i’m losing everyone i had. even my own son. and it’s all my fault. i can’t even be the mother my son needs. with his father out of the picture i’m all he’s got. all he’s got for a damn mother who changes her mood every hour. who one second will love him to death and another second will want to be left alone. i yell and i am so sorry. i can’t control it and i grew up being used to being yelled at. i try so hard to be what my parents weren’t. loving. yet i feel myself falling onto the patterns of my parents parenting. sometimes i feel like it’d be better to die. i hate to say it, but maybe he wont be emotionally damaged because of me if i weren’t here.
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I sometimes snap and then regret it too. Ultimately the strongest anchor to this life is your little one and even if you aren’t perfect he still needs you. You can work on your reactions, try taking a deep breath before getting angry and yelling to think about what you are about to say or do and whether it’s the appropriate reaction. I sometimes feel one reaction inside but put something completely different out for others to see which might help this situation.
Don’t think he’s better off without you, being a single mom is so very difficult. Be strong and you can do it though, and be proud of yourself when you succeed.