Iv tried too commit suicide a fair few times by overdosing an there’s always been this one memory of mine when I tried too hang myself, where I was standing on my computer chair I was going too hang myself there an then it was on my birthday I’m pretty sure.
Well that memory has always stuck with me standing up there with an extension cable wrapped around my neck for 45 minutes just wanting too take that last step off that chair but it just never happened I remember looking over at my dog “Leroy” an just becoming very jelly like! I had this moment where my legs just got all wobbly an the chair started to move an rolled abit well I quickly reached up an held onto the cord an shuffled the chair back too where it was in the beginning i remained as still as Possible the adrenaline was nothing iv ever felt before, i still haven’t got over that moment I almost fantasies about it when the thoughts come back witch is a lot sadly I wish I could get to that point again the depression an stuff is still very much a constant though in my life even know it was back in 2014,
The last few months have brought me back too them times again I only just got out of a mental health unit a few months back an everything has been going downhill again the other night I was don’t “Nangs” “Whippets” them little silver canisters with Nitrous Oxide in them made for whipped cream or whatever well i honestly thought of one of the most easiest ways of getting over the fear of taking that last step,
Sometimes with the Nangs you completely black out for a few seconds an when you regain consciousness everything’s a mess, it’s just you shutting the oxygen off from the brain for a few seconds an passing out well in my head I reckon if I placed yourself on the chair ready too step off a did one with everything ready too go I’d pass out fall off the chair an within the time the nang wore off I’d already have been hanging for 10/20 seconds an have all the oxygen cut off too my brain an be dead,
It just seems like instead of having all that time too think about stepping off the chair an talking myself out of it, I could just pass out then fall off the chair an die before I new anything happened.
1 comment
It’s ok to fantasize about death, we all do at times, I’ve spent many hours doing so, in some ways I found it helpful just to visualize, but if I remember you were scared by how close you can while you were on the chair as you mentioned above, that’s sad to think about. I rarely come here these days, but sometimes when I do I notice previous members, I read your response on the other post, you spoke about getting help, yes, you’re right, your gp needs to put your depression and suicidal condition into context by knowing the cause; different reasons means treatment will vary and the type of specialist will vary. You had dark times as in the past, you have moved forward, you can talk about issues, at least once to the police officer and you can be strong and do it again. You talk about wanting companionship and a life away from where you live so you have a wish for something better somewhere in your mind but overshadowed by past trauma. It’s a shame you have no one close to speak with, I can relate to that, I wished I’d talked more at a younger age and sort to get the help I needed, I really hope you can discuss with the GP and start getting help to move forward.