even when im hysterically laughing, i can feel the pain, the sadness that’s hidden deep inside of me. ill never be able to get rid of this depression, even when im finally happy. now its time to come to terms with it.
i have no where else to say this. a few days ago i called my dad out on making racist comments/jokes. he was not happy at all. my son is half black so it is unacceptable to me. i don’t care if it’s jokes to him it’s simply not what i want my son to grow up hearing. so anyways it’s been a few days later and we have not spoken. which i am okay with. he doesn’t realize his toxic behaviors towards me. it sucks i live hear and under certain circumstances i am stuck here. i am stuck forever or at least for another 14 years. i wanna run. far. but i never want to leave my son with this toxic figure. i love my dad during the good times. but he’s taken my happiness. i’m empty. i’m numb. i am so depressed. i don’t know where this was even going at i just needed to jot it down somewhere. i’m trapped in this place. having to put a fake smile on every god damn day. but when that door shuts behind me i’m contemplating taking my life.
oh father, dont you know? dont you know you should put your pills away? the temptation is real. such easy access. ready to go.
i need help
ive always said that ive got my depression under control. that ill never act on my suicidal thoughts. but sometimes i cant help to think about the moment i cant take it anymore and take my life on an impulse decision. not thinking about it, not preparing for it, not leaving letters. what if one day it just happens. ill have no control over my body and what i do.
I finally found something im passionate about, something that keeps me sane, keeps the bad thought away. i found something in gardening that put me at peace. gave me the motivation to wake up and look forward to something. some may not understand this, but it is my therapy. and today my father said, “you tell us every time theres a new leaf, every little thing.” and to me that was a real big slap in the face with a “we dont care, shut up.” I dont understand why cant anyone just be happy for me. all day i sit there and i listen to everything everyone has to say, about their day, about god damn politics. and i sit there and i listen, i try my best to engage in a conversation. but when it comes to me loving, caring, being happy and passionate about something im just annoying and it doesnt matter. every time i open my mouth i can just see how annoyed everyone gets, and sometimes they even talk over me. ive been at my lowest point of my life and no one has noticed. i guess its a good thing they dont notice so they wont ship me off to a mental hospital. but still, cant you just ask im okay for once? i told my mom i lost 6 plus pounds in a week and all she said was, “well you havent been eating.” well, thanks im glad you noticed that much. but cant even noticed why. especially when i normally do eat a lot. they just dont care. and i guess i shouldnt either.
when it comes back around i have to force myself to get up to take my kid to school. “another five minutes” but not because im tired and dont want to get up, but because my body is physically tired. i just want to lay there forever and not do a single thing. I have to force myself to eat little by little. no matter how hungry my tummy is telling me i am, i feel like throwing up at the thought of eating. today i was driving and jamming out to music when the tears, the uncontrollable tears ran down my face. why? i have no fucking clue. i was never good enough for anyone. especially not myself. i have so much disgust in myself i cant even imagine how others see me. i feel disgust in myself as i clean up my horribly messy room and bathroom because my shit kept piling up. i had no energy to put one thing away, and the one thing kept going and going until i couldnt see my floor anymore, until my dressing was full of trash and dishes, until my bathroom counter was full of trash, my trashcan way overfull. i look so normal on the outside no one ever sees im inside here screaming for help. sometimes i try to make it obvious for my family to see, but nothing. and im too afraid to ask for help or say something because of how judgemental they are. how theyll take my kid away from me or send me off to a mental hospital just like they did to my sister. theyll say im dumb and stupid for thinking mental illness exists. i can just see how annoyed they get every single time i open my mouth. they find something wrong with me every chance they get, no matter how hard i try to make them happy, to please them. i pray to god every single time, to get me out of here. to help me. im in here screaming and no one can see it.
i thought i was okay. i was doing good. i was doing a simple task when i felt a tear rolling down my face and i just broke down. i am not okay. i fooled myself into thinking i was fine.
i’m losing everyone i had. even my own son. and it’s all my fault. i can’t even be the mother my son needs. with his father out of the picture i’m all he’s got. all he’s got for a damn mother who changes her mood every hour. who one second will love him to death and another second will want to be left alone. i yell and i am so sorry. i can’t control it and i grew up being used to being yelled at. i try so hard to be what my parents weren’t. loving. yet i feel myself falling onto the patterns of my parents parenting. sometimes i feel like it’d be better to die. i hate to say it, but maybe he wont be emotionally damaged because of me if i weren’t here.
I’ve finally found love in myself, and now I can’t find love.
I found someone who I like and that likes me back. but the catch? I keep overthinking it. constantly worrying about if he will lose feelings or will find someone better. because lets be real there is always going to be better. there’s going to be someone who doesn’t have the flaws that I do. this is the exact reason I have avoided relationships for the past four years. I ruin before the relationship is already ruined. I can’t help to think that person is just going to fuck me over.
how were you guys diagnosed? all the signs are there. my parents don’t give a fuck they just think im crazy. I also don’t wanna take crazy amounts of pills. I thought i could handle it all by myself, but im going fucking insane.
absolutely nothing is wrong yet i am in a dark place? no one around me would ever understand. no matter how hard i try i can’t not be sad or down. the darkness is a bubble around me. i see everyone happy, the sun out and what not but then around me it’s just dark and sad and lonely. i hate feeling like this. like i am trapped in this bubble even if i try and get out of it.
this is going to be really long and I don’t expect anyone to read I just need to vent or whatever. so I have never been diagnosed with anything, mainly because I am scared to disappoint my parents again after what my sister went through. I can remember I was always happy as a kid, at least my mom says so. it wasn’t until I was 11 I remember feeling so lonely in my group of friends. sad and unmotivated. quit all my activities because of how uninterested I had gotten. then came the distancing from everyone and everything. I think what triggered it was my losing my nanny, my second mom. several “attempted suicides” mainly me sitting in bed with pills, or standing on the side walk wanting to jump out. And it was when I was 12-13 when I self harmed. I eventually stopped because I moved and threw out my razor. ever since then I just been the same way. and now that me and my sister talk more and talk about our mental health she says she thinks we could be bi-polar. I never thought I could. my dad was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. And it wasn’t until recently I have become more aware of “symptoms.” thoughts of suicide, unwanted thoughts, major anxiety, manic episodes, impulse decisions, trying to take on new things, but just becoming uninterested, disconnected socially literally have no friends, being super emotional, crying out of no where for no reason, or being super hyper. hard time focusing, thoughts overwhelm me, excessive sleep or no sleep, cleaning the entire house randomly, very frustrated easily, starting fights and arguments, restless, not being able to sleep, paranoia extreme. there is so much more I have been documenting things throughout the last few days. maybe I’m over dramatizing it I don’t know. I just want to document this for the next time.
how selfish would it really be to take my life? i mean in all honesty i’d be dead. yeah thinking about how “hurt” my family would be sucks but if i’m not here to see it i guess it wouldn’t really matter. lately i’ve seen how much my parents don’t love me. at least they don’t show it. they constantly try to degrade me. making me feel worthless. school has also been really fucking stressful. life all together. i think it’s better if i just wasn’t breathing any more.
i feel like the time is coming soon.
i can’t remember the last time i was truly happy
i want to save my child from a shitty life and just end it. i already know i’m shitty mom as i am bipolar as fuck and i can’t control being angry. i feel selfish as fuck leaving him in this cruel world but i just can’t do this anymore.
not gonna lie i just wanna end my life
i hate myself for feeling this way. being depressed. wanting to die. i have no reason to feel that way when others have it worse. i have everything i could ever ask for, so why do i feel this way?