Incessant Depression

I’ve become a vegetarian as a form of penance, don’t know how long it’s going to last. I’ve been looking at pictures of baby animals online. I feel guilty..I just count the days I don’t eat meat as a triumph. although right now I can’t eat anything at all, I lost my appetite,  I can’t sleep, I’ve been drinking every second day.. only 4 beers but still I hate relying on it. I hate being poor and having no job prospects. I want to live as a herder in Mongolia with a few Yaks to keep me company and feed me dairy products. I don’t see the point of living or dying, but dying has its benefit of not being alive and aware of my failures in life.  I don’t want or need a relationship, I don’t trust anyone to stay loyal and besides I get bored of people easily with their petty problems. Even if I did win the lottery, it’ll be me on a piece of property growing my own food and farm animals to keep me company. I’ll deck it out with solar panels and just wish that all animals go to heaven .