The End is Nigh…..

I have yet to become comfortable with this “Mistake” I call my life. Most days I don’t even feel anything and have become so comfortably numb. Life has become a burden to me that brings me no Joy in any way. It’s not that the intensity of my inner grief has decreased in any way, I have just become accustomed to the pain and so I eventually gained the ability to mask it so well that I even fool myself sometimes.There are moments in time and days in this life of mine that have become unbearable and I can’t subdue my thoughts and emotions inside. I have lived a life so full of tragedy and it truly has become nothing more than the norm to me, it’s all I have come to expect from this World. I have accepted that this is my fate and I am fine with that. I don’t have any more room for mistakes at this point in life. My scorecard is filled with nothing but Losses in Life.

I know it’s only a matter of time before I lose what’s left of my sanity. I only blame myself for what I have become and I take full responsibility for every bit of pain that now has overtaken my identity in every way. I am my worst critic and my worst enemy, it’s sad that I lack the ability to forgive myself for all my mistakes. At this point in life there’s no more room for error, because I lack the energy and will to survive another loss in life. I don’t believe in better days anymore and no longer have the drive to find a cure for this sickness, I now call my life. I have been lost for so long that I am no longer searching for a way out. Still I can not truly accept the person I have become and don’t think I will find the validation I seek in this lifetime. I am just waiting for my life to end and it’s a reality that is more like a nightmare from which I can not awake. I feel like there’s nothing more for me to gain in this world, but more pain. I feel like I have a terminal disease and can do nothing but wait for the pain to end. I am just passing time and wasting away what’s left of my life and it’s so sad on the outside looking in, but yet all I can do is laugh. My life has become a bad joke and I”m just waiting for the punchline so the joke will end. After years of no change and disappointment I have lost the will and drive to find a “Miracle Antidote” for this sickness that has now come to define my Life. I’m truly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired..With every bit of passing time the pain inside me multiplies, I don’t know who said “Time heals all” But Fuck Them lol

We as humans have a basic instinct to survive and adapt. It’s a natural instinct like Flight or Fight that causes me turmoil because I feel like I’m battling myself, like I’m being pushed and pulled apart from the inside. I feel like the only way for me to find peace inside is to Die. The end of me and the end of my Life is the only option I have come to believe will remedy my pain. I can no longer live my life for anyone else, I no longer have anything in this world that I’m not ready and willing to leave behind. I have always made everyone else in my life a priority over me and now I no longer have anything left of me to help myself. I am already dead and gone in my mind and I have been for some time now. I have checked out and I’m just going through the motions and I find myself doing whatever I can to make it through another day.   

I compare myself to an outdated computer that can no longer update its system to run all these new programs of life. My Battery can no longer hold a charge and I can’t correctly operate without some kind of system error. It’s like the “Blue Screen of Death” that pops up whenever I do try to run and operate normally. Lots of error codes that I don”t have a solution for and so now I can’t even connect with anyone and therefore I have no network connections and I stand alone. I have become nothing more than a paper weight there’s no fixing me all you can do is throw me away.

I have become a lone wolf in life and wish sometimes I could go back to being a sheep again. There’s some things in life you just can’t unsee, there’s traumas in life that can’t be forgotten, there’s no turning back the hands of time, it’s my evolution and I am a product of my environment. I have become mutated by the World and its Worldly Ways into some kind of Entity that I can’t self identify as real me. I feel so alien and out of place that I think i’m a prisoner to this life and so I choose to lock myself in a cage and so I will remain locked away, just waiting to die or to be set free. I feel it’s better for me and everyone else this way..