Life can be so cruel for some people. I’ve just lost my gf of 3-years relationship, due to stage 4 breast cancer. I’ve accompanied her until she passed-away in just only 1 month last August, since she was diagnosed with the stage 4 cancer. The worst reality for me personally is that her death just coincided two days right after my birthday (26th August).
I’ve actually been diagnosed with severe depression; and not only that, but also most likely I’ve had severe anxiety, anhedonia, depersonalization, existential crisis/depression, etc etc, and even suicidal too. Added to all of these with a sense of failure & regrets at my current age now (38). Even if I’ve been somewhat privileged financially, but it’s still really hard to go through all of this everyday, when my mind is broken like this.
I’m not a religious person, although I was raised as a Christian. I am now more of an atheist, or at best just an agnostic. And not only that; I’m also a nihilist now, and even more I’m a pessimist (try to look up or google about pessimism philosophy).
So when my gf just passed-away barely two weeks, all I can feel is just even much more depressed, destroyed, crushed, broken, sad, angry, emotional, feeling empty, suicidal, and even losing all hope, energy, & motivation to go through everyday. I also feel deep regrets for not being caring & loving enough when she was still alive.
Since I’m an (reluctantly) atheist, unfortunately/sadly, I don’t have any luxury like most/majority of people who can easily just ‘move-on’ simply by just thinking that she (my gf) is now already in heaven, or “in a better place”, and all those religious/spirituality cliches.
I see this life, world, existence, & reality as terribly dark, cold, harsh, cruel, unfair, meaningless/pointless, and depressing place; even much more now after my gf is gone. I don’t know how I can go on anymore, honestly. I don’t even know what to do anymore now. All hope seems lost, and the cruel reality has destroyed & crushed me. If only suicide was easy, painless, then maybe it’s better than this life.
2 comments
This echoes my own experience and feelings so well. And unfortunately, even years after her death, I am still sinking. There will be moments of strength, for me it was getting involved in volunteer work, but eventually we end up at the same thought, the same conclusion. Without faith that everything magically works out, or has some divine purpose, or ends with a fantasy paradise, we are left with only the cold, dark reality that pain is all we have. The only “hope” that’s real is escape by death.
I so relate to the two of you. Not that I am in the same situation, fortunately, but I have reached a similar conclusion/adopted a similar view of life.
It seems to be filled with suffering, and not much respite. It feels very pointless to me. I really think easier access to voluntary euthanasia would be more humane than the society we have now.