So I don’t know how to talk to anyone I know about how I’m feeling without feeling like I will burden them some more so here I go.
I’d been feeling suicidal as of late and my country’s reaction towards COVID-19 had not been that helpful towards my mental health. My current boyfriend just nearly had a break down following our most recent news and I am trying my best to console him while I’m not feeling it myself. So I feel like I can’t be that anxious with him or talk about the extent of my feelings and suicidality without reassuring right back that everything will be fine between us. I don’t have the energy to be that comforting if he ever asks me not to leave his side.
Some of my friends had not been replying and it is starting to make me lose my mind more than I already am. I had been feeling so lonely and kind of miserable. On top of the issues I’m already dealing with.
I am trying to cope with tarot cards. They can get so reassuring when I do a reading about my friends who don’t text back. It makes me feel better to have my cards tell me they seem to be in a good place. But I also had this worrying reading of a family member. So I don’t know. I hope she’s fine.
About my suicidality. Well yeah, I feel even more like a burden having my texts unreplied. Idk why it makes me feel so. Like on the lowest level I get that sometimes people don’t know what to say but fuck it I really really really need someone to talk to. Or a therapist. I don’t know how to reach out to my friends too and sometimes when I do the ones I talk with aren’t that reassuring. It sucks. .. I wish I die during this period but, not really. But it’s been painful to stay around and pretend I’m okay.
So I’ll try to hold on. And keep myself in one piece but who knows my heart’s contents.
2 comments
I feel you. Pretending to be okay sucks. And in this time where COVID-19 exists, I’ve had to swallow a lot of those emotions down. A lot of times I also found myself thinking “I hope that I catch this thing and die.” Like maybe this is my way out. But luckily for everyone else and unfortunately for me, you’re not liable to die from it if you’re physically healthy.
But you should probably talk to someone. I’m hoping services like therapist won’t go offline with the virus coming in, because people are stressed enough as it is. If it gets too bad, maybe use a suicide hotline. It wouldn’t be my first choice, but it’s better than nothing.
Stay safe out there.
Thank you for the suggestion. I’ll try to give them a call when I feel on edge again.
Yeah man I wish I caught it but I have a family member that is vulnerable and I dont want her dead. Today feels better but I feel physically unwell and that sucks a bit. I hope you get to take care of yourself regardless.