you know when you just don’t feel anything, nothing feels good, no one is important and you sit in the middle of 200 people and no one knows you want to slit your wrists and die. i wanna stab myself but i don’t have my blade, i at some point changed to smoke instead of cut but now smoking doesn’t feel satisfying enough, i can’t rant more than i already do, somehow as if ranting will make things better but not really. it’s just when you truly understand how much of a nothing you are, average at best, maybe not really average but then you have nothing to offer. i can’t remember the last time i enjoyed a drawing or truly read a book. i keep telling myself lies, that it’ll change, that life will get better, but it’s more pointless day by day. i can’t seem to feel, i want to feel so much, be anything, do anything and actually feell. maybe when i kill myself i’ll feel something, maybe it’ll be like breathing, maybe i’ll realize how much i suffered for nothing. i don’t think i even deserve to call myself sad, i have everything. i’m just ungrateful and dumb. i don’t want to be alive, the thought of being alive hurts. i don’t want to even wait to be loved cuz it’ll never truly happen. i don’t want to even reach anything or work or grow i want to die. i have to move and pretend it’s alright. when the sight of my existence makes me want to slit my throat. i don’t think it’s possible to ever get out of it. i keep telling people that there is so much to live for when in reality, nothing really matters, i’m better off dead, please let me die.
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