it never ends does it?

is it sad, that i always find myself back here? whats sad anymore.. i feel numb, no feeling lasts more than 5 seconds. and i have gotten used to it. i bared with that empty feeling for so long, so hard. even my tries to die weren’t so genuine.. i am too tired to even die. if the world collapsed this very second i would just blink and probably feel nothing still, maybe a glimpse of relief but thats all. i just really wish i never existed. i didn’t want to exist i never asked for it, and i feel like im ungrateful because of my feelings because i lead a decent mediocre life. maybe that’s what makes me want to kill myself so much. my knowing that things will in fact never change, ill forever have to hide and fake and pretend to want to live, fake emotions fake relationships fake thoughts. i don’t like the world oppressed but .. i am.. i’d rather be the one to kill myself than be killed if i even stopped faking. i’ll go to hell either way.. another crying session of self hatred and life hatred. another cries for the fact that i have to do something about this life,, i have to end it, or live with it. both options which i despise. i, despise everything. i wish i can get the motivation to kill myself already.