Emotions

All my life I’ve been taught to suppress my emotions. Boys don’t cry. Men don’t cry. Suck it up. Be tough. How do I suppress the emotions of being molested by my sister? Am I supposed to suck it up and be tough and “do what your sister tells you” when she’s using a 5 year old boy for her twisted sadistic pleasure? Was I supposed to be tough? If that wasn’t bad enough, to be punished for it by my parents at the hand of religious fundamentalism. Emotions. Can we start with anger? My father. The tough one. The one that verbally, physically, and mentally abused me. Yelled at me for spilling milk. Yelled at me for getting grease on the seatbelt of his brand new econo box Pontiac. Yelled at me for bad grades in school while completely ignoring the bullies at the perrochial school I attended. Constant criticism no matter what I did. Yelled at me every time I acted out, starved for his attention, driving me to a place of seeking his approval for so long and never getting it I finally just stopped caring. I don’t give a wet fart in the wind about him anymore. He yelled at my mother nearly constantly. Not a spirited discussion between two adults. I mean beligerant name calling, throwing things at her and us, slamming doors, punching holes in the wall, and watching him hold my assailant sister against the wall while drawing his fist back for lights out. He was very controlling, condescending, and critical of everything and everyone except the people he liked and the ideas he gave them. Every dime my mom spent he knew about. She had a job contributing to the household’s finances yet she got 10$ a week spending money while he spent 10$ a day between morning coffee at Denny’s, vending machine snacks, and cigarettes. Yeah. I’d say I’ve got some anger. How does someone punish a 5 or 6 year old boy for following the instructions I was given by him? Knowing what prompted my sister to use me like that, why were we not immediately withdrawn from that school? He blames the administration of the school for not searching lockers. I blame him. Immediate withdraw with extreme prejudice or continue subjecting a 6 year old boy to the jeering and bullying of her fellow classmates who not only prompted the whole thing, but encouraged it while it was happening. Yeah, I’ve got anger issues.
How did dear old dad deal with this family issue? Police? No. Backyard justice? No. Following the advice of a far right wing fundamentalist? Right. At 6 years old I was confined to my room for 30 days. Meals were served in my room. No school. No weekend activities except for church. No friends. No toys. No books to read except the Bible. No video games. Absolutely nothing to occupy a 6 year old boy’s hands and mind except an archaic book with little relevance to me then or now.
There’s peace in apathy. I just don’t give a flying flip anymore.
Caring hurts. Apathy allows an existence barely ambivalent to everything and everyone.
He would spank me over the smallest infraction. Spilled milk. Spanking. Not up for church on time. Spanking. Expressing my opinion. Spanking. Not just a pop on the butt to make a point. I’m talking a belt or wooden paddle, not just once or twice but multiple occasions of more than 10 swats. One time I brought home some seriously bad grades, and a lot of them. I think there were 17-20 below average scores. I got two whippings for every F and one for every D. All the while ignoring what I’d told them about the nightmares I had about my sister assaulting me. That wasn’t important. It had already been dealt with. If shoving it under the rug so the family doesn’t see our dirty laundry flapping in the wind, then yes it was dealt with. If sending me to a so called counselor, who was really a crooked backhanded fundamentalist who later claimed that not only did I entice my sister to molest me for a year or more, but I enjoyed it and encouraged it! More psychological abuse. Yeah I got anger problems, and we’re just getting started.