Each time I make the decision to keep living, I’m quickly overwhelmed by experiences I don’t know how to deal with.
One of the biggest problems is desire, longing, or craving, for things I don’t think I can fulfill. I don’t know how to let go of it. I can’t convince myself it’s not desirable. It’s just there, in the background of my mind, tormenting me.
I don’t know how to just accept that it’s not something that’s possible for me, and move on. There’s so many other things I could be focusing on, but none of it feels meaningful. My mind doesn’t really engage with it. Nothing seems worth doing, if I can’t have this one dumb thing.
How do I accept it? That it’s unlikely to happen? How do I live with that, when it’s the only thing that really feels meaningful?
In theory, I tell myself it’s not enough to outweigh my reasons to keep living. In practice, it feels unbearable. It’s like this splinter in my mind, digging away.
5 comments
I’m glad you are strong and committed to staying alive. And I’m sorry you have these inner demons tormenting you. Perhaps those things you crave or desire have a positive outlet that you have yet to discover. With all things, it is easier to deal with them head on and with help. If you have a close friend or resource that you can discuss things out confidentially it might help you find the clarity you need.
As per usual uncannily relatable.
Feel like I’ve been writing the same post for 5 years now. If I’m not going to end it yet, then I’ve got to find some way to stop experiencing this.
Happy to see that you’re still around. I hope peace finds you soon. I was 17 when I found this place and I’m fairly certain you were already here. Hard to believe 6 years has come and gone. You deserve contentment and a moment to put down the weight of always striving for something else. Well wishes don’t really count for shit, but I’m sending them anyways.
6 years stuck in this loop? That’s even more lame. Probably time for radical measures. But then I’m sure I’ve been saying that for years too. Anyway, thanks.