I royally messed up last night. I haven’t had friends in awhile so I can mess things up so easily. I was so stressed cause if finals week my brain wasn’t working and I couldn’t stop going on and on to my house being totally unkept and ridiculous and made my roommate seem like she has all these secrets and she doesn’t even know what’s going on in her life and she was upset but the kind upset and I talked to her about it and apologized and she also guessed who I had a crush on and it felt so patronizing cause she has this fun life and all I can do is pine cause I’m a messed up lesbian and I want to die and this kind of conflict and confrontation happening is why I don’t want to have friends in the first place and I tried to cut myself but it kept not working cause my stomach is fat and the knife was dull and I got a few measly ones in but it wasn’t enough and this was the first time I had actually tried to cut myself with a knife and I just wanted release from the anxiety and self hate so much and I couldn’t breathe and everything sucks and it was going so well before but I really don’t think it was and I was just lying to myself and now I have to spend a week with her over break and I just want to take some pills and be rid of this anxiety and it’s so fucking hard and I thought I was ok but no way in hell am I ok I’m mentally unstable again or always was there’s no way out of this and I haven’t started any of my finals and I don’t even know why I’m in school cause it’s not like I’ll ever be able to live a normal life with a normal job and I should be dead by now why am I still here and such I fuck up I don’t understand why can’t I just have a normal life I hate myself I can’t breath I want it to stop please stop