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i hate the guilt

by corvidaecorpse

everyone was gone today. they told me yesterday that they were going out. i made a plan then and there.

i was stupid. it was so dumb, the reason i failed.

i couldn’t make it out of the fucking house. between all the blood loss and not being able to afford to refill my prescriptions and not having the will to eat for the last couple of days, I could barely even physically make it to the door, scrabbling along the floor. i passed out and vommed from the attempt.

i couldn’t do it in the house, i can’t leave behind that sort of mess for them. i couldn’t even leave behind the vom- i took off my shirt and used it to wipe it up.

i hate forcing the burden of my prescence on them anyways- their kid’s good-for-nothing partner, college dropout who eats their food and uses their water and hasn’t even payed fucking rent since the pandemic started. i hate taking advantage of their charity and good nature. i am overwhelmed with guilt every time i take up their space or their resources- gluttonous me eating their food, wasteful me keeping the lamp on in our room all night bc im a grown fucking adult who’s afraid of what i’ll see in the dark,  annoying me getting stuck on an echolalia loop or accidentally infodumping in front of them. i feel terrible enough just walking past them, forcing them to have to deal with my disgusting presence until i’ve finished crossing the common room.

if i do it now, before i can figure out how to somehow pay them back for the money i owe and for the burden i’ve made myself, the very fucking least i can do is not leave a stinking mess for them to come home to and have to deal with. i refuse to inconvenience them like that.

and that’s the reason i fucking failed today.

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mountaingoat 1/25/2021 - 10:33 am

Good post.

It’s not your fault you’re all poor and unemployed. This miserly system of society guarantees people will be left out.

There’s no scientific reason that everybody who wants to work can’t have a job. So dont feel bad personally for it.

mountaingoat 1/25/2021 - 3:42 pm

I realize that could be taken the wrong way. By scientific, I mean there is enough capital and technology that there could be a decent paying job for every person who wants to work. The reason for unemployment and nearly all other social deprivations is political. It’s a choice by the ruling class who control the nation’s capital and politicians.

I wasn’t saying Covid is fake.

In a rich developed country like the United States, where I assume you’re from, there should be social spending to deal with the fallout from the pandemic, as there is in every other developed country. Canada sent $2000 a month to all workers, for example, plus medical insurance always covers the whole country because it is paid for publicly.

The USA is a badly disorganized and corrupt country that has social problems not seen in any other of it’s peer countries.

I’d guess you’re more a victim of society than a bad person.

Perhaps you’ll find the inspiration to join the movement for a just society.

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