evianwatre

I’m so many different people at once.

It’s so hard to describe, especially when you’re suffering from what seems to be a mental illness. It’s not that I have any actual personality disorder or anything, but switching characters is exhausting, switching who I am is exhausting, and my opinions and the way of expression shifts so much it’s not unnecessary, but

but what, but I can’t find a word to get the idea across

i talk, a lot, it’s my character. But I just can’t get what I actually want to say out. My thoughts are almost abstract, when they’re clear they shifts all the time as I become her friend or his daughter, his student or the username on social platforms.

i can’t think of my thoughts

what are your thoughts when you can’t control them?

I talk on this site differently depending on how I feel, that goes for every human on earth. But sometimes the things I state only occur to me when I’m in that situation and mood, that goes for every human on earth, I don’t know what’s the point of me writing this. I feel powerless against myself

i know that I’m not going to be saved, I know how they are, I know how this is. I don’t know who I am because there’re too many of me. I’ve been lying and thinking and pretending and repeating the loop, I don’t know how to make it out, I don’t know when I can save me from myself.

i don’t know what I’m saying. To be human, to live, I can’t keep this up. I don’t know what I’m saying, because I don’t know who this is

After my death nobody will know why, the reason the feelings my view my opinions, all that, I guess it’s good in a way. Nobody will understand who I am and how I feel, nobody will after my death.

the urge won’t last, the urge and thoughts won’t continue, I won’t be killing myself, or will I?

i don’t know when will be the time, I don’t know if I can even last another year. They don’t see it, they don’t and I need to recognize that nobody will ever do. INFP is the most idealistic personality and I fucking hate it, I hate holding hope and fantasies, I hate the nostalgia, I hate being able to speak, I hate being able to think. I don’t know how anyone can put up with being human, the limbs are getting numb, i thought I can’t feel another thing again and I was so happy of it.

the words circling around, the thought of never being understood, the dread around the chest. What’s been triggered by a small issue stays a minor problem to them, I’m so ducking selfish, i want them to understand, And it’s fucking more impossible than making a rabbit walk on its two ears. I don’t want to stop being ill, that’s the only way I can pay back for being this piece of shit. But I’m so tired, I can’t function properly, I can’t act normal and I can’t read minds.

i would drop anything I love to die. But I can’t, but I can’t, all that goes on in my mind is the cost of my death, families torn apart, relatives wondering why I ever did it, how I’m too sensitive and a “minor issue” pushed me into killing myself. It’s the guilt of living and self hatred building up more and more for the past 5 years, it’s the memories, tortured by my own head, seeing other people being normal makes me so jealous I want to die, everything results in one, self harming doesn’t help anymore, self deprecating jokes doesn’t make them love me more. I don’t know why you’re automatically attached to your family, all I see and everything I see is visions of me, knocked over by a car on the highway, half hanging on the ceiling, in a room with charcoal burning, bottles of alcohol, falling off of a tower, the thought of my head, cracked like a watermelon, my thought finally being released. I need to drop all the hope, I wish I’m more ill at this point, where I completely lose my mind and would be able to kill myself in the blink of an eye.

i want to stop loving the others and have my heart twisted and stepped on and be portrayed as the victim, I’m fine with people stepping on me, I just never, never did anything.

here comes the self pity, I don’t even know who I am anymore.

this week i went out with some of the closer friends i have, and noticed that i can actually act normal and conceal everything now. i feel the same no matter what they say, what i say. we watched the film searching and eventually i gave up on killing myself in somewhere hidden.

if you don’t know, searching is about a father searching for his disappeared daughter, i don’t know, it scares me that people’ll look for my rotting body and everything

i don’t know how long it’ll take for people i care to die of old age. i don’t know if i can make it that long. my brain is either completely blank and rejecting any informations or filled with those words, where i whisper to myself again and again how much of a piece of shit i am, almost sucking on the phrases as a pacifier, to reassure myself and see if i’m still there.

i’m completely numb. anger is washed down, same goes happiness and being sad.i don’t want to make this sound fancy so i’m just going to use the basic emotion words, but sad, for fuck’s sake i hate that word. i stopped feeling love along with most of the positive things. there’s just nothing. i don’t know how else to fix this but to…release some tension through the sexual way, but it’s almost like i’m doing it medically, this is really fucking weird to put out. my body don’t want the feeling, but if i don’t feel something comforting, i’m really going to collapse. but there’s something that keeps on screaming and yelling and telling me i should drop all this and run away. i can’t bring myself to do anything anymore. i don’t know when the day may come. sometimes i feel like there’s this steel rod, digging into the back of my neck, where there’s this little curve, leading to the bottom of the skull. break it, break it, but the rod stays there, and the voices continues. i know i deserve this, every single part of it. but i’m exhausted, every part of me is tired. dreams after dreams, no matter if it’s 1 hour or 11 hours of sleep, i can go on and on without stop, if only i get the chance to.

every single day.

i’m being forced into living and it doesn’t work anymore, my head won’t work.

it’s fun to see how long i can last without help, it’s been what, 3,4 years? never even seen the face of a therapist, and hopefully i’ll die before seeing one

ive been struggling so much just to get simple things done. what originally would take me 2 hours to finish went from 11pm to 5am. i can barely remember what i want to say, i can’t do my daily work without being affected anymore.but still i’m too scared to ask the teacher for an extension, i’ve lost hope on communicating to family or friends, i’ve tried my best to be normal, i really did, really, but the effort goes into nothing. i’m completely drained, completely burned out. i’ve sunk to the bottom, again. no matter how hard i work i just can’t get the things right. the past 2 years has been the lowest point in my life, not saying i’ve lived long, i don’t want to live long, how am i going to make it to die of old age? how long will it take for everyone who knows me to die?how long will i wait? i’m exhausted. maybe i’m just overthinking this, maybe i’m not mentally fucked, maybe when i open my eyes after 2 hours everything’ll go back to the way they were. nothing and everything is going on at once, every drop of rain hitting the roof, every muscle pulling my fingers to type. why am i, out of everyone why am i here? this room needs to be owned a person who actually deserves to be here.

it’s raining in vancouver

escapism or whatever, i just need to feel loved or something positive so desperately. there are certain books and mangas have been giving me these beautiful dopamine rush. i forget about who i am, where i am, and i drawn in the pleasant sensation that goes from my arms to my stomach, my back.

it feels so good, well, but just like every time, when you go under the sun and return back everything just feels dimmer than they originally are.

i’m physically attached to it, when it comes, almost like an asmr tingle, i float up in the clouds.but i won’t always get them. for now they are physically making me feel better

update, i fucking hate myself again i hope i disappear from everyones mind so i can hang myself all alone and die without an identity!

i’ve been wearing black turtle necks a lot because it’s warm for winter-i haven’t strangled in a while (not in a sexual way lol idk how people get off to that), i like it bc i dont like the feeling of getting my skin cut through or whatever, and it usually leaves less of a mark, but this time i did it and i guess bc i havent done it for a while i didn’t do it correctly (ig theres no correct way to do it i just have my way), and it left some thin marks and it was mediocre, i didnt even feel anything. since i’ve been wearing the same turtle neck for so long (uniqlo and their good quality), i’m kind of tired of that, but i have to wear that again to cover the marks up. usually, well most of the time i get a slight red mark but little red blood marks pop up on my face and neck, ik it’s bad for my skin but at least it looked natural. well, my point is, i really dont know the point actually, but this time it left obvious marks and i hate that!!

microwaved bread with nacho cheese on top is kind of good

10 days without feeling upset, or not feeling anything at all. i’ve been keeping my mouth shut. no part of me is on social media yet i’ve put up what other people see as “everything”, no part of me is true, not in reality, not online. when i used to feel things, i would post them on a close friends list, or write them down on my notes, just to remind myself i’m feeling that way, really stupid of me but that was how i coped for a while. the happiness, for half a night i would be almost high on happiness and drown in a dose of confidence and the other time i felt complete trash and i thought posting would help, because making fun of my current situation would make me a outsider to my feelings.

well, that didn’t help and honestly that was the worst thing i’ve ever done to myself.

now nothing goes out. i try to communicate though, online or in real life.making stories like how i saw a bird slip and fall on wet ground (yes i know it’s stupid), to make others feel like i still exist, i’ve done everything to keep people interested yet i get no effort, no attention back. i think i know why, it’s because i’ve put myself down to the mud with all the self deprecating shit and now i’ve made everyone around me feel superior, i don’t even know if what i’m saying is making sense, but who cares, i’m not posting this for anyone to read, i just have to get it out there, one way or another.

i can’t feel anything now. i can’t even phrase it, i don’t feel anything. i know or by nature i feel the need to react a certain way, laugh or be sympathetic of someone, but i don’t feel anything inside. i used to cry from the negative emotions, now, i don’t know, i can still cry, a tear or two, but i feel truly nothing inside, as if i’m too tired for the emotions. i don’t know who i am, i never knew who i am,  but now i truly don’t understand why i am feeling this way. i don’t need a reason, i’m so tired, i just want to sleep.

i can’t leave, i can’t die, i can’t go to sleep.

my death would ruin my family.

i’m only doing the things i do to stay alive, to make sure i get a job in the future, but i don’t even want that. i’m so tired i just want to go to sleep, once and for all. i don’t want a future, yet i have to work to get a good one. ok, tears, am i feeling anything though? i doubt

dysfunctional family, mental illness, memories and memories and memories and memories i can’t escape from, i’ve died a long time ago.

words that don’t define who i am, i hear it from them every single day, i never expected understanding from anyone. the only thing worse is that they are occasionally, decent people, and they see it as if they’re granting me something i don’t deserve. i’m scared to tell them, they ask but they don’t listen and from experiences, countless times i tried, it’s never going to go through.

i’m not falling apart. i’m a plastic shell with shattered pieces, i never thought any of this would happen, i never thought it’s possible to feel anything like this. it’s my fault that i became this ill fuck. it is, it is, it is, it is, it is but they turned me into this, no it’s not them, it’s me, it’s me but it’s them, it’s them but it’s me. i hate my family, i hate them i love them i love them so much i want to die, they can hurt me, hurt me more, hurt me more and drown me alive, they can do anything because i love them, oh i love them i love them so much i love them so much. i just can’t live with this anymore, i can’t with their words and my thoughts and my conditions and my head  i can’t ,live in my head i can’t live in my head i can’t live in myself. i can’t live in myself, i can’t be myself, i don’t know who i am. i’m the only one at fault here, if i weren’t here, nothing like this would happen. one second i’m ok the next second i’m

when i was a child i never thought any of this would happen, when i saw the things in the world as what the others see in a world. the beaches, the sun, the energy drinks and knock off adidas, when i had a glow in my eyes and nothing in my heart.

i’m pitying myself, again, shut up.

i can’t go on, i can’t go on and i can’t go on but if i end it here i’ll ruin other people’s lives, i’ve lived for the others for my whole life and even at the second of my death i’ll continue to do so. i can’t die. i’m torturing myself but i deserve it, i deserve what i feel, and i’ll continue to do so, with that clown’s motive in my head and layers of masks on my face, praying that a car’ll run me over, or a school shooter shoots me in the head. things in my head that’ll never get across, maybe they’re justified, maybe it’s just the part of being in jail, like the shitty meatloaves and orange jumpsuit, maybe i deserve it for committing the felony of living as who i am. so what’s the problem? keep hurting me, keep hurting me, keep hurting me, i’ll even do it further.  the voices, the memories, the things the illness feeds me——i even opened my mouth for the spoon to go in. don’t ever talk about it, don’t ever say it out loud. someone as disgusting and ignorant as me should have no right as a human being, i shouldn’t feel any sense of happiness at all, i shouldn’t wish for better at all, i shouldn’t reach for other’s love or ever go under the sun.

i want to be in pain, self contradicting since i’d die to be less ill. i want to be in agony, i want to stay in this purgatory named life. i deserve this as a punishment, i deserve everything that has happened, i recognize the fact that it’s my fault for being me and i deserve to be kept in this prison, but it’s only human nature to be a coward and an escapee, yet i can’t with my head half sunken in water and my arms tied to the walls and my legs chained by reality.

can you imagine?? i am alive, in this body, someone as disgusting, ugly, selfish, lazy, sensitive and stupid as me.

i wish i could disappear, from everyone’s memory. i can end this, i’m not afraid to (unless i have to slice my neck open or sth) but i can’t further on hurt them anymore. i’m never good enough when i exist, and i’ll continue to do the same even if i leave. i am tired of being trapped in this way of life, these roofs, this piece of sky and limited routes to certain locations, this head, this face, this mind. i can’t stand my thoughts. i hate my existence so bad while i pity myself for my current situation, i had the audacity to

i can barely make it through a single day. my past memories kept flooding me, every single second, every time i try to be happy with how i am now. when’s the last time i lived for one day without these kind of thoughts? these fucking memories, my thoughts, my opinion on politics, art, people, i’m so sick of it.

wherever you’re at, how’s the weather?

i just had the worst anxiety attack of my life, everything is hurting, i can’t focus, everything feels too bright.

i’m slowly going insane and i can’t do anything about it, i can’t fight it anymore.

it’s not even depression anymore, i want to bring that ***** down with me.

yang shang qing huh?

hey guys, is there a way i can prevent my family members from committing suicide after my death?

a gap in-between the sky and land

a gap in-between you and i

a gap, as i gaze into my past as my past selves looks back to my past selves as it continues.

a gap in my head, memories flipping through, a gap in-between myself from time to times.

a shining light leading onto the place where i once saw as home.

a gap in-between my finger tips and yours.

a gap in my stomach.

a gap when i try to open my mouth.

a cell.

a gap in-between bars they call love.

looking for a gap in-between my neck.

i hate when people scream and laugh and yell w their face all red.

they’re so loud???how is it possible for them to be that unaware??’

i can’t take failures anymore, anything bad honestly. last weekend depression fucked me so hard i could barely get out of my bed.

stayed up to 5am to finish my essay, it’s late now, 50% marks.

i managed to fuck up the last class i was doing good in, i worked so hard to get a 94, my only A i think to be honest, nope fucked it up. i tried to get things better by doing school work, drawing, even eating. nothing helps, not the suicide prevention chats, not the nature, not recordings of myself out of the state of mind telling my future self that everything is going to get better. i can’t do anything about it, maybe taking medication? i shouldn’t tell them, i don’t think it’ll come across anyways.

let’s see how long i’ll last.

maybe if i tell my friends to put my mother on suicide watch (after my death) , i can leave without bringing anyone down with me.

i don’t want to give up yet, but i want to be out of this pain, quick, as quick as possible.

why is simply remembering what’s happening so hard? how are they laughing and feeling joy? how am i supposed to live on with all these memories happening over and over and over again in my head? every single second, i don’t remember the last time i felt relieved.

i hate how happy they are, i hate seeing anyone in that state of mind, i can’t remember where i placed anything, i don’t understand, i don’t.

i’m not scared of the process of dying, but what’s going to happen after my death. i’ll cause people to suffer even if after my death, and that’s the exact reason why i wanted to leave.

what’s going to take for me to escape?

the thoughts are getting too loud, i dont want to write anything about my life and why it is this way. i want to leave i need to leave suicide prevention chat doesnt work videos talking about everything will work doesnt do shit i can’t talk to anyone but i need to be here i can’t stay any longer but i need to or i’ll have to fucking ruin their lives i cant it hurts so bad i don’t care about the pain of suicide i need to leave i cant though i need to i cant i’m trapped here for the rest of my life i can’t think of anything else i can’t do this i can’t i can’t i can’t why do i always have to live for other people???????????LET ME GO JUST LET ME GO

48 kg, let’s see how low i can go

last night, party, emotional breakdown in front of everyone. i never wanted them to see me like that, i never wanted to spread my issues onto the others and hurt them, yet i did. i can’t keep living like this, one day i wake up and try to get everything back on track, another day i wake up with voices filled up in my head, i haven’t eaten a proper meal a long time, i should but i don’t think i need to, i stopped getting hungry. we only had 12 beers unopened and they gave me 3, not nearly enough, my head cleared up from the cold. a phone call from her, i broke down into pieces, in front of everyone that already hates me, the way the looked at me, i can feel it, i can see it, i couldn’t control it, i destroyed the last bit of joy in everyone, if only i could stop the self pity and stop making a scene at places, if only i could be happy again.

i’m slowly going insane, from all the thoughts. thinking from everyone else’s perspective, their emotions, the world, everything that i’m unable to change, everything that i see, everything i longed for, everything i give out that’ll never come back in return.

my life is falling apart.

and i went down, and i reached down, and i looked down.