everyone was gone today. they told me yesterday that they were going out. i made a plan then and there.
i was stupid. it was so dumb, the reason i failed.
i couldn’t make it out of the fucking house. between all the blood loss and not being able to afford to refill my prescriptions and not having the will to eat for the last couple of days, I could barely even physically make it to the door, scrabbling along the floor. i passed out and vommed from the attempt.
i couldn’t do it in the house, i can’t leave behind that sort of mess for them. i couldn’t even leave behind the vom- i took off my shirt and used it to wipe it up.
i hate forcing the burden of my prescence on them anyways- their kid’s good-for-nothing partner, college dropout who eats their food and uses their water and hasn’t even payed fucking rent since the pandemic started. i hate taking advantage of their charity and good nature. i am overwhelmed with guilt every time i take up their space or their resources- gluttonous me eating their food, wasteful me keeping the lamp on in our room all night bc im a grown fucking adult who’s afraid of what i’ll see in the dark, annoying me getting stuck on an echolalia loop or accidentally infodumping in front of them. i feel terrible enough just walking past them, forcing them to have to deal with my disgusting presence until i’ve finished crossing the common room.
if i do it now, before i can figure out how to somehow pay them back for the money i owe and for the burden i’ve made myself, the very fucking least i can do is not leave a stinking mess for them to come home to and have to deal with. i refuse to inconvenience them like that.
and that’s the reason i fucking failed today.