I posted last week and mentioned that my true feelings are I do not want to die, but I do want to disappear from everything and taking/losing my life is a means to that end….
I’m wimpy (for lack of a better word) to do anything that will cause me undue pain, and I do not want to try anything that will put another person in danger. I also don’t want this to feel like “drama to everyone around me. To that end I am only talking with my therapist. My wife knows I’m depressed but does not know I truly want to make a plan for something. I don’t want her attention, Well, I do, but fake attempts are not the way to do that. So, where do I go now? My life safety net at the moment is that I do not have a viable plan. As I said I am not going to do something stupid like try to slash my wrists or something bloody like that, I do not own firearms anymore so that is not an option, and if I do try to take all the meds I have in my cabinet I probably will wake up a few days later in the ICU with my liver and kidneys destroyed. My thoughts are so scattered at the moment that I cannot figure out a plan.
Part of me is hoping my heath will fail with all the ailements I have developed over the last 15 years or so (Diabetes, Charcot foot, atrial fibrillations, obesity to name a few) but, I have been trying that to no avail….
So, I feel that I am alone in a crowd, wishing to disappear and now where to go………
1 comment
We all don’t want to die. Ironic, to say that on a suicide-page, I know. Rather we all want to rip ourselves out of something. Partly, or entirely out of our lifes. We all think about the consequences, of the: What-If’s. Would a happy person think about drowning their lungs in bleach? Probably not. It’s absurd to them. It’s only absurd to us, to the point, where it failed it’s purpose: To kill us off. I don’t think your wife knows exactly, how badly you’re doing. I think I would want to know, how my partner feels.
Funny thing with sicknesses is, you don’t die of them, when you’re suicidal. But when you’re a shiny person, you suddenly drop dead. I’ve noticed that for all my life. I don’t know what it is, it’s as if we’re here to struggle out our deaths ourselves. Anyway, if you have a plan that’s good, and if you don’t, that’s also good. Trying to see it neutrally.