60 something days left

i want to kill myself before my birthday.

today is the first time i looked back at my posts, i feel so sorry that i never replied to many comments people left for me, but you know…it’s too late to reply now. it’s funny, at first i couldn’t shut up about my mental state to the point where i had to disable my own social media account, now i’m able to stay completely silent, because i no longer feel a thing. the first time i posted about not having a inner monologue was probably the winter of 2019, i remember the first time i had symptoms of depersonalization, they are just symptoms because i never went to see a doctor or anything. sorry, i know how annoying this is, the whole self diagnosing thing…sorry. back to what i was saying, the winter of 2019 i complained about not having thoughts or having no inner monologue, and it’s happening to me again, and, sorry, i can’t really form clear sentences right now, sorry if this is hard to read.

it only happened to me for a night or so before, at least that night was the only time i could remember, but now it’s been happening for weeks, i think, i feel so far away from myself, my voice, my…own head. you might ask “how are you writing this with no thoughts” the thing is, i really dont have a better way to explain this, i know that the thought of not having any thoughts are also thoughts n their own but i feel like i’ve been blanking out for the past week…and i can’t remember. i hate how desperately im trying to prove that i’m ok, i just…i feel so weird, or i should feel weird, yet i can’t, i can’t, i can’t think, i can’t feel a thing, i don’t remember, my memories feel so far away, my fingers on the keyboard feels far away. my head is blank right now but i can force myself to have a inner monologue only when i’m writing something down, as if the pen is thinking for me, as if i’m thinking through the pen, the keyboard, the letters on the screen.

60 something days left. i have a plan, i had a plan for a while but i dont know…i don’t know, when’s a better time to do this? it’s probably better if i die in the numb stage, but what if i live and the method fucks my body up and i’ll have to live with a damaged brain for the rest of my life? i dont know!!!!i dont!!!! this should have ended a long time ago, i never thought i’d live to this age, this is enough, to close my eyes here, young and beautiful forever.i want to kill myself before my birthday, i don’t know, i don’t know what i wanted to write about, i can’t hear myself, only when i type and i read the letters on the screen i can hear something. i’m fucked up,i’m not, i don’t know, again, i don’t know, please just send me back into an episode, at least then i will be able to function again, i’ll be able to cry again, i feel like a fucking robot. i drew a story, an abstract story sorry this sounds so pretentious i don’t know how to express myself but i have to write it down. i drew a story about my mental state and i realized that i couldn’t share it anywhere…because it’s too personal, showing it to strangers is going to be like stripping myself naked, yet people won’t understand so i don’t know why i’m even saying that, but showing it to anyone will be as if i stripped myself naked, lied on the bed and let non surgeons to cut myself apart to see my intestines, will they be shy when they see the light of day? it won’t happen, i’m not picking that method anyways, i hope i don’t kill myself, but i’m running out of time, maybe i’m already out of time. thank god i can at least think through my fingertips, the screen and the keyboard, my words are all mixed up, my thoughts are swimming in chaos, i hope this ends soon.