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Given up

by nhayte

I can’t keep up with my own self my own feelings my own needs and my own mistakes. I was born in a different country from my wishes. I can’t figure if I believe in god or not while am from a Muslim family and I drink and I lost my virginity and I smoke and do everything I was raised not to do. I even tried gay sex and I have to say I never enjoyed any of them even alit bit. I even thought am asexual but I get excited about sex but I don’t enjoy it when I do it… I feel alone while am surrounded by many people. no one understands me. I know its cliche and many feel that but am surrounded by many things I don’t want to be surrounded with. I had many relationships but they were never really the only girl I loved and wanted and had every hope on her rejected me. I’m a senior in computer science who about to graduate with basic knowledge about his major and pretty sure I will have no future. Man, everything is doing me wrong even my own body my own feelings my own dreams my own mind. I wish to die but I fear death, I fear it so much is scared from meeting god and am scared of continuing this life. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to die am so in pain and nothing helps me escaping it. please help.

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specialape 7/2/2020 - 3:04 pm

Hey man! I can sort of relate. I’m from a Muslim family too. You can rationalise all the things you do, but they feeling of doing something terribly terribly wrong never goes away, does it? I stopped believing in God when I was about 12 but it’s not like that presence, that looming fear ever left me. And the fear of my family or anyone else finding out is like, worse than the fear of death for me. But for what it’s worth, I think it’s great that you experimented and tried new things, even if you found you didn’t like it that much. Many people are too far stuck in their prejudices and beliefs to go against the grain. I think that’s pretty cool. And ouch I can relate to the sex part. Sucks, doesn’t it?
D’you think you could move country? Perhaps to get a job, you’re a senior anyway. Start over, make a new life for yourself?

And hey don’t get too dejected over getting rejected. Maybe she didn’t want anything at the time or maybe you’re just not her type. That doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with you, it just means you don’t have what she was looking for, and perhaps she couldn’t see all you had? Keep on doin’ you, you’re probably someone’s ideal man.

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