the sky is gray today.
i can hear the traffic outside, my mother preparing for lunch, the bugs that live in the walls, my dog tearing up his toy.
the wind is quiet today.
i want to stop thinking.
my opinions, my thoughts, they disgust me more than anything in life. i know that i didnt say anything wrong, but i can’t stand my opinions, my thoughts, the way i speak. i’m pressing the unsend button but internet won’t let it go back. it was just a simple “bro what thats crazy”but i hate the sentence, i hate how its written by me, i shouldnt have sent it, i shouldnt have published this post either, i forgot to use ‘ in shouldnt, holy fuck i can’t stand the way i do things. if i were anyone else i would come to me and beat me the fuck up until my brain leaks out, but i can’t, if i leave i would hate myself more, why can’t they stop caring, i really love them and i would hate how my disappearance would flip their lives upside down. i can’t do it, i’m stuck with this mind, for the rest of my god knows how long life
when the feeling comes back on me the world turns into a grey meaningless place. but when i feel well the world is truly beautiful, flawed but beautiful, bright and filled with colors. do i deserve to be in a place like this? absolutely not, but i’ll try to stay to observe the beauty, before i feel like shit again and the colors fade away.
i type in s in the top bar, i click in, i log on to this account and pour everything out knowing it’s not going to help. i’m no longer in pain, my body adjusted and i’m used to it. i’ll stay calm for the day to come. but like many other things in life, i’ll never get to decide for myself, not even the day for me to quit.
theres nothing i can do about this shit. it seems like everything i did was a mistake, i open my mouth and there goes another, i say whats on my mind and they go “you shouldn’t think that way”. how the fuck am i suppose to make others comfortable when i- i dont even know what i want to say.
people compare pain, it’s really fucking annoying. sorry that we’re not experiencing the death of a family or living in a war zone right now, we don’t deserve to be sad knowing how much we have? fuck, it’s true, as if i want to feel like hot shit every day i get up. everyone gets on this world, they suffer and some just can’t make it out, being the ***** and quit midway seems easier, but yeah im the bigger ***** and i can’t do it.
its just today when i start to imagine that i don’t exist to others. during lunch i sat with them without a word to say, as usual, because for fuck’s sake i am ignorant enough to never make the right comment that satisfies them. nothing taste good anymore, i do feel hungry now and i think its better since last month i couldn’t get my interest on eating at all. food’s fucking disgusting. i was chewing the shit out of a stick of corn and as the time goes on i felt like i was fading away, that was the peace i want. nobody laid an eye on me and spoke of me, it’s funny since i do get sad when that happens sometimes, but imagine one day you wake up and nobody remembers you and you can just do whatever the fuck you want, jump in front of a car and no one will cry. that’s #2 on my dream list #1 is getting a pop tart ive never had that shit before i know i dont feel like eating and shit but pop tart holy fuck yes come to daddy