I’ve finally found love in myself, and now I can’t find love.
I found someone who I like and that likes me back. but the catch? I keep overthinking it. constantly worrying about if he will lose feelings or will find someone better. because lets be real there is always going to be better. there’s going to be someone who doesn’t have the flaws that I do. this is the exact reason I have avoided relationships for the past four years. I ruin before the relationship is already ruined. I can’t help to think that person is just going to fuck me over.
how were you guys diagnosed? all the signs are there. my parents don’t give a fuck they just think im crazy. I also don’t wanna take crazy amounts of pills. I thought i could handle it all by myself, but im going fucking insane.
absolutely nothing is wrong yet i am in a dark place? no one around me would ever understand. no matter how hard i try i can’t not be sad or down. the darkness is a bubble around me. i see everyone happy, the sun out and what not but then around me it’s just dark and sad and lonely. i hate feeling like this. like i am trapped in this bubble even if i try and get out of it.
this is going to be really long and I don’t expect anyone to read I just need to vent or whatever. so I have never been diagnosed with anything, mainly because I am scared to disappoint my parents again after what my sister went through. I can remember I was always happy as a kid, at least my mom says so. it wasn’t until I was 11 I remember feeling so lonely in my group of friends. sad and unmotivated. quit all my activities because of how uninterested I had gotten. then came the distancing from everyone and everything. I think what triggered it was my losing my nanny, my second mom. several “attempted suicides” mainly me sitting in bed with pills, or standing on the side walk wanting to jump out. And it was when I was 12-13 when I self harmed. I eventually stopped because I moved and threw out my razor. ever since then I just been the same way. and now that me and my sister talk more and talk about our mental health she says she thinks we could be bi-polar. I never thought I could. my dad was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. And it wasn’t until recently I have become more aware of “symptoms.” thoughts of suicide, unwanted thoughts, major anxiety, manic episodes, impulse decisions, trying to take on new things, but just becoming uninterested, disconnected socially literally have no friends, being super emotional, crying out of no where for no reason, or being super hyper. hard time focusing, thoughts overwhelm me, excessive sleep or no sleep, cleaning the entire house randomly, very frustrated easily, starting fights and arguments, restless, not being able to sleep, paranoia extreme. there is so much more I have been documenting things throughout the last few days. maybe I’m over dramatizing it I don’t know. I just want to document this for the next time.
how selfish would it really be to take my life? i mean in all honesty i’d be dead. yeah thinking about how “hurt” my family would be sucks but if i’m not here to see it i guess it wouldn’t really matter. lately i’ve seen how much my parents don’t love me. at least they don’t show it. they constantly try to degrade me. making me feel worthless. school has also been really fucking stressful. life all together. i think it’s better if i just wasn’t breathing any more.
i feel like the time is coming soon.
i can’t remember the last time i was truly happy
i want to save my child from a shitty life and just end it. i already know i’m shitty mom as i am bipolar as fuck and i can’t control being angry. i feel selfish as fuck leaving him in this cruel world but i just can’t do this anymore.
not gonna lie i just wanna end my life
i hate myself for feeling this way. being depressed. wanting to die. i have no reason to feel that way when others have it worse. i have everything i could ever ask for, so why do i feel this way?
there is nothing for me in this dark world anymore. no love. no hope. no life. days get darker each day, as my thoughts do. wanting to hurt myself more than those who did me wrong. the world is cruel, only caring when youre gone. not seeing the pain in our eyes. the world around me will go on when im gone.
I don’t really have anything to say, but I think we need a few more happy and hopeful posts. I still have hope things could possibly get better. I wish for everyone here to get better, to at least have one good day before they go. find something that makes you happy. anyways just hope we can take a moment to appreciate being alive for a little, not everyone gets to choose when they die. have a good day/ night.
lonely. anyone would like to chat? about anything
im ok. really. im just lonely. its a lonely world when you have no one.
I was watching a video of people answering this question and id wish someone would ask me this, but id like to answer anyways. Im smiling, breathing, laughing with everyone around. but how am I really when I wake up each morning and as I lie in my bed before going to sleep. with all the thoughts running through my mind.
im almost nineteen. as I get older each year I realize more and more that I don’t know what I actually want to do. I don’t know what my future holds or what ill end up doing. I have these goals and dreams, I want to do this and that. but I truly don’t know what or how im going to achieve those goals. im going to college, which is a step closer, but im not sure how far that’ll get me. because if im being completely honest with myself.. I am doing shit in school right now. I was put in academic probation after my first semester because of how horrible my grades were. and what caused that.. I was depressed most of the semester, missed plenty of classes because I couldn’t get out of bed. I didn’t have the motivation to do so, I had the mentality that I was going to drop out and kill myself anyways so why keep trying. this got the best of me and I let assignment after assignment go by without a thought. this semester I began trying a lot harder, but towards the end the same feeling overwhelmed me again. I stopped caring. and I cant seem to stop this feeling.
my next thing is im a teen mom. and that’s a problem in of itself. and I feel like a shit person for even ‘complaining’ about this since yes, it is my fault. and I take full responsibility for my actions and the consequences that came with it. I love my son and id do anything for him. but there are times I wish I could kill myself because he’d be better off without me, or im too stressed or depressed to be a mom that day. and balancing school with being a mom. theres also the whole work situation. I cant get a job because one I have no experience and two im already caught up with school and being a mom I feel like id fail at that as well.
the next thing is being held down by my parents. as I said I don’t have work and I have a son. so I still depend and live with my parents. which isn’t a problem. for now. it seems like they have lost all hope in me moving out and moving on with my life. and it seems like they will hold this against me for the rest of my life. I plan on getting a job and moving out, taking my kid with me. but it doesn’t seem to be a plan for them.
im not looking for anything out of this post, just needed a place to rant. thanks for reading, have a good day.
i’m 18 and i have a three year old, i still live with my parents for support but i can’t do it anymore. mentally. they’re constantly bringing me down. everyday they walk into the house i feel myself tense up. get frustrated. i can never say anything because they’re my support system. if i had a way out to make money some how i’d get out of here in a heart beat. i’ve even thought about killing myself it’s gotten that bad. but i can’t stand the thought of leaving my son in this hellhole with them. i have it so good here but what’s that good do when all i want to is die. i love my son with all my heart but i don’t think i’m good for him. i don’t know what to fucking do. i. just. want. to. die.
sorry for the rant i’m sobbing.
i’m such a disappointment. my first semester in college i did shit. i was put on academic probation and i have yet to tell anyone, not even my parents. i’m going to fail out of college because i’m so fucking dumb. i either don’t get anything or i’m just stupid and too depressed to get up and do my shit. i have no fucking job cause i’m dumb. i have no one, no friends to talk to. i’ve been relying on apps to meet people and even then i somehow disappoint them. ill probably end up lonely since i’m too fucking scared to kill myself and disappoint everyone again.
i’m so desperate to find love. attention. hope. maybe i’m just looking for a reason to live. i feel so dead inside, but if you saw me in person you’d think i’m happy. iv been doing this for 8 years, i put on a good act. although i’ve wished someone would catch on. i wish someone would notice. there’s so many things wrong. i just want it to end.
I came across this website tonight as I was drowning in my tears looking for a way out of this hell hole. not sure what im doing here, but this feels right. I need somewhere to write my thoughts and I need someone to listen. so here it is, my name is hannah (as you can see by my username which I didn’t know I couldn’t change.) I am not okay. I am depressed. and today I realized this when I was asked if I was okay and I cried before I could even say “im fine” as I would usually say. I have no one to talk to, no friends, no family. constant thoughts of suicide, even if I wouldn’t act on them they seem to be affecting my everyday life. ive lost all motivation for school, nothing interests me. I have flash thoughts of ways I can die as I get in the car to drive. even at my happiest times theres that thought in the back of my mind that this wont last, and im right. anyways I don’t want to make this super long, but this is me.