I feel like the biggest waste of space. I feel like I am unwanted. I just want to be accepted. I just want to have friends that always want to hang out. I want to be the one in the picture, not the one taking the photo. I don’t want to be the fifth member, or the other one. I wish I was different. I wish I was happy.
My “friend” threw a party tonight. I wasn’t invited. Now, I’m the one who is always there when she needs me, helps her out when she forgets her hw. And now, I’m alone tonight because no one fucking cares about me. I’m always the one who gets left out, and honestly I’m so done. Fuck this life.
I try so hard to be good at everything I do. When I succeed I get praised, when I fail I get told “I’m not trying”. Those words sting more than anything else that has been said to me. When I’m not trying, I wouldn’t be upset about messing up. When I’m not trying, I wouldn’t care about how I did. If I’m not trying then why do YOU care about how well I do. You don’t know how I feel, or how you hurt me everyday. How your words cut like a knife that was just sharpened. I hate myself because of you. I act like a ***** to everyone else because of you. I tried to better my life by getting negative people out, which helped. But what really sucks is that i’m stuck with you because you are my father. But honestly, I feel like a burden rather than a child. If I say anything about how I wanna kill myself, you’ll say i’m being dramatic or oversensitive like those snowflake liberals. I hate how you discriminate people, I hate how you think mental illness was some democratic ploy for bigger government. I hate how you also think you’re right, and how I’m always wrong. That everything I say, you never believed. How my arguments are not as good as yours. Sorry, you’re 54 and I’m 16. What the fuck do you expect? I’m done. I’m out. I don’t wanna be apart of this anymore.
i’m sorry i’m not what you want me to be. Despite what you say, I try hard at everything I do, I don’t half-ass things. I wish you knew how much your words hurts. I wish you wouldn’t make fun of kids who have mental health issues, and I wish you believed that mental health is a serious issue. I want to kill myself, yet I can’t tell you that because you won’t believe me. You constantly tell me how much I’m disappointing you, or how I stress you out, or how much money my extracurriculars cost. So, I wanna make your life easier by disappearing. Because then maybe you’ll see how much you can hurt someone without physically harming them. I’m sorry that you can’t see how much you hurt me everyday.
i feel hopeless. For a few minutes in my life, I feel like I’m on top of the world. I’m happy and nothing can stop me. But then, someone bad happens and everything falls apart. Things that were making me happy yesterday, weren’t making me happy today. I fight to find happiness and once I find in, I lose it.
you made me happy. I was dumb for letting you go. I was dumb for not making time for you. I was dumb to set my feelings aside because I was scared of what we could be. When I finally wasn’t scared, and i told you everything I felt, I found you moved on. With another girl. It’s been a month, I should be over you. I’m not. I’m nowhere near over you. Why can’t I let you go? Why did I let you go?
something inside me is gone. there’s this void and I can’t understand why. I’ve wanted to die. I’ve cut myself. I’ve done everything but actually kill myself…most days thats all I think about. I wish I could relive my life. I wish I lived a different life. I feel absolutely hopeless. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Most things make me stressed. I feel so alone, yet I have the bestest friends I’ve ever had right now.
“Lonely again, how’d I get so lonely again?”~gnash
i feel sad. i don’t know why. i feel down. i want to die, but i’m scared of death. I’m scared of succeeding in suicide, but i’m also afraid of failing. I fear the only way to get help is to attempt suicide. i want someone to help me, but i’m too scared to get help. I’m afraid that my parents will think i’m being dramatic. they don’t believe in mental illness. i just want to end it all. i don’t know what to do. i need help.
i never do anything right. my parents tell me i’m useless, narcissistic, and have an attitude issues. But the thing is, i am not a narcissus. they dont see how much i care about others. how i’m always there for my friends when they need me. how i always come over and help my friends. and i help them because they believe in me. they support me. they are there for me and always make me feel happy. my parents don’t. they are never there for me. when my dad doesn’t get his way he makes everyone else miserable. when my mom doesn’t get her way she’s annoyed. my parents yell at me for every little mistake. and i can’t take it. i wish i could move out or grow up quicker. i wish that my parents were different. i wish i could feel like i have a home. i wish i had a family who supports me and not put me down.
I used to enjoy softball. It was hard work, sometimes it was draining, but I actually like. I don’t think I do anymore. Everyone expects something from me. My parents and tournament softball coach think that I can play college and expect so much more than I’m capable of. My high school coach thinks I can’t do anything and doesn’t give me a chance. He expects nothing from me. I can’t deal with all of this. I wish I could go back and start over. I wish I was more athletic. I wish I was more confident in myself. I wish people could see the real me. I wish I didn’t have to feel numb and empty anymore. I can’t feel. I should be stressed out of my mind this week, but I’m not. Because I’m done with this whole thing of living. I keep of telling myself I want to die and commit suicide, but I’m too scared to die. I’m too scared to get help. I’m too scared…
i’m empty inside. I don’t care what happens to anyone around me. I don’t have the will to live. I hate everyone around me. I don’t know who I am. I don’t want to live but I’m too scared to die. I want all the pain to stop.
I never wear regular or low rise jeans. Not because I’m insecure about my body. Not because I’m “in love” with the high-waisted jeans. It’s because I cut myself on my hip. Lines and lines of tiny cut marks all over. I cut my hip and watch the blood flow and relish the pain. It’s the only thing that stops the pain inside my head.
People may view me as outgoing, kind, obnoxious, bitchy, annoying, funny, weird, loud, extrovert, smart or stupid. That how I am in public. In reality i’m lonely, broken, hurt, scared, shy and quiet. No one knows how I truly feel. I don’t trust anyone because I’m always betrayed. I am broken and won’t ask for help.
Happy endings don’t come to everyone. Some people aren’t meant for happy endings. I’m one of those people. My happiness always seems to come at a price. When something good happens to me, something bad quickly follows. I can’t remember a time where I was happy for longer than a week. It’s like a cursed. I’m cursed.
I feel done. It’s this feeling of emptiness and loneliness. I don’t have any motivation to do anything. I’m so much more tired to do things. I just want to sleep all day. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just do. I can’t talk to anyone about it because my friends won’t understand and my parents will just say that I’m being dramatic.
on the outside I look
But on the inside I’m
So I just got a 90 on a quiz. My parents were mad because I didn’t get a 100. My parents starting yelling at me “HOW DUMB ARE YOU??”. I don’t think I’m dumb. I hate them. I have no self-esteem because of them.
Sometimes I do things without thinking. I hate myself for doing it.
Sometimes I say things without thinking. I hate myself for saying it.
I let myself fall for you. I hate myself for letting me fall.
I knew I wasn’t ready. I knew it. I hate myself for having emotions.
I hate that I love you.
I hate that I still love you.
Even after you hurt me.
I still love you.
Even after all you put me though.
I still love you.
One time I fell in love. I hate myself for falling.
Why can’t someone see, that I’m hurting?
Why can’t I just break?
Why aren’t I breaking?
Why is it when people yell horrible things at me, I stay silent?
Why can’t I fight back?
Why can’t I end it?
Why do I feel this way?
I hate my life. My dad tells me everyday that I’m useless and worthless. I am a disgrace to my own name. I am not good enough. Everything I do is never right. I don’t have any friends anymore because I’ve been grounded for the past 3 years. The only thing that used to make me happy has become a chore. I never do anything right. My mom is never around because she’s always working. I don’t want this life anymore. I don’t know what to do. I hate my life, my school, my family. I wish they were dead. I wish I was dead.