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I loathe myself completely

by Almostdeadguy123

I am starting to hate everything else that isn’t me, I already hated myself from way back then but now I’m starting to get annoyed at everything. I’ll tell my story here just cuz I wanna leave something behind at the very least. My biological parents were separated before I was born and I spent the first 5 or so years of my life with my dads family, dad wasn’t around much and I don’t know why. But at least I slept with my dad when I was 3 years old and below (in the wholesome way, not holesome way.) But after that he just got tired of me and my uncle was basically the one to take care of me after that, we were a big family but lived in one house. And yadda yadda yadda after two years I was separated from my dads family to move with my moms family for two years, my mom worked abroad so it was just me as a 4-6 yr old child there, and it was in this instance did I ever experience my first ever “major event”. Well, long story short, I was tricked into having sex with my younger cousin (girl) by the same girl cousin and her older brother. And this was all new to me so I just went along with what the older one said, because people always said to respect your elders, and while I was doing the deed with her, my older guy cousin put it in my y’know what. By the way, I am a straight male. This happened for some time until my mom took me to the country she worked in. When I got there I was greeted by her boyfriend (ex-boyfriend now) as well as her. I got treated well for my first or so months then after that my mom started to beat me for a bit, and my angelic step-dad decided to do the same, except on a heavier scale and without telling my mother, he also told me that if I told my mom that he beats me whenever I am alone with him that he would kill me, but at the very least he didn’t sexually harass me or rape me right? Well, they broke up after 5 or 6 years after I first arrived there, so by the time I was 12 they broke up. I felt relieved, but a bit sad. My mom took care of me well and raised me the best she could, so I thank her for that. And after I turned 13 or 14 she just couldn’t keep sending me to the school there as they are on the more expensive side, so I was forced to go back to my home country and study there. By this time my mom saved enough money to buy a house and decided to buy our own house because she didn’t like the fact that mosquitoes kept biting me in the family house. After that I was hopeful for a new start, a new beginning so to speak. Well. So I got bullied on my first year here. Did everything bullies do, like y’know, the basics, forcing me to show my privates and the likes as well as “teaching me manners”. Anyways, they stopped the bullying after some time (mainly due to our classes being different). And the next two years seemed like a dream! It felt like everything was going up! I got great friends and a great girlfriend! Then in my third year here, I changed schools but we promised to stay in contact, well, corona hit, I did well in my first months, but now it feels like a downward spiral, just like back then. Am I just destined to die? If so, then I will at least die without hating my mom and my girlfriend as well as the very few people that care about me, thank you for reading, have a nice life, and hopefully it might be a better life than mine. I am 17 at the time of writing this, planning to end it all very soon, have a good one.

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2 comments

Mf 2/18/2021 - 9:41 pm

Nah you’re not bound to die. You’ve survived quite a lot considering your age, and even if this whole corona thing makes it seem like life will never get back to “normal” (whatever that is)… well… it will go back to normal. When that happens it’s gonna be sort of a new beginning for a lot of folks i suspect, so you might want to stick around to give it a chance, specially considering you’re at an age when… yeah, you can turn things around. “Heading off” should always be a last resort thing, no going back from that one… and even if you went that route you could end up lots worse than now (plenty of people here would confirm that).

Azzam 2/23/2021 - 9:59 am

I’m not here to say some cheesy stuff like “do your best!” or “Don’t die! There’s so much good things in life”. I’m just a 19 years old male college student, that’s considering suicide so that ” My family will be better off without me”.

I’m quite shocked by your hard life experience. And in a way, quite understand why you decided to suicide.

I have to admit, you have a life, way harder than mine. For my own personal experience I have a broken family, money problems, bullied from kindergarten to middle school, sexually harassed by my male friend from kindergarten to middle school (he’s a way more popular guy than me, a “good kid”, i have no confidence to speak out about the problem to anyone). He didn’t harass me that bad, he only rubbed his private parts with mine while wearing underwear. It’s a bit traumatic nevertheless.

My problems, are honestly quite mild compared to yours. I want to say something hopeful like ” Do your best, and start living life the way you want” But that words are nothing but sick sugary words.

But nevertheless, i still hope, as useless as a hope be. I still hope your situation will get better, and you can live an independent live where you can decide things for yourself.

Thanks for sharing your stories, i truly appreciate it

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