evianwatre

i’ve been wearing black turtle necks a lot because it’s warm for winter-i haven’t strangled in a while (not in a sexual way lol idk how people get off to that), i like it bc i dont like the feeling of getting my skin cut through or whatever, and it usually leaves less of a mark, but this time i did it and i guess bc i havent done it for a while i didn’t do it correctly (ig theres no correct way to do it i just have my way), and it left some thin marks and it was mediocre, i didnt even feel anything. since i’ve been wearing the same turtle neck for so long (uniqlo and their good quality), i’m kind of tired of that, but i have to wear that again to cover the marks up. usually, well most of the time i get a slight red mark but little red blood marks pop up on my face and neck, ik it’s bad for my skin but at least it looked natural. well, my point is, i really dont know the point actually, but this time it left obvious marks and i hate that!!

microwaved bread with nacho cheese on top is kind of good

10 days without feeling upset, or not feeling anything at all. i’ve been keeping my mouth shut. no part of me is on social media yet i’ve put up what other people see as “everything”, no part of me is true, not in reality, not online. when i used to feel things, i would post them on a close friends list, or write them down on my notes, just to remind myself i’m feeling that way, really stupid of me but that was how i coped for a while. the happiness, for half a night i would be almost high on happiness and drown in a dose of confidence and the other time i felt complete trash and i thought posting would help, because making fun of my current situation would make me a outsider to my feelings.

well, that didn’t help and honestly that was the worst thing i’ve ever done to myself.

now nothing goes out. i try to communicate though, online or in real life.making stories like how i saw a bird slip and fall on wet ground (yes i know it’s stupid), to make others feel like i still exist, i’ve done everything to keep people interested yet i get no effort, no attention back. i think i know why, it’s because i’ve put myself down to the mud with all the self deprecating shit and now i’ve made everyone around me feel superior, i don’t even know if what i’m saying is making sense, but who cares, i’m not posting this for anyone to read, i just have to get it out there, one way or another.

i can’t feel anything now. i can’t even phrase it, i don’t feel anything. i know or by nature i feel the need to react a certain way, laugh or be sympathetic of someone, but i don’t feel anything inside. i used to cry from the negative emotions, now, i don’t know, i can still cry, a tear or two, but i feel truly nothing inside, as if i’m too tired for the emotions. i don’t know who i am, i never knew who i am,  but now i truly don’t understand why i am feeling this way. i don’t need a reason, i’m so tired, i just want to sleep.

i can’t leave, i can’t die, i can’t go to sleep.

my death would ruin my family.

i’m only doing the things i do to stay alive, to make sure i get a job in the future, but i don’t even want that. i’m so tired i just want to go to sleep, once and for all. i don’t want a future, yet i have to work to get a good one. ok, tears, am i feeling anything though? i doubt

dysfunctional family, mental illness, memories and memories and memories and memories i can’t escape from, i’ve died a long time ago.

words that don’t define who i am, i hear it from them every single day, i never expected understanding from anyone. the only thing worse is that they are occasionally, decent people, and they see it as if they’re granting me something i don’t deserve. i’m scared to tell them, they ask but they don’t listen and from experiences, countless times i tried, it’s never going to go through.

i’m not falling apart. i’m a plastic shell with shattered pieces, i never thought any of this would happen, i never thought it’s possible to feel anything like this. it’s my fault that i became this ill fuck. it is, it is, it is, it is, it is but they turned me into this, no it’s not them, it’s me, it’s me but it’s them, it’s them but it’s me. i hate my family, i hate them i love them i love them so much i want to die, they can hurt me, hurt me more, hurt me more and drown me alive, they can do anything because i love them, oh i love them i love them so much i love them so much. i just can’t live with this anymore, i can’t with their words and my thoughts and my conditions and my head  i can’t ,live in my head i can’t live in my head i can’t live in myself. i can’t live in myself, i can’t be myself, i don’t know who i am. i’m the only one at fault here, if i weren’t here, nothing like this would happen. one second i’m ok the next second i’m

when i was a child i never thought any of this would happen, when i saw the things in the world as what the others see in a world. the beaches, the sun, the energy drinks and knock off adidas, when i had a glow in my eyes and nothing in my heart.

i’m pitying myself, again, shut up.

i can’t go on, i can’t go on and i can’t go on but if i end it here i’ll ruin other people’s lives, i’ve lived for the others for my whole life and even at the second of my death i’ll continue to do so. i can’t die. i’m torturing myself but i deserve it, i deserve what i feel, and i’ll continue to do so, with that clown’s motive in my head and layers of masks on my face, praying that a car’ll run me over, or a school shooter shoots me in the head. things in my head that’ll never get across, maybe they’re justified, maybe it’s just the part of being in jail, like the shitty meatloaves and orange jumpsuit, maybe i deserve it for committing the felony of living as who i am. so what’s the problem? keep hurting me, keep hurting me, keep hurting me, i’ll even do it further.  the voices, the memories, the things the illness feeds me——i even opened my mouth for the spoon to go in. don’t ever talk about it, don’t ever say it out loud. someone as disgusting and ignorant as me should have no right as a human being, i shouldn’t feel any sense of happiness at all, i shouldn’t wish for better at all, i shouldn’t reach for other’s love or ever go under the sun.

i want to be in pain, self contradicting since i’d die to be less ill. i want to be in agony, i want to stay in this purgatory named life. i deserve this as a punishment, i deserve everything that has happened, i recognize the fact that it’s my fault for being me and i deserve to be kept in this prison, but it’s only human nature to be a coward and an escapee, yet i can’t with my head half sunken in water and my arms tied to the walls and my legs chained by reality.

can you imagine?? i am alive, in this body, someone as disgusting, ugly, selfish, lazy, sensitive and stupid as me.

i wish i could disappear, from everyone’s memory. i can end this, i’m not afraid to (unless i have to slice my neck open or sth) but i can’t further on hurt them anymore. i’m never good enough when i exist, and i’ll continue to do the same even if i leave. i am tired of being trapped in this way of life, these roofs, this piece of sky and limited routes to certain locations, this head, this face, this mind. i can’t stand my thoughts. i hate my existence so bad while i pity myself for my current situation, i had the audacity to

i can barely make it through a single day. my past memories kept flooding me, every single second, every time i try to be happy with how i am now. when’s the last time i lived for one day without these kind of thoughts? these fucking memories, my thoughts, my opinion on politics, art, people, i’m so sick of it.

wherever you’re at, how’s the weather?

i just had the worst anxiety attack of my life, everything is hurting, i can’t focus, everything feels too bright.

i’m slowly going insane and i can’t do anything about it, i can’t fight it anymore.

it’s not even depression anymore, i want to bring that ***** down with me.

yang shang qing huh?

hey guys, is there a way i can prevent my family members from committing suicide after my death?

a gap in-between the sky and land

a gap in-between you and i

a gap, as i gaze into my past as my past selves looks back to my past selves as it continues.

a gap in my head, memories flipping through, a gap in-between myself from time to times.

a shining light leading onto the place where i once saw as home.

a gap in-between my finger tips and yours.

a gap in my stomach.

a gap when i try to open my mouth.

a cell.

a gap in-between bars they call love.

looking for a gap in-between my neck.

i hate when people scream and laugh and yell w their face all red.

they’re so loud???how is it possible for them to be that unaware??’

i can’t take failures anymore, anything bad honestly. last weekend depression fucked me so hard i could barely get out of my bed.

stayed up to 5am to finish my essay, it’s late now, 50% marks.

i managed to fuck up the last class i was doing good in, i worked so hard to get a 94, my only A i think to be honest, nope fucked it up. i tried to get things better by doing school work, drawing, even eating. nothing helps, not the suicide prevention chats, not the nature, not recordings of myself out of the state of mind telling my future self that everything is going to get better. i can’t do anything about it, maybe taking medication? i shouldn’t tell them, i don’t think it’ll come across anyways.

let’s see how long i’ll last.

maybe if i tell my friends to put my mother on suicide watch (after my death) , i can leave without bringing anyone down with me.

i don’t want to give up yet, but i want to be out of this pain, quick, as quick as possible.

why is simply remembering what’s happening so hard? how are they laughing and feeling joy? how am i supposed to live on with all these memories happening over and over and over again in my head? every single second, i don’t remember the last time i felt relieved.

i hate how happy they are, i hate seeing anyone in that state of mind, i can’t remember where i placed anything, i don’t understand, i don’t.

i’m not scared of the process of dying, but what’s going to happen after my death. i’ll cause people to suffer even if after my death, and that’s the exact reason why i wanted to leave.

what’s going to take for me to escape?

the thoughts are getting too loud, i dont want to write anything about my life and why it is this way. i want to leave i need to leave suicide prevention chat doesnt work videos talking about everything will work doesnt do shit i can’t talk to anyone but i need to be here i can’t stay any longer but i need to or i’ll have to fucking ruin their lives i cant it hurts so bad i don’t care about the pain of suicide i need to leave i cant though i need to i cant i’m trapped here for the rest of my life i can’t think of anything else i can’t do this i can’t i can’t i can’t why do i always have to live for other people???????????LET ME GO JUST LET ME GO

48 kg, let’s see how low i can go

last night, party, emotional breakdown in front of everyone. i never wanted them to see me like that, i never wanted to spread my issues onto the others and hurt them, yet i did. i can’t keep living like this, one day i wake up and try to get everything back on track, another day i wake up with voices filled up in my head, i haven’t eaten a proper meal a long time, i should but i don’t think i need to, i stopped getting hungry. we only had 12 beers unopened and they gave me 3, not nearly enough, my head cleared up from the cold. a phone call from her, i broke down into pieces, in front of everyone that already hates me, the way the looked at me, i can feel it, i can see it, i couldn’t control it, i destroyed the last bit of joy in everyone, if only i could stop the self pity and stop making a scene at places, if only i could be happy again.

i’m slowly going insane, from all the thoughts. thinking from everyone else’s perspective, their emotions, the world, everything that i’m unable to change, everything that i see, everything i longed for, everything i give out that’ll never come back in return.

my life is falling apart.

and i went down, and i reached down, and i looked down.

it’s not the romantic part that i want, but i feel like i require something to keep that part of me together, to touch me and let me feel real. i’ve been left out in the conversations, people look at me as if i’m not there. i don’t blame them since i stopped wanting to talk recently.

“a, remember that you’re loved, we love you, come to us if you are feeling down.” they say that but words will never get across. they say that knowing that they don’t want a damn to do with my own business, i don’t want to share either, it’s just me, in my safe little shell, at least my head is starting to clear up.

i hope i come up in their thoughts sometimes.

i can’t let anyone go.

everyday i woke up with the inner voice telling me: do it, this is the day.

i try to keep that urge at the bottom of everything but it doesn’t work. is it my fault? yes. asking for help and some medicine would make it stop, at least that’s what i believe how those pill works.

i’m overanalyzing everything, every word, every expression on people’s faces and i can’t help it. the messages i see kept telling me they hate me, especially when i lift the mask off.

i’m tired, i’m tired and scared, all i want is this to end in any possible way. i don’t care how much it hurts, i don’t care how my corpse would look like. i can’t be alone with myself without the feeling popping up one by one, i can’t be with other people without the cloud following on the top of my head.

i can’t even start writing. I can think of everything that had twisted me into this way, since i was a child, but nothing will happen even if i say the words out. I’ve been seeking attention, not help, i want other people to feel that i am in this terrible state, but i don’t want help, i don’t deserve help, the only way to pay back is to be in more pain, more and more.

i don’t know when i started making these self deprecating jokes, lowering myself to a state just to make myself feel comfortable. but in other people’s eyes, from all these words i said about myself my existence had made them feel like they’re better of a person. i can’t remember when people started to talk or look at me as if they were superior, as if i know nothing and can’t get anything correct. i want to live correctly, fucking hell i really do, but to make everyone happy i’ll have to become a whole another person. i’ve realized that all people want in me is change, for me to change into someone, something else. i thought everything is getting better, i felt happy, but the cloud creeps up, and suddenly i can’t breathe all over again, all i remember is this loath for my existence, this urge to be gone completely, having my thoughts deleted and gone, for me to not remember i’ve ever been alive.

i can only talk about myself on this site about these, my childhood, my family, people around me. i’ve grown up to be a worthless shit that can’t feel anything but this, the cloud above me, i’m getting overly sensitive, i’m scared to talk or do anything, i shouldn’t even be typing, i shouldn’t be here, i shouldn’t.

“you guys are all so busy during lunch doing school work! i don’t even do anything during that time.”

they are in the student council, doing projects and meetings or practicing music. i genuinely felt bad for not using my time up, and wanted to make them happy by telling them i recognize their hard work, that’s it.

“oh, you’re busy too, you’re busy buying lunch, thinking about going to mcd or starbucks and all.”

that hit me so hard, i don’t even know why, the more i hate overanalyzing it, the more i think about it. N is a good person, i really don’t understand if that’s irony or what, but i got struck so bad i could barely get my mind off of the fact that that is truly what i do, and they see it, they judge me as someone that doesn’t care and does shit in school, when i really tried my best but still can’t get my grades up as high as them. i’m leading myself to somewhere i can’t see, being the unaware, self-centered, arrogant ***** i am.

i’d like to make more examples on my mother’s words to me, but i can’t even try to recall them, i’m such a fucking mess right now. i’m tired of being what they want me to be and continuously failing the job.  i want to leave so bad.

fuck it, i’m saying it. after i finally brought myself to talk to my mother about my feelings, without mentioning the word depression. i told her i’ve been in pain everyday and life feels bland and worthless. a reply of “ally, just so you know if you do anything stupid i would kill myself after you.” i’m getting a bit tired of typing, but my older sister said if i die she would also go with me.

i’m having the best time of my life!! living every second suffering, trying to not end this and second-handly KILL MY MOTHER AND SISTER!!! i can’t do this, the more i say it the worse i feel, i can’t do this, i can’t keep this up any longer.

i’m seeing myself, the things around me, as me, in third person.

i’m seeing everything at once, i’m hearing everything at once, i ‘m feeling nothing but everything at once.

i don’t understand what this is, i can’t identify myself as myself anymore. i can’t even hate myself because i can’t recognize her anymore. i feel strange, i can’t explain it.

everything feels new, my hands, the pillow, the world. i feel like i’ve been born one second ago, i want to show you what i see, but i don’t know what i see either. i feel like i’m slowly going insane from the imagery and art i want to create, i don’t understand. i can’t remember my past, i can’t remember my goals, i’m not even on drug, i’m feeling a emotion of another person.

i don’t understand what is real anymore. i don’t know if i’m overly sensitive and overthinking or if i’m just feeling everything. i understand what’s going on in their mind about me, yet i don’t.

last night, i was so happy, i woke up this morning and my head was clear, i don’t understand why i am feeling this way right now.

i can feel it, i’m sure of it, they find me annoying in one way or another. i don’t understand why they feel superior to me, i actually do understand, it’s just me. they cant love me for who i am if i can’t love myself, in fact, just the thought of existing disgusts me. i don’t understand why it’s so painful talking to people yet i kept doing it again and again, testing my luck, waiting for the one time i say something correct, something they want to hear, something they agree with. i don’t understand anything anymore.

i can’t share everything, i don’t want to share anything, i kept sharing, i kept annoying them, until it fucks this up again and again, until i finally say something that’ll make them hate me. i can’t do it. people around me are my whole world, i can’t afford to be hated, i can’t feel this way. if i’m upset all the time, if i rant to them all the time, they would be annoyed. i don’t know how to live correctly anymore. i can’t type anymore, i can’t do this, i can’t do this, i’m faking this depression, let me wake up, i thought it was getting better