I do make an effort to follow my therapist’s advise and use methods I have learned to steer my mind away from the dark thoughts which have plagued me for the last 45 years. Sometimes this works and I can get myself on a positive track but it is not a stable track. Too many of the triggers I have for dark thoughts are around me and I am unable to control that. I have limited my access to news feeds and am careful what I read on social media, but there are too many things out there. Our country and world seem to be sinking, My work which I normally love is getting to me, my health is not great, and I am not communicating with my wife well at all. Because of the COVID and her work she and I are living apart and I have been unable to tell her how I feel. All in all I do not seem to be able to control anything. Again my therapists advise to get a perspective on it is good. Deal with the things I can, and accept the things I can. Sounds familiar because it is the jist of the serenity prayer. The problem is I am losing the wisdom to figure out which is which.
I am almost 60 and feel obsolete in all regards. I do not want to make a big statement and say help me or get attention. I just want to disappear from it all. Is that too much to desire. What has saved me from taking this further in the past is not having a plan. When I do have a plan I want it to be a “sure thing” and it has to be painless and not have any moment of last few seconds of terror/fear (jumping of a building will not do). I’ve wanted it to be a way that I can hopefully just go to sleep. Well, I have thought through that now and have something that should work, but it will take a few days to get it all into place obtaining the right supplies (No I am not going to share it for obvious reasons) I do wonder if I start the process that I should try one more time to not do this. In the past I have found myself calling my therapist or going to the ER when I was in process of putting my plan in action. My question to me is am I at that place now.