niki

Life can be so cruel for some people. I’ve just lost my gf of 3-years relationship, due to stage 4 breast cancer. I’ve accompanied her until she passed-away in just only 1 month last August, since she was diagnosed with the stage 4 cancer. The worst reality for me personally is that her death just coincided two days right after my birthday (26th August).

I’ve actually been diagnosed with severe depression; and not only that, but also most likely I’ve had severe anxiety, anhedonia, depersonalization, existential crisis/depression, etc etc, and even suicidal too. Added to all of these with a sense of failure & regrets at my current age now (38). Even if I’ve been somewhat privileged financially, but it’s still really hard to go through all of this everyday, when my mind is broken like this.

I’m not a religious person, although I was raised as a Christian. I am now more of an atheist, or at best just an agnostic. And not only that; I’m also a nihilist now, and even more I’m a pessimist (try to look up or google about pessimism philosophy).

So when my gf just passed-away barely two weeks, all I can feel is just even much more depressed, destroyed, crushed, broken, sad, angry, emotional, feeling empty, suicidal, and even losing all hope, energy, & motivation to go through everyday. I also feel deep regrets for not being caring & loving enough when she was still alive.

Since I’m an (reluctantly) atheist, unfortunately/sadly, I don’t have any luxury like most/majority of people who can easily just ‘move-on’ simply by just thinking that she (my gf) is now already in heaven, or “in a better place”, and all those religious/spirituality cliches.

I see this life, world, existence, & reality as terribly dark, cold, harsh, cruel, unfair, meaningless/pointless, and depressing place; even much more now after my gf is gone. I don’t know how I can go on anymore, honestly. I don’t even know what to do anymore now. All hope seems lost, and the cruel reality has destroyed & crushed me. If only suicide was easy, painless, then maybe it’s better than this life.

…. if humanity is hopeless, if we are fragile, fallible, & hopeless mostly, and if what’s left is only a cold, harsh, cruel, bleak, stupid, meaningless / pointless, & depressing reality / life / society / world / existence, then why keep living? For what purpose? What is the point?

I’ve considered myself a pessimist now, and I’m 38 years old. To be honest, it leads me to being severely depressed & suicidal; there is not a single day now where I don’t think of death, and even suicide personally. Everything (or most of the time) just seems depressing. There are honestly only very few/little things in this life/world that interests me now, and even they’re easily crushed soon by reality. It’s depressing. And constantly reading about pessimism philosophy even reinforces how depressing this existence really is. Although admittedly, my pessimistic outlook were perhaps mostly & originally also caused by what I’ve considered myself & my life to be a failure.

Will pessimism eventually lead some people to suicide? Because if I remember and not mistaken, there are even some pessimistic philosophers who committed suicide too in the end. I think suicide is probably the final conclusion, or the most extreme conclusion, regarding pessimism. It is the final actualization of pessimism; seeing how everything makes one pessimistic, as there is not any single light/ray of hope anymore; everything is/seems hopeless, futile, meaningless, pointless, & depressing. It is no wonder that, eventually, it might (understandably) lead to suicide.

…and that’s depressing (at least to me personally), when you then finally realized that basically everyday all we’re doing is just small, mundane, insignificant ordinary life. Nothing more. It all just seems so pointless & meaningless, like there is no point in the end, and in the grand scheme of everything (let alone in this vast universe). It’s what causing the existential depression in me, and it can get really bad to the point that I’m also feeling suicidal almost everyday, due to all the meaninglessness.

Humans are just capitalist robots/machines. fuck it ! biological sack of shits. Programmed just simply only to survive, and repeating boring shits routines everyday. Most humans are laughable in all their so-called “works, jobs, business, professional” yada yada fucking menial & tedious boring shits like that. What is all of this, seriously? Is that all there is to our supposedly meaning of life? Is that all there is to our so-called “purpose” ? Fuck it all ! We are going nowhere. And even if we do, our so-called “progress” is still laughable, when compared to our most creative & wildest imaginations & fantasy. And most humans are just clinging to their optimism bias, namely their survival instincts. Nothing more. Because god forbid us to kill ourselves, to choose to opt out, non-exist from all of this stupid shit show. It’s not even funny anymore. It’s fucking depressing and makes me suicidal.

Some people are lucky, some people are not. In this world, there are winners and losers. And the harsh reality is I am a loser, I am a failure. It doesn’t even matter how many people have told me that I’m very talented, smart, deep, wise, etc etc etc. The fact is in this society, I am nothing, I am just a nobody. Unemployed, confused, depressed, and suicidal 38 years old whose dreams, visions, ideas, and idealisms are all crushed, broken, and destroyed by the cruel reality. I just made mistakes after mistakes. I blew all the chances, opportunities, friendships, relationships, etc etc. And it doesn’t even matter if I think most people are shallow, superficial, simple-minded, as well as ignorant, naive, or selfish, hopeless, etc etc. The fact still remains that I am a loser and failure in this world, society, and reality. Maybe I don’t belong here in this world. I’m just a burden, another useless speck of dust among 8 billions humans on this tiny pale blue dot planet called earth in this vast universe. So why should I continue living? Why do I still live? Maybe I should just kill myself. I don’t belong here in this world.

Positive & optimistic people are often naive, ignorant, & simple-minded when they keep believing that anyone can be a winner in this society/life/world/existence. But if only they got their head out of their asses, and wake up & look at the reality just all around them everyday. Then people will see that there are poor & rich, sick & healthy, success & failures, sad & happy, blessed & depressed, the lucky/fortunate & the unlucky/unfortunate, and obviously there are winners & losers (or success .vs. failures).

Not everyone can be a winner. Not everyone can become number one, no matter how much even if people hope/wish/pray or even try. Welcome to the cruel, harsh reality/world/life/society/existence. It’s sad & depressing to see that especially today, there are so many people with optimism bias, that they will just do literally anything to deny this simple, basic truth/fact/reality.

And what if you’re down on your luck, got dealt a bad card in life, basically what if you are a loser/failure, or still struggling to survive everyday full of hardships, pain, and still not successful, still not winning, or not a winner? And not to mention also that life is not fair many & often times.

Isn’t this all depressing? Isn’t it scary? Shouldn’t this fact of life, this harsh truth/reality, makes you worried, anxious/full of anxiety, stressful, panic, and even depressed? Again, especially when you do know that you are now still on the loser/failure side, that everything just seems so hopeless?

If I may ask, is everyone here working (or still have to go to work, for survival/money) ? Or not? (honestly, I’m almost unemployed myself, due to my severe existential depression). If you do, then do you hate your job? Or quite fortunate/lucky to love your job? Yet perhaps still feel pessimistic about life? If you work, and hate your job, then seriously, how do you cope with this life daily/everyday? Let’s share, thanks

I hate how suicide is always viewed/judged by people & society as a cowardice, stupid, and “taking an easy way out”. It seems to me that human beings (well, most of them inhabiting this planet) are either lacking empathy, or naive, ignorant, simple-minded, and just plain stupid, especially in their “optimism/positivity” bias.

Suicide is rarely or perhaps even never viewed as the simple fact & harsh truth/reality, that no, Life is NOT a gift. For some people, this life/world/society/existence/reality is a curse, full of (endless, unfixable) pain & sufferings.

I have always dreamed of changing the world. I am an idealist. But now, as I get older, I’ve realized that it’s just pipe dream. In reality, I am just a nobody. I’m nothing. Just another ordinary human being among 7.8 billion humans on this tiny pale blue dot planet Earth, in this vast universe. I feel like everything I do is insignificant, so small, my life is meaningless, in the grandest scheme of everything. So why should I live? Why should I keep living, if it’s all meaningless, futile, and pointless? Why should I just “accept reality” ? And what if I hate reality? Isn’t it ironic and tragic, that life is all about reality .vs. imagination? And the reality/truth is often times so boring, limiting, unfair, stupid, pointless/meaningless, and depressing. Is this what our existence is all about? If that’s so, then why don’t we just die?

There are many lost brilliant ideas & visions, because of various limiting factors in life/society/existence, even including seemingly random factor such as “luck/fortunate”

I don’t think people deeply realize about this reality,
& how depressing it is for those who have failed

Long story short, my life is a complete failure. It’s full of wrong decisions, (in)actions, regrets, mistakes after mistakes, that I honestly think maybe it’s already too late to “fix everything” (eg: I’m losing all the good chances/opportunities, as I’m getting old now). It’s really ironic & tragic, because a lot of people always say that I’m very talented especially in music (I used to be quite an active musician & composer/songwriter, but sadly I’m still not famous & successful), smart, a deep thinker, a highly sensitive person, etc etc.

I am also an idealist, meaning that I actually have a BIG vision & idea for the future of civilization/mankind/humanity, to make a real progress & “leap jump” in the future. For example, I seriously think that the real, truest “meaning of life” is to make a HUGE progress, a sort of evolution, for the future. And for our Human species, in my opinion, the real purpose is to unlock our wildest potential: our human’s Imagination. And I’m talking about all those most creative, artistic, & imaginative human’s minds for example like in all those most imaginative, fantasy, sci-fi movies, games, novels, comics, anime/manga, and any other most amazing work of arts. So in my opinion, our humanity/mankind/civilization’s most important & biggest task is to turn all those imaginations into a reality. And that’s why I’m now a big/huge proponent & supporter, as well as very interested in technology such as: Virtual Reality (VR), Augmented Reality (AR), and also Artificial Intelligence (AI), and also some thinking & concepts such as Transhumanism. But then again, sadly, the problem is I don’t know how to reach all those dreams & ideas of mine. And that is really depressing.

I’m a Chinese-Indonesian, living in Jakarta (Indonesia). And the biggest problem is the culture/society here, also the mindset of the people here. They’re all still mostly very conservative, traditional, & outdated mindset/perspective about life. Especially with my Asian/Chinese-Indonesian parents for example, they still only think that the only “meaning of life” or “purpose” is simply just to survive, find a good job (or business), and make money, & then get married, have kids/children, etc etc. But for me, this can’t be all there is to life; Life should be so much more than that! But then, another biggest problem that I do realize and finally admit now is that, sadly, perhaps it’s all due to the many flaws in my personalities too: I listen too much to what other people/person say, I care too much (deeply), I’m easily down & depressed, & I also lack the ‘drive’/energy/motivation (and this is why perhaps I appear to be just “lazy” in the eyes of most people, including in my parents’ eyes), especially this year, when my Existential Depression just getting so much worse to the point of even being suicidal (having suicidal thoughts/fantasy/ideations almost everyday).

I’m 38 years old this year, and here I am now, in reality, I’m still living with my parents, almost can be viewed as jobless/unemployed, or even a hikikomori (a shut-in recluse only staying at my room most of the time). The situation is now even getting much worse, with my family/parents’ problems, stress, plus now my little brother is also a depressed shut-in just like me, so my Chinese father especially, who is almost 70 years old now, is really disappointed, stressed, & perhaps even having a (severe) depression, because in his eyes, his sons are still a complete failure, and a total loser, because we are still not financially independent, still living in their houses & dependent on them for food, bills, etc etc. I’m also basically jobless/unemployed, and not interested at all to run his (my father’s) businesses, which are also currently going through perhaps the most difficult time of all times (financially, I don’t know & really afraid that perhaps even my parents’ money will run out soon or later), especially due to this COVID-19/corona pandemic situation.

I also don’t know what to do. I’m lost, confused, depressed, suicidal, & feel like an alien. I can’t relate to most people/Human beings. I’m too “way out”, lost in my own thoughts, idealisms, visions, & all these “big/huge ideas” that I basically just don’t know anymore HOW/WHAT to do? Reality is depressing, very depressing, boring, limiting, & to be honest, this whole existence is just stupid, pointless, & meaningless for me now. My existential depression/crisis is getting much worse now, probably even the worst now, like I’ve said above, everyday now I’m even having suicidal ideations/fantasy/thoughts, and for me now, I’m seriously thinking that perhaps to die (death) is better than to live (just only to survive/for survival everyday).

People always tell me that I’m a musical prodigy, that I’m very talented in music. People also often say that I’m smart. I have always been that weird, strange, socially-awkward nerd/geek, even though people also say that I’m a natural good-looking guy, that I have a baby-face for a person at my age. I’m 37 years old now. I’m from Indonesia, btw, I’m a Chinese-Indonesian.I have always been interested in the ‘bigger-picture’, things like philosophy, asking stuff like what is the meaning of life? also why does everything exist? Who are we in this vast, limitless universe? Are we just a tiny little speck of dust? Are we alone in this universe? etc etc While most people are always tied down to their mundane, boring survival mode everyday with their works, jobs, careers, business, etc etc, my mind have always going faraway from the everyday’s reality.I think human’s consciousness is a tragedy, especially our human’s imaginations.It’s really depressing to realize that reality will never be able to match our imaginations and wildest fantasy. And I’m not talking about the typical, mundane, boring imaginations/dreams/fantasy that are still grounded in our everyday’s real-world/real-life/reality. I’m talking about the most creative, imaginative works of art like for example in novels, games, books, comic books, movies, anime/manga, etc etc.I have always think that the real future of humanity/mankind is when finally we will able to perfectly match our reality into our imagination. That’s why I’m quite crazy & obsessed with concepts and technology like Virtual Reality (VR), Artificial Intelligence (AI), & also Transhumanism concept. I have always wish that I could take a part in all those big, huge projects in order to really advance humanity/mankind, not in the typical, usual mundane ways that we all often read & hear in the news, but I’m talking like taking a big, huge leap/jump to make a real progress.But sadly, in reality, I’m still living with my parents, almost jobless/unemployed, still single, and I’m also really bad at the everyday’s “practical” matters & daily tasks, errands, & social interactions with most people. I’m a total loser & useless failure. My parents always worry about me so much (you know the typical usual Asian Chinese parents), but I’ve been depressed (severely?) & even also suicidal nowadays, because I’m thinking what’s the point?

Seriously, what’s the point of living, if I fail all my dreams (& potentials)? If I still can’t find any way to reach my dreams and big visions? If all I have to do, the only thing I have to do in this life, is just to “be realistic”, “accept reality” as it is, and just simply say “well that’s life, that’s just the way it is”, just like everyone else? In fact, I often feel like an alien not from this world, because my mind is so different from all other people/humans that I see everyday around me. I know that I have automatically lose to these ‘normal’ people, that I can never be ‘normal’, yet unfortunately, it is as if I am always still being forced & pressured to “be normal” by my parents, friends, society, & people around me.

How can I not be depressed, feel hopeless, empty, feeling that everything is meaningless/pointless, & suicidal?