Wasted Childhood

I have wasted my childhood. Being a retard. Isolating myself from all social interactions. Wasted my time reading books with useless information (books for kids teaching some stuff about planets and stuff) and enjoyed loneliness. Came in middle school having absolutely no knowledge of social interactions and spent free time programming on 80’s microcomputers (really? I was born in 2003, why play with such old trash?). So when I finally tried to interact with people (around 14) it was a total disaster. I kinda got it now, how to not look like a creep, but I’m just not an interesting person to talk to. I like art now, but I’m not good and noone fucking cares about childish drawings these days! I’ve been told many times I might have asperger’s syndrome. I was struggling with anxiety which I got rid of, but still didn’t make life get any better. Maybe growing up with no mother has fucked me up in the head. I would be the one doing a school shooting if guns were legal here in France.

Why has my life come to this. Really. It is so fucking awful. Even as a child I wanted to kill myself and i remember my sister trying prevent me from jumping off a windows when I was around 10. I know there’s absolutely no point in living. I remember even in (what should be) my happiest/least sad moments I still couldn’t stop thinking that life is absolutely pointless, and that the happy moments are aswell, and that I would never get rid of depression and stupidity.

I am deeply stupid. My reasoning can’t go further than realising my own stupidity.