life is so fucking expensive i’d rather fucking die. i wanted to get a driving license but it got denied. i have to really beg for a ride even to uni and it fucking sucks . i dont think i really love anyone and the one person i love is too complicated and would leave any second. im living just because i cannot die. fuck food i feel so guilty when i eat and then i end up binging like a pig or never eating at all. i look at my face and i see something i hate. i just want to fucking die. and my phone fucking died and isn’t opening up and my fam are so mad at me for it too. why cant i just shut down like that and pray goodbye. i cut even tho i said im gonna stop and im so dizzy but i cant sleep because i dont want blood to get everywhere. this fucking life sucks because it’s so tasteless and i deserve nothing.
hey, i wanted to ask this for a while and i searched lots and i never found a proper answer, so basically the girl i love has anorexia , its quite serious and no matter how much she sometimes reaches with recovery whenever she sees her weight up she’d freak out and goes back to giving up and wanting to die. i realllly want to help her, she gets treatment and all but they are pushing her so much and i know its too much and i want to tell her that she needs to recover without me pushing her more. how can i ? i love her so much to accept what she’s doing i cant just sit and look. i understand how she feels but its not right,, im really scared for her
I know its dumb but no one ever talks about this. as for me i am a religious person somehow and i dont need to mention my religion, but the thing is allll religions viewed suicide as a sin , as someone disobeying and taking away life, and i do understand that so very much but ,, what if one wants to die so so so much . its very sad to see one fighting themselves like this, for me i hate myself more because i want to die then wish to die more, isnt that stupid and pathetic. what is this way of living? i tried to kill myself once but to be honest ill never be brave enough and ill live in this misery of mind and it hurts it hurts so much how everyday is a struggle. i want to be dead.
it feels gloomy and everyone is sad. you cannot mention being sad anymore cuz everyone wants to die and it sucks way too much. why are we all so sad? and the thing is when someone i care about tells me they want to die i understand them way too much that i cant convince them not to. same with ana my lover and one of my great friends have it and they dont want to recover and i absolutely get them. but they cant stay like this. wheres the magic recipe to fix this broken world.
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