I can’t keep up with my own self my own feelings my own needs and my own mistakes. I was born in a different country from my wishes. I can’t figure if I believe in god or not while am from a Muslim family and I drink and I lost my virginity and I smoke and do everything I was raised not to do. I even tried gay sex and I have to say I never enjoyed any of them even alit bit. I even thought am asexual but I get excited about sex but I don’t enjoy it when I do it… I feel alone while am surrounded by many people. no one understands me. I know its cliche and many feel that but am surrounded by many things I don’t want to be surrounded with. I had many relationships but they were never really the only girl I loved and wanted and had every hope on her rejected me. I’m a senior in computer science who about to graduate with basic knowledge about his major and pretty sure I will have no future. Man, everything is doing me wrong even my own body my own feelings my own dreams my own mind. I wish to die but I fear death, I fear it so much is scared from meeting god and am scared of continuing this life. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die am so in pain and nothing helps me escaping it. please help.