dead before death

I don’t know what to write about anymore. There isn’t a bright route out of this. I don’t know how to ensure a good future when i can’t see any in front of me, i can’t imagine myself growing old, i’m running out of more time and options by the seconds yet i do nothing to stop it. I hate myself so fucking much, so much that i can’t even proper talk to someone anymore because hearing my own voice and me being the way i am is bad enough. i can’t stand this. it’s all my fault. I can;’t even write about anything practical. It’s like my brain has shut down and i’m so confused, i’m so confused if i’m even sick or not, even if i am it’s my fault for being ill, who am i to blame anyone else? i can’t even find a way out, i can’t even end it from what started all this. i can’t get anything done yet i’m typing all this shit, i’m tired of waking up in the afternoon, i’m tired of feeling like a dead seed rotting in the soil, i’m tired of feeling like an invisible livestock in the pigsty. when will the butcher come and end this for me? but the end’ll never come.

why do we have to love anyone? it’s so cruel, it’s too cruel for my family if i leave like this. every single second nothing goes on in my head except the sentence “i want to die, i want to die, i want to die, i want to die”, i say it out loud without knowing, i repeat i hate you to the air like some sort of lunatic, i can’t do this, i can’t do this. it’s like all the emotions has been blended into one, i just want to die, fuck other ways to say it, “i want to escape” “i want to leave”, i don’t care anymore. i don’t have to right to take myself away from the people i love or i’ll tear the family apart, i can’t stay inside here either. even going into a coma is better than this, i hate my fingers as they move across the keyboard, i hate my voice and the hair that dangles in front of my face, i hate the voices, i hate the thoughts, i cant’ keep on writing, there’s nothing to write about. there isn’t even any actual content in this post, i can’t deal with it anymore, it ate me hollow from inside out and left nothing but the loath for my own consciousness and the love that’s only making things worse. i just want to get something done, i just want to get everything back on track again, the memories and thoughts feel far away, so far that i can’t barely remember who i am. i’m stuck in between the numb phase and the start of an episode and i fucking hate it, either hit me to rock bottom again or send me into depersonalization, i can’t care less, just make everything stop, the reality feels too real.