I feel like I’m barely a part of life, thanks to a little known and poorly understood DISEASE known as situational mutism. It’s so poorly understood, that people with this burden are having to refer to it as ‘situational mutism’ as the actual name implies it’s optional.
Just like most of us hear from others, ignorant people who refuse to believe we aren’t quiet or shy. In my case, throughout my late teens and early adulthood (from 18) I’ve been infantilised. Kick me if that’s the wrong spelling. In a condescending way I would have people speak to me in soft voices, as if speaking any louder would break me. And the biggest form of psychological torture is others walking eggshells around you, even when you’re an easily approachable person.
But with this curse named Situational Mutism, aka. involuntarily mutism, I’m unable to verbalise how uncomfortable their odd behaviours make me feel. Because I’m unable to talk in certain environments that trigger this deep-seated defense mechanism I never asked for, I try to convey my openness in other ways, by using fair facial expressions and wearing clothes that hint at my personality.
This does FUCK ALL to help the wrong perceptions people have over me, and the amount of times I’ve heard people say to me in response to this, “aren’t you also assuming stuff about their character?”
We learn so much in life by being observant, looking for patterns, looking at body language etc.
Imagine looking at life and not truthfully being able to interact with it, in the minds of others I’m just this timid, mentally ill, humourless creature with big peeping eyes and not worth anyone’s time. Nope, don’t try to trick me into having hope. In my 21 years of life and having wasted years in school, not once did people see me for me. I spent 2 years in college not so long ago without a single friend.
Want to hear the worst of my shame? Thanks to having no voice, I’m still stuck in that one place I should’ve left years ago. My only understanding of sex and relationships are from fanfics and porn. Because I haven’t been able to experience either of those, if you started telling me about your love life or whatever, I can’t realistically picture it. I can’t even tell you what a relationship is like or how the dynamics work.
And as I grow older it becomes more embarrassing to have no experience, and I’m frustrated and love-starved. And I’m INCREDIBLY PISSED OFF that I’m an extrovert that is forced to be an introvert, because of this fucking mutism. No social life for me, no hanging out at the pub, no memories of having friends to hang out with in my teenage years. No. I was just an agoraphobic, housebound mess who wished people weren’t so cruel.
Anyway. Be appreciative that you’re not in my boat, it’s Hellish to be observed under a false sense. My quietness is assumed to be my one defining traits, I don’t have any chances to make a first impression. Fuck my existence.