It’s truly pathetic, but I don’t feel there’s a way out of it. I don’t know – when does a want become a need?
I constantly find myself invested emotionally in getting attention from women. I don’t even realize I’m doing it. I’ll start conversations online thinking it’s purely innocent chatting, but when someone responds suddenly find I’m way too invested in them liking me. Which is pointless, because there’s nothing to most of these things – there’s nowhere it can go. But this desperate dumb subconscious part of me thinks it’ll somehow magically become something more. Even though I don’t even have the conscious intention to make that kind of approach.
It’s just sad, but I don’t know how to snap myself out of the habit. I don’t feel like there’s really a way for me to meet that kind of emotional need. I don’t think I’m capable of emotional connection, or being someone worth being with. So I’m just left with this blind subconscious longing, constantly firing off in all kinds of dysfunctional directions.
How did I sink this low? Bad decision after bad decision. Or was I always bound to end up as this pathetic waste of space. I need to forget who I am – forget life, forget my place in it.