niki

Literally in almost everything you do, no matter how good your intention or what you’re trying to do, in the end eventually sooner or later everything just keep failing & crumbling down to nothing. I don’t know why. It’s like I have bad lucks even in small little things. Everything doesn’t work out, even when I’ve already at least tried. Nothing matters.

I don’t even know anymore what to do, or even what to believe. I don’t know what I did wrong. I don’t even know anymore, if god does exist (or any ‘spiritual’ system like karma or “law of attraction” thing etc etc), what is […]

Have you ever feel like a wasted potential?

I know that we’re all here for different reasons or factors. But as a failed 40 years old musician from Indonesia, despite everybody telling me that I’m musically very talented (I compose/write songs/music too; used to have a band & perform quite a lot in many stages & events, although just small ones), but here I am now just being a nobody/nothing & basically to be honest a failure/loser who is just rotting away.

A lot of people have told me that I’m smart, a ‘deep’ person, unique, different, a kind/good person, empathic person, etc etc etc. But […]

Why God is unfair? is there actually such thing as an ‘evil god’? (I’m a Christian from Indonesia, or at least used to be a Christian. Now it’s hard to believe in Christianity anymore)

I’m from Indonesia. I’ve used to be a Christian too, but now maybe I’m already more of an atheist (or minimal at least an agnostic). But it’s even much worse than that. I’m now also a nihilist, and even become a pessimist (look up on Philosophical Pessimism, and IMHO its related ‘sub-philosophies’ similarly such as: Antinatalism, Efilism, Depressive Realism, Promortalism). And paradoxically perhaps, what now I’m even afraid the most is what […]

I’m from Indonesia. I’m a failed musician (I’m 40 years old now). It’s ironic & tragic (& ridiculous, really) that everybody said that I’m musically very talented, and even could make it big. But in the end, I’m just a nobody & a failure/loser. Now I’m heavily depressed, & even have suicidal ideation/thoughts everyday.

Most people probably don’t think about this. People keep living everyday, thinking that their lives mean something; that their lives have meaning or purpose. Most people are even too busy with each their own survival mode everyday, which in today’s world/era, it usually means people are busy making money, whether it’s work, or run a business, etc etc etc.

Most people in this world are oblivious or ignorant to this harsh reality, that we are all basically just little speck of dust on this planet, let alone universe. I always use the illustration of ants: Some ants live, some ants die (from getting trampled, crushed by […]

For example, there are probably a lot of suicidal people who never tell anyone, even including never post on the internet. They probably just stay silent, while struggling on their own (for many different reasons & factors we never really know for sure).

Some (or probably a lot) of suicidal people are probably just too tired to even say/do anything at all. Because they feel that it’s all pointless, meaningless, or hopeless.

It’s sad to think that perhaps all those numbers & statistics of “suicidal people” in the world therefore are probably HUGELY underrepresented, by any ‘mainstream’ media, articles, or even studies & researches by the so-called […]

Compared to movies, video games, novels, comics, anime/manga, fictions, fantasy, sci-fi (science fictions), music, basically human’s imaginations.

I used to be a nihilist (and even still somewhat do sometimes, when necessary or required to be). But as the time goes by, and I get much older now (I’m almost 40), and seeing the reality of our world, society, life, & existence, I’ve now turned into a pessimist (not just a simple pessimist, but more into philosophical pessimism, you can google & look it up if you want).

Nowadays lately, I’ve noticed that a lot of people mostly got into what’s called an “Optimistic Nihilism”. But I strongly disagree. And here is my main argument:

Unless if you’re lucky or fortunate, […]

In this life, some people will be winners, and some people will be losers. So how about the losers? There are also many people in this world who eventually committed suicide. So does this mean that some people are just not meant for this world?

A lot of people will just abandon you at your worst. Sadly true reality.

I don’t get the logic when people say life is hard, yet we are not allowed to complain, just grin our teeth, suck it up, etc. Worse is when people force themselves to always be positive, optimistic, & happy, at all costs. That’s a cognitive dissonance, that’s why it feels weird.

In life, it’s much more easier for everything to be destroyed (sickness, accidents, death, job losses, family losses, & even just one wrong decision can even destroy our lives, etc etc etc), whereas it often takes so much efforts, time, & even hardships to build something. So, it’s clear that sufferings outweigh pleasure.

And plus, just look at our world. Ever heard of the richest 1% control over 99% of world’s resources (& even people around the world)? How is this ever fair, or justifiable? If you think about it, that means most people will just only “living to […]

It really hurts that most people still ignore me as if i don’t exist anymore. It makes me even much more depressed now, spiraling downward to the lowest point. And to be very honest, it makes me also even more suicidal, it’s like my life & my existence doesn’t have any worth/value anymore, and that’s very depressing and it’s NOT easy at all.

Is all my mistakes really that bad, that most people now just can’t forgive me anymore? Even when i’ve already tried? I’ve tried to say hi first, I’ve tried to be warm & nice again, I’ve tried almost EVERYTHING, but WHY people are […]

this cold, cruel, unforgiving world & people makes me depressed & suicidal