evianwatre

a gap in-between the sky and land

a gap in-between you and i

a gap, as i gaze into my past as my past selves looks back to my past selves as it continues.

a gap in my head, memories flipping through, a gap in-between myself from time to times.

a shining light leading onto the place where i once saw as home.

a gap in-between my finger tips and yours.

a gap in my stomach.

a gap when i try to open my mouth.

a cell.

a gap in-between bars they call love.

looking for a gap in-between my neck.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

i hate when people scream and laugh and yell w their face all red.

they’re so loud???how is it possible for them to be that unaware??’

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

i can’t take failures anymore, anything bad honestly. last weekend depression fucked me so hard i could barely get out of my bed.

stayed up to 5am to finish my essay, it’s late now, 50% marks.

i managed to fuck up the last class i was doing good in, i worked so hard to get a 94, my only A i think to be honest, nope fucked it up. i tried to get things better by doing school work, drawing, even eating. nothing helps, not the suicide prevention chats, not the nature, not recordings of myself out of the state of mind telling my future self that everything is going to get better. i can’t do anything about it, maybe taking medication? i shouldn’t tell them, i don’t think it’ll come across anyways.

let’s see how long i’ll last.

maybe if i tell my friends to put my mother on suicide watch (after my death) , i can leave without bringing anyone down with me.

i don’t want to give up yet, but i want to be out of this pain, quick, as quick as possible.

why is simply remembering what’s happening so hard? how are they laughing and feeling joy? how am i supposed to live on with all these memories happening over and over and over again in my head? every single second, i don’t remember the last time i felt relieved.

i hate how happy they are, i hate seeing anyone in that state of mind, i can’t remember where i placed anything, i don’t understand, i don’t.

i’m not scared of the process of dying, but what’s going to happen after my death. i’ll cause people to suffer even if after my death, and that’s the exact reason why i wanted to leave.

what’s going to take for me to escape?

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

the thoughts are getting too loud, i dont want to write anything about my life and why it is this way. i want to leave i need to leave suicide prevention chat doesnt work videos talking about everything will work doesnt do shit i can’t talk to anyone but i need to be here i can’t stay any longer but i need to or i’ll have to fucking ruin their lives i cant it hurts so bad i don’t care about the pain of suicide i need to leave i cant though i need to i cant i’m trapped here for the rest of my life i can’t think of anything else i can’t do this i can’t i can’t i can’t why do i always have to live for other people???????????LET ME GO JUST LET ME GO

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

48 kg, let’s see how low i can go

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

last night, party, emotional breakdown in front of everyone. i never wanted them to see me like that, i never wanted to spread my issues onto the others and hurt them, yet i did. i can’t keep living like this, one day i wake up and try to get everything back on track, another day i wake up with voices filled up in my head, i haven’t eaten a proper meal a long time, i should but i don’t think i need to, i stopped getting hungry. we only had 12 beers unopened and they gave me 3, not nearly enough, my head cleared up from the cold. a phone call from her, i broke down into pieces, in front of everyone that already hates me, the way the looked at me, i can feel it, i can see it, i couldn’t control it, i destroyed the last bit of joy in everyone, if only i could stop the self pity and stop making a scene at places, if only i could be happy again.

i’m slowly going insane, from all the thoughts. thinking from everyone else’s perspective, their emotions, the world, everything that i’m unable to change, everything that i see, everything i longed for, everything i give out that’ll never come back in return.

my life is falling apart.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

and i went down, and i reached down, and i looked down.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

it’s not the romantic part that i want, but i feel like i require something to keep that part of me together, to touch me and let me feel real. i’ve been left out in the conversations, people look at me as if i’m not there. i don’t blame them since i stopped wanting to talk recently.

“a, remember that you’re loved, we love you, come to us if you are feeling down.” they say that but words will never get across. they say that knowing that they don’t want a damn to do with my own business, i don’t want to share either, it’s just me, in my safe little shell, at least my head is starting to clear up.

i hope i come up in their thoughts sometimes.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

i can’t let anyone go.

everyday i woke up with the inner voice telling me: do it, this is the day.

i try to keep that urge at the bottom of everything but it doesn’t work. is it my fault? yes. asking for help and some medicine would make it stop, at least that’s what i believe how those pill works.

i’m overanalyzing everything, every word, every expression on people’s faces and i can’t help it. the messages i see kept telling me they hate me, especially when i lift the mask off.

i’m tired, i’m tired and scared, all i want is this to end in any possible way. i don’t care how much it hurts, i don’t care how my corpse would look like. i can’t be alone with myself without the feeling popping up one by one, i can’t be with other people without the cloud following on the top of my head.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

i can’t even start writing. I can think of everything that had twisted me into this way, since i was a child, but nothing will happen even if i say the words out. I’ve been seeking attention, not help, i want other people to feel that i am in this terrible state, but i don’t want help, i don’t deserve help, the only way to pay back is to be in more pain, more and more.

i don’t know when i started making these self deprecating jokes, lowering myself to a state just to make myself feel comfortable. but in other people’s eyes, from all these words i said about myself my existence had made them feel like they’re better of a person. i can’t remember when people started to talk or look at me as if they were superior, as if i know nothing and can’t get anything correct. i want to live correctly, fucking hell i really do, but to make everyone happy i’ll have to become a whole another person. i’ve realized that all people want in me is change, for me to change into someone, something else. i thought everything is getting better, i felt happy, but the cloud creeps up, and suddenly i can’t breathe all over again, all i remember is this loath for my existence, this urge to be gone completely, having my thoughts deleted and gone, for me to not remember i’ve ever been alive.

i can only talk about myself on this site about these, my childhood, my family, people around me. i’ve grown up to be a worthless shit that can’t feel anything but this, the cloud above me, i’m getting overly sensitive, i’m scared to talk or do anything, i shouldn’t even be typing, i shouldn’t be here, i shouldn’t.

“you guys are all so busy during lunch doing school work! i don’t even do anything during that time.”

they are in the student council, doing projects and meetings or practicing music. i genuinely felt bad for not using my time up, and wanted to make them happy by telling them i recognize their hard work, that’s it.

“oh, you’re busy too, you’re busy buying lunch, thinking about going to mcd or starbucks and all.”

that hit me so hard, i don’t even know why, the more i hate overanalyzing it, the more i think about it. N is a good person, i really don’t understand if that’s irony or what, but i got struck so bad i could barely get my mind off of the fact that that is truly what i do, and they see it, they judge me as someone that doesn’t care and does shit in school, when i really tried my best but still can’t get my grades up as high as them. i’m leading myself to somewhere i can’t see, being the unaware, self-centered, arrogant ***** i am.

i’d like to make more examples on my mother’s words to me, but i can’t even try to recall them, i’m such a fucking mess right now. i’m tired of being what they want me to be and continuously failing the job.  i want to leave so bad.

fuck it, i’m saying it. after i finally brought myself to talk to my mother about my feelings, without mentioning the word depression. i told her i’ve been in pain everyday and life feels bland and worthless. a reply of “ally, just so you know if you do anything stupid i would kill myself after you.” i’m getting a bit tired of typing, but my older sister said if i die she would also go with me.

i’m having the best time of my life!! living every second suffering, trying to not end this and second-handly KILL MY MOTHER AND SISTER!!! i can’t do this, the more i say it the worse i feel, i can’t do this, i can’t keep this up any longer.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

i’m seeing myself, the things around me, as me, in third person.

i’m seeing everything at once, i’m hearing everything at once, i ‘m feeling nothing but everything at once.

i don’t understand what this is, i can’t identify myself as myself anymore. i can’t even hate myself because i can’t recognize her anymore. i feel strange, i can’t explain it.

everything feels new, my hands, the pillow, the world. i feel like i’ve been born one second ago, i want to show you what i see, but i don’t know what i see either. i feel like i’m slowly going insane from the imagery and art i want to create, i don’t understand. i can’t remember my past, i can’t remember my goals, i’m not even on drug, i’m feeling a emotion of another person.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

i don’t understand what is real anymore. i don’t know if i’m overly sensitive and overthinking or if i’m just feeling everything. i understand what’s going on in their mind about me, yet i don’t.

last night, i was so happy, i woke up this morning and my head was clear, i don’t understand why i am feeling this way right now.

i can feel it, i’m sure of it, they find me annoying in one way or another. i don’t understand why they feel superior to me, i actually do understand, it’s just me. they cant love me for who i am if i can’t love myself, in fact, just the thought of existing disgusts me. i don’t understand why it’s so painful talking to people yet i kept doing it again and again, testing my luck, waiting for the one time i say something correct, something they want to hear, something they agree with. i don’t understand anything anymore.

i can’t share everything, i don’t want to share anything, i kept sharing, i kept annoying them, until it fucks this up again and again, until i finally say something that’ll make them hate me. i can’t do it. people around me are my whole world, i can’t afford to be hated, i can’t feel this way. if i’m upset all the time, if i rant to them all the time, they would be annoyed. i don’t know how to live correctly anymore. i can’t type anymore, i can’t do this, i can’t do this, i’m faking this depression, let me wake up, i thought it was getting better

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

half a year ago, i overcame the fear, self loath and reached to her for help, with nothing in return. “if you’re so depressed, you know you can go to therapy without your mother?”that was what my closest friend said to me.

it’s so selfish for me, but i want to be sick, cancer or some incurable disease. i want someone to take my life away, instead of me doing it to myself. the result is clear–she would, or people around me would feel like it’s somehow their fault if i took my own life, but that’s not the case. this shell, this person, the thoughts, the opinions inside my brain are disgusting, ugly and ignorant. i’ve been imagining how people around me will react if i disappear, it doesn’t make a difference in one way or another. most of the times i no longer cry, or scream, but i can sense the cloud forming around me, pressing me down, the cloud of what is myself, my existence had became a problem to my existence.

i don’t deserve to be here, honestly. living in an average two floor house in west Vancouver, i buy lunch and waste my food and water, i shop and never wear my clothes ever again. i looked into the mirror–what an ugly *****, crying for attention, the sense of belonging and warmth that will never be in return. i am blaming others again, i can’t do this.

i was a perfect child from kindergarten to grade two elementary, angelic voice, talented, and went along with everything they said. my life felt like it flashed right before my eyes,  it felt like a dream, where everything was wonderful and innocence and the world to me wasn’t a world but our home, playground and teachers playing pianos. things went downhill after that, slowly i turned into a stupid, unaware, annoying piece of shit to the closest people around me. i am fully aware of the cause, it’s my existence.

I’ve lived in a small city in china as a child, people were kind, the things were easy to understand before xi came in power and stuck communist propaganda all over the fucking city wall and turned china to a shitty, north Korea-like image to westerners. I’m going off track, but china is truly a wonderful place, just like any country in Asia. i’m going off track. when they had the single child policy, my mother went all the way to Canada to give birth to me, and lost her job. They thought it was worth is, since i “turned out so well”. As a cute child that would say funny things, did countless performances outside of kindergarten and loved going to the beach with my father. i’ve changed, i’ve never heard of a compliment on things i’m passionate on ever again. i stopped getting good grades, i couldn’t focus, i cry as i scream in a pathetic, ignorant tone words that would hurt her. i’m not depressed, i’ve never had a doctor check me, i don’t see the point in cutting as the pain of simply existing is enough and my longing to disappear is only to escape the pain. i don’t know what to do anymore. i forgot what i wanted to write. i am overly sensitive and i would never respond to anyone with the correct that’s pleasant to their ears. even my closest friend hates me, i can feel it. the way K stared at me without a word after i told her about a certain plan in excitement, the way she read my questions and thought with a single word response or nothing at all. if only i’ve stayed as that perfect child in kindergarten, or if i had never existed, things would be so much better, hm? the world is so beautiful, yet i don’t deserve to witness it’s beauty, i don’t, not with these eyes.

my mother and sister said if i ever leave, they would go with me. the thought of that terrifies with me. i can’t imagine what that would do to my poor father, or the rest of my family. i don’t care about friends, they can do perfectly fine without this annoying *****. i just want to be forgotten, by everyone on earth, just like before i was born. i’ll quietly die as no one remembers me, nobody would cry.

that’s impossible.

i want my mind to be deleted, i don’t want to express my thoughts, i don’t want to have thoughts, i don’t want to be self conscious, i don’t want to think.do you understand what i mean? nothing, once i’m deleted there will be no longer a person with the username of evianwatre on this website, i would be gone completely, i wouldn’t know that i existed because i wouldn’t have my thoughts to process infomation anyway. i want to be gone completely where my consciousness disappears, i don’t want there to be an afterlife, i don’t want darkness or hell, i don’t want white brick walls or bright lights. i want there to be nothing, i want to not know that i’ve existed. sorry to bother you tonight, i’ll feel better in no time.

*edit: sorry, ignore the grammar mistakes, i got too upset to check what i was actually writing. pretty stupid huh?

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

i’m an ignorant *****.

i’m brainwashed.

i kept spreading my fucking opinions now they are all going to fucking hate me.

since when did i became this toxic?

***** why can’t you shut the fuck up.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

eating is now a chore, haven’t had a proper meal since Wednesday night.

i’m not hungry at all though, everything’s alright.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

the voice comes at least three times a month, i’m tired of changing who i am over and over again. i can’t control my tears even though nothing happened, it tells me that i shouldn’t have ever existed, there’s no way out, i just want happiness for my family.

but how can i satisfy them when i kept having the thought? it’s 28C yet i still feel cold, i want to eat but i haven’t tasted anything good in months,  i can’t help but disappoint them. they wonder what happened to their loving child, i’m getting frustrated in every word people say. i can’t keep this up, i did nothing, i’m crying too much to write this. i’m really weak for not being able to handle my emotions, i’m sorry, i’m sorry, i’m sorry. if i had a fucking mess of a child like this i would treat her worse than you do.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

i want to stop thinking.

my opinions, my thoughts, they disgust me more than anything in life. i know that i didnt say anything wrong, but i can’t stand my opinions, my thoughts, the way i speak. i’m pressing the unsend button but internet won’t let it go back. it was just a simple “bro what thats crazy”but i hate the sentence, i hate how its written by me, i shouldnt have sent it, i shouldnt have published this post either, i forgot to use ‘ in shouldnt, holy fuck i can’t stand the way i do things. if i were anyone else i would come to me and beat me the fuck up until my brain leaks out, but i can’t, if i leave i would hate myself more, why can’t they stop caring, i really love them and i would hate how my disappearance would flip their lives upside down. i can’t do it, i’m stuck with this mind, for the rest of my god knows how long life

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)

when the feeling comes back on me the world turns into a grey meaningless place. but when i feel well the world is truly beautiful, flawed but beautiful, bright and filled with colors. do i deserve to be in a place like this?  absolutely not, but i’ll try to stay to observe the beauty, before i feel like shit again and the colors fade away.

[!] Report this post

Processing your request, Please wait....

Report as:	Choose one from belowRequesting Suicide PartnerDiscussing Specific Suicide MethodsHateful PostHateful or Inappropriate CommentsReligiousSpam or AdvertisingOther
Write in Words: (Optional)