Help lol

I know I just posted earlier today, but.. don’t have anyone else to talk to.

My only friend leaves me on read. My fiancee ignores me when I’m upset and is generally kinda rude to me when I’m not, though I don’t think she realizes it. Shes been having a rough time, I know, but I feel like I’ve always done most of the work in this relationship.  I fetch her anything she wants, I try to be there for her when she’s sad.  I cleaned out her entire car for her when she was in the hospital. I painted things for her while she was there, I made origami butterflies for her while she was there. It fucking sucks that I don’t get at least a little of that love in return, whether she’s having a rough time or not.

She falls asleep when I’m crying. Is that normal? (Please do not comment that I should leave her. You do not know the entire situation. I’ve been with her for over 3 years and I love her.)

I feel things so hard. And right now all I feel is bad.  I’m relapsing into self harm. Its like I’m 17 again.  It feels like I’m not going to make it through this.

I just need to be back on medicine, but COVID-19 and my psychiatrist’s already busy schedule makes that difficult.  I’m suffocating in my emotions and it’s like I can’t swim up for air.

No one is helping me. At least in 2017 I had friends. At least in 2017 my fiancee loved me.

My head is filled with thoughts of suicide. And, like, half the time it’s so angry. It’s like some Hannah Baker shit. I keep thinking “they’ll all feel bad once I’m dead. They’ll realize what they did wrong when they find me bleeding out in the bathroom.”

I get so angry. And when I get angry I want to hurt. I can’t hurt anyone else, so it turns inward. I lash out at me instead.

I’m losing my mind. I dont know how much louder I have to scream before someone takes me seriously. I need help. No one is listening.

I’m so goddamn lonely.

Edit: fiancee just asked me what’s wrong. She actually sounded concerned. Maybe I’m overreacting.