idk

maybe im just having a bad day. sometimes i hate myself for no reason. well there is a reason. but idk what it is. maybe its just a bunch of reasons all jumbled together. i confuse myself with my thoughts. i can write a whole essay about how sad i am and how i want to die but then five minutes later i could read it again and be like ‘lol i dont feel that way at all’ and be in an amazing mood. ill probably do that after i write this too. idk its just weird. i think most of this is just that i dont like myself. ill start with my appearance. i can look at myself in the mirror and think ‘wow im so cute’ and just like love myself and ill be able to take pictures and just feel so pretty for weeks on and then ill have a wave of ugly. this probably happens to every girl idk let me know. but anyway im having that wave of ugly rn. i noticed everyone talking about how people view u inverted irl and since then ive not been able to look at myself inverted without crying. its so crazy how our appearance affects us that much. truly appearance shouldnt mean anything but it means the world to us. when we see someone who is less attractive to us ud probably think they have an ugly personality too or u just stray away from them. i actually dont know where im getting at this. maybe i only do this and im just a total jerk. anyway, i actually dont want to die. i can say i want to kill myself but i dont want to die. i cant even say that im sad. i mean i can totally have these nights where im like ‘:// i hate myself i want to die’ but i also have those nights where i just love my life and myself. im not sure what dominates, the bad nights or the good nights. idk but i do know that the bad nights impact me more than the good nights. idk im just rambling at this point i doubt anyone has read this far. i actually cant believe i created an account on a suicide site. it does feel comfortable though. just by reading these stories from everyone makes me feel like i have some sort of connection with them. idk its just how i feel. i like to think thats what runs my life and my rollercoaster of emotions. ‘that’s just how i feel’. mm its dumb. anyway i think ill end this now (this letter not my life). see yall l8r.