lonely

i dont remember a time when i was happy for an extended period of time. i wake up everyday sad. even when i’m doing something fun or im laughing i have a feeling of sadness and loneliness always sitting there in the back of my mind. and some nights are better than others. this is one of the bad nights. i feel so alone. my family does not believe in mental health claiming that im “too sensitive”. i dont have any real friends who would actually want to be with me during the bad times. they just tell me “it will get better” and move on.

i hate the phrase “it will get better”. 8 years since i first started to feel depressed and it hasnt gotten better. if anything it got worse.

i used to want to die more than anything. i dont feel like i want to die anymore. i dont want to exist. i feel like wanting to die and wanting to not exist are different feelings. i want to walk away from my life right now. i want to have nothing to do with anyone ive known. i want to forget all the trauma and pain this life has caused. i want to know what it feels like to wake up and not feel sad.