It’s been a long time since I published something here, maybe you don’t even remember my story.
Some years ago, I had the oportunity for to begin my PhD, I got all I needed, the scolarship, the place to live, the research grant.
But being all alone in another country made all the things inside come out and I lost the control of my mind because of my depression and social anxiety, eventually got interned in a psychiatric ward, lost my grant and everything else because of that. With no money letf, soul-broken, I had to return home and try to start my life all over again.
Some weeks ago I got accepted in another place, got the research grant and the scolarship, I will do it in my country, living with my parents. It was hard to get it, but I did, and I should feel good or happy or something like that, but…
I’m so scared, all I can see in this new project is failure, one more time.
First, in order to get the scolarship, I had to deny my mental illness, specially because the professor I’m going to work for doesn’t want to receive someone with a problematic condition like this (specially not depression and things related). So, for the next four years I have to lie and look like everything is ok, and that makes me feel bad and sad.
Second, my condition has not got better with time, like it should. I could not pay for psychotherapy anymore and medication by itself is not working as well as it should. I don’t feel ready at all for a challenge so big.
So, Why am I doing this? You may wonder, I’m following my passion and my heart? Actually not. I don’t have any passion or motivation or anything like that, I have never felt something like that, this is one of the reasons that led me to depression since I can remember, and the main reason of my previous failure un the first place. But in my work area, a PhD is the only thing that makes you a Little relevant and garantizes a reasonably stable job, and many of the 20something people in this area already got it. I’m 35, I’m old and I’ve been left behind in the competition by lots of people better in every possible way than me.
I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that I fail again I will no longer stand it, and Let depression take control, and kill myself.
Help.
4 comments
Don’t be afraid, don’t think of it as being left behind, or you being older than your peers. None of that is relevant. Is this something you want to do? Find a way to do it for its own sake, irrespective of what your peers may think. That’s the only way forward in all things, not just this one.
Also, I do remember your posts. =P I’ve been around longer than you.
I’d say try and fight it out to get the PhD first. See what turn life takes after you got PhD next to your name. It’ll most likely change for the better. Might cure your depression eventually, who knows.
What’s the rush, 35 isn’t too late. Many people make their mark much later. If things still look bleak well into your 40s, remember you’re always free to check out, but without a return ticket.
I probably cannot give you constructive feedback, since in many points I feel the same way you do. But…
I would (very slightly) challenge the idea that “in my work area, a PhD is the only thing that makes you a Little relevant and garantizes a reasonably stable job”. I know it depends much on the country, but I wonder: if it’s academia, don’t you have the chance for something like adjunct professor? if it’s research, don’t you have the option for a less-full-research role, instead?
If you are doing it for the money, like most people (and as such there are multitude of mediocre PhDs, to say the least for some of them); I agree that you will probably need extra energy and/or support. And so, if you go through, I think you now have much better odds. “I will do it in my country, living with my parents”. You have less chances of failing. You can talk to them, or leave them cheer you up. If you still have (good) relation with them, they will definitely help you. You will not be alone or unsupported. It seems better for you this time, in my opinion. Consider it as an obligation, and vent when needed with family and friends.