ok i just ended another conversation by saying something completely unneeded and making it awkward, then i tried to apologize for doing that i did
then i realized its going to make everything worse yay
i’m scared to see what they’ll respond
theres nothing i can do about this shit. it seems like everything i did was a mistake, i open my mouth and there goes another, i say whats on my mind and they go “you shouldn’t think that way”. how the fuck am i suppose to make others comfortable when i- i dont even know what i want to say.
people compare pain, it’s really fucking annoying. sorry that we’re not experiencing the death of a family or living in a war zone right now, we don’t deserve to be sad knowing how much we have? fuck, it’s true, as if i want to feel like hot shit every day i get up. everyone gets on this world, they suffer and some just can’t make it out, being the ***** and quit midway seems easier, but yeah im the bigger ***** and i can’t do it.
its just today when i start to imagine that i don’t exist to others. during lunch i sat with them without a word to say, as usual, because for fuck’s sake i am ignorant enough to never make the right comment that satisfies them. nothing taste good anymore, i do feel hungry now and i think its better since last month i couldn’t get my interest on eating at all. food’s fucking disgusting. i was chewing the shit out of a stick of corn and as the time goes on i felt like i was fading away, that was the peace i want. nobody laid an eye on me and spoke of me, it’s funny since i do get sad when that happens sometimes, but imagine one day you wake up and nobody remembers you and you can just do whatever the fuck you want, jump in front of a car and no one will cry. that’s #2 on my dream list #1 is getting a pop tart ive never had that shit before i know i dont feel like eating and shit but pop tart holy fuck yes come to daddy