It really hurts that most people still ignore me as if i don’t exist anymore. It makes me even much more depressed now, spiraling downward to the lowest point. And to be very honest, it makes me also even more suicidal, it’s like my life & my existence doesn’t have any worth/value anymore, and that’s very depressing and it’s NOT easy at all.
Is all my mistakes really that bad, that most people now just can’t forgive me anymore? Even when i’ve already tried? I’ve tried to say hi first, I’ve tried to be warm & nice again, I’ve tried almost EVERYTHING, but WHY people are still like this to me?
It’s a cold, cruel, & unforgiving world, human’s society, life, existence, & reality.
Honestly, I feel like an useless failure & complete total loser, maybe better to just die.
this cold, cruel, unforgiving world & people makes me depressed & suicidal
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I feel so alone that nobody cares even if I die
My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
Chronic PainFamily & Friends EffectsGeneralI Will SurviveMy Suicide NotePoetry & ArtRantsStories of HopeStories of LossSuicidal Survivors
People always tell me that I’m privileged, spoiled, and have a good life, that I should be grateful. But what if that is still not enough? What if I want so much more in life?
I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose & meaning of life, if I have to be just like everybody else with their simple mind (simpleton) with their optimistic/positive/positivity motto “Live, Laugh, Love”, but at the cost of sheer ignorance, being oblivious, & stupidity? That’s just depressing for me. Is that all there is? That’s it? I wish life could be so much more than this! I just can’t accept that this is all there is! That’s just a cold, boring, & depressing reality! I wish there are more in life than all of this stupid pointless, meaningless bullshit & nonsense everyday for the rest of my life until I die. “Life sucks and then you die”, if that’s the case, then why not just check out early? There are even many stories & cases of the so-called “privileged, spoiled, fortunate, lucky, rich, or even successful” people who died from suicide. So it’s not just “poor, unfortunate, low-class, struggling” people. It’s all random. Some people will live, while some people will die. That’s just how it is. That’s life. And that’s just the reality.
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“I don’t believe in luck! I create my own luck!”. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in life.
A friend of mine used to tweet a phrase that always sticks with me: “Some people are lucky, some people are not.” That was some years ago, and the more I live now, the more I see (& realized/learned) that it’s true. Most people seriously underestimate how luck plays a BIG/HUGE factor in their lives. Or in life, for all that matters. I don’t know and I’m not sure if it’s due to the meritocracy thing (“If you work hard, you WILL succeed/reach success!”), or if it’s due to the ‘positive/optimistic’ self-help culture/trend/hype that is literally almost everywhere nowadays, etc etc. But I think it’s very naive, simplistic, & ignorant if people seriously believe that they control ALL and EVERY aspect of their life/lives.
Even the posts here in this website that will get popular & many comments, and other posts that get almost no view/comment or even banned/deleted (even though when they’re really good posts, but sadly just very underrated or underappreciated), it also has the ‘luck’ factor in it. And as a result (or even the fatal consequences), no wonder some people in this website will feel even more alone, unloved, nobody cares, and some of them will probably even decide to be ‘gone forever’ by committing suicide.
But back to the main point again: if you really think much more deeper, you will see that it’s all random (yes, somewhat nihilistic). Some people will win, & some people will lose. Some people will survive & live, while some people will die. I always view our human species just like those little ants: There are billions of them on this planet, and some will get crushed & die, while some other will survive & live. That’s basically our human life too. In fact, it’s ALL lives in this universe. Some will live; Some will die.
Lastly, it’s the same thing with all of us here who are depressed & suicidal. You take a look at all your other friends, family, colleagues, or people, and how they somehow are happy, or even successful, and then you think: “Why I can’t be like that too?”, even though you’ve tried or even work really hard. And then even when you eventually see how some of us in this website can finally recover, cured, healed, & finally lead a normal, happy, & successful life too, it will make you think the same again: “Why I can’t be like them?”.
I don’t know if it’s god, karma, universe, destiny, fate, or just simply pure random chances. But to say that you don’t believe in luck, playing at least SOME aspects/parts in your life, that’s just naive, ignorant, & too simple-minded. People who said that probably haven’t truly ‘open their eyes & wake-up’ to reality.
Life can be so cruel for some people. I’ve just lost my gf of 3-years relationship, due to stage 4 breast cancer. I’ve accompanied her until she passed-away in just only 1 month last August, since she was diagnosed with the stage 4 cancer. The worst reality for me personally is that her death just coincided two days right after my birthday (26th August).
I’ve actually been diagnosed with severe depression; and not only that, but also most likely I’ve had severe anxiety, anhedonia, depersonalization, existential crisis/depression, etc etc, and even suicidal too. Added to all of these with a sense of failure & regrets at my current age now (38). Even if I’ve been somewhat privileged financially, but it’s still really hard to go through all of this everyday, when my mind is broken like this.
I’m not a religious person, although I was raised as a Christian. I am now more of an atheist, or at best just an agnostic. And not only that; I’m also a nihilist now, and even more I’m a pessimist (try to look up or google about pessimism philosophy).
So when my gf just passed-away barely two weeks, all I can feel is just even much more depressed, destroyed, crushed, broken, sad, angry, emotional, feeling empty, suicidal, and even losing all hope, energy, & motivation to go through everyday. I also feel deep regrets for not being caring & loving enough when she was still alive.
Since I’m an (reluctantly) atheist, unfortunately/sadly, I don’t have any luxury like most/majority of people who can easily just ‘move-on’ simply by just thinking that she (my gf) is now already in heaven, or “in a better place”, and all those religious/spirituality cliches.
I see this life, world, existence, & reality as terribly dark, cold, harsh, cruel, unfair, meaningless/pointless, and depressing place; even much more now after my gf is gone. I don’t know how I can go on anymore, honestly. I don’t even know what to do anymore now. All hope seems lost, and the cruel reality has destroyed & crushed me. If only suicide was easy, painless, then maybe it’s better than this life.
…. if humanity is hopeless, if we are fragile, fallible, & hopeless mostly, and if what’s left is only a cold, harsh, cruel, bleak, stupid, meaningless / pointless, & depressing reality / life / society / world / existence, then why keep living? For what purpose? What is the point?
I’ve considered myself a pessimist now, and I’m 38 years old. To be honest, it leads me to being severely depressed & suicidal; there is not a single day now where I don’t think of death, and even suicide personally. Everything (or most of the time) just seems depressing. There are honestly only very few/little things in this life/world that interests me now, and even they’re easily crushed soon by reality. It’s depressing. And constantly reading about pessimism philosophy even reinforces how depressing this existence really is. Although admittedly, my pessimistic outlook were perhaps mostly & originally also caused by what I’ve considered myself & my life to be a failure.
Will pessimism eventually lead some people to suicide? Because if I remember and not mistaken, there are even some pessimistic philosophers who committed suicide too in the end. I think suicide is probably the final conclusion, or the most extreme conclusion, regarding pessimism. It is the final actualization of pessimism; seeing how everything makes one pessimistic, as there is not any single light/ray of hope anymore; everything is/seems hopeless, futile, meaningless, pointless, & depressing. It is no wonder that, eventually, it might (understandably) lead to suicide.
…and that’s depressing (at least to me personally), when you then finally realized that basically everyday all we’re doing is just small, mundane, insignificant ordinary life. Nothing more. It all just seems so pointless & meaningless, like there is no point in the end, and in the grand scheme of everything (let alone in this vast universe). It’s what causing the existential depression in me, and it can get really bad to the point that I’m also feeling suicidal almost everyday, due to all the meaninglessness.
Humans are just capitalist robots/machines. fuck it ! biological sack of shits. Programmed just simply only to survive, and repeating boring shits routines everyday. Most humans are laughable in all their so-called “works, jobs, business, professional” yada yada fucking menial & tedious boring shits like that. What is all of this, seriously? Is that all there is to our supposedly meaning of life? Is that all there is to our so-called “purpose” ? Fuck it all ! We are going nowhere. And even if we do, our so-called “progress” is still laughable, when compared to our most creative & wildest imaginations & fantasy. And most humans are just clinging to their optimism bias, namely their survival instincts. Nothing more. Because god forbid us to kill ourselves, to choose to opt out, non-exist from all of this stupid shit show. It’s not even funny anymore. It’s fucking depressing and makes me suicidal.
Some people are lucky, some people are not. In this world, there are winners and losers. And the harsh reality is I am a loser, I am a failure. It doesn’t even matter how many people have told me that I’m very talented, smart, deep, wise, etc etc etc. The fact is in this society, I am nothing, I am just a nobody. Unemployed, confused, depressed, and suicidal 38 years old whose dreams, visions, ideas, and idealisms are all crushed, broken, and destroyed by the cruel reality. I just made mistakes after mistakes. I blew all the chances, opportunities, friendships, relationships, etc etc. And it doesn’t even matter if I think most people are shallow, superficial, simple-minded, as well as ignorant, naive, or selfish, hopeless, etc etc. The fact still remains that I am a loser and failure in this world, society, and reality. Maybe I don’t belong here in this world. I’m just a burden, another useless speck of dust among 8 billions humans on this tiny pale blue dot planet called earth in this vast universe. So why should I continue living? Why do I still live? Maybe I should just kill myself. I don’t belong here in this world.
Positive & optimistic people are often naive, ignorant, & simple-minded when they keep believing that anyone can be a winner in this society/life/world/existence. But if only they got their head out of their asses, and wake up & look at the reality just all around them everyday. Then people will see that there are poor & rich, sick & healthy, success & failures, sad & happy, blessed & depressed, the lucky/fortunate & the unlucky/unfortunate, and obviously there are winners & losers (or success .vs. failures).
Not everyone can be a winner. Not everyone can become number one, no matter how much even if people hope/wish/pray or even try. Welcome to the cruel, harsh reality/world/life/society/existence. It’s sad & depressing to see that especially today, there are so many people with optimism bias, that they will just do literally anything to deny this simple, basic truth/fact/reality.
And what if you’re down on your luck, got dealt a bad card in life, basically what if you are a loser/failure, or still struggling to survive everyday full of hardships, pain, and still not successful, still not winning, or not a winner? And not to mention also that life is not fair many & often times.
Isn’t this all depressing? Isn’t it scary? Shouldn’t this fact of life, this harsh truth/reality, makes you worried, anxious/full of anxiety, stressful, panic, and even depressed? Again, especially when you do know that you are now still on the loser/failure side, that everything just seems so hopeless?
If I may ask, is everyone here working (or still have to go to work, for survival/money) ? Or not? (honestly, I’m almost unemployed myself, due to my severe existential depression). If you do, then do you hate your job? Or quite fortunate/lucky to love your job? Yet perhaps still feel pessimistic about life? If you work, and hate your job, then seriously, how do you cope with this life daily/everyday? Let’s share, thanks
I hate how suicide is always viewed/judged by people & society as a cowardice, stupid, and “taking an easy way out”. It seems to me that human beings (well, most of them inhabiting this planet) are either lacking empathy, or naive, ignorant, simple-minded, and just plain stupid, especially in their “optimism/positivity” bias.
Suicide is rarely or perhaps even never viewed as the simple fact & harsh truth/reality, that no, Life is NOT a gift. For some people, this life/world/society/existence/reality is a curse, full of (endless, unfixable) pain & sufferings.
I have always dreamed of changing the world. I am an idealist. But now, as I get older, I’ve realized that it’s just pipe dream. In reality, I am just a nobody. I’m nothing. Just another ordinary human being among 7.8 billion humans on this tiny pale blue dot planet Earth, in this vast universe. I feel like everything I do is insignificant, so small, my life is meaningless, in the grandest scheme of everything. So why should I live? Why should I keep living, if it’s all meaningless, futile, and pointless? Why should I just “accept reality” ? And what if I hate reality? Isn’t it ironic and tragic, that life is all about reality .vs. imagination? And the reality/truth is often times so boring, limiting, unfair, stupid, pointless/meaningless, and depressing. Is this what our existence is all about? If that’s so, then why don’t we just die?
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