This may sound like a critical post, which is unfair. Yet at the same time, this is coming from a dream where the world can be bettered when it comes to acceptance and belonging.
One of the biggest things that I dislike is when people are quick to see jealously as a toxic emotion that shouldn’t be expressed, and if you dare to express it, you need to be shunned. The thing is, jealously is portrayed as this insidious emotion that is used by those who only wish to manipulate and cause pain. It’s seen as something used by those with no empathy.
But the thing is, jealously can be a sign of having to endure life without the necessary things to flourish and grow. Like a warm happy family, acceptance from peers, a social circle who provides you with the company and happy memories you share together. These things that can easily be taken for granted by those who never struggled to achieve them.
And people do take it for granted, which is another thing that does cause me a sense of annoyance. That instead of being defensive when this is pointed out, it should be an opportunity to sit back and really think about how lucky you are. To count your blessings and to see it as a positive aspect of yourself, that the self awareness you’re now been received can help you to be even more of an empathic person.
But instead, when you’re someone without any family members and suffered abuse (not me… just as an example) and have someone continuously bring up happy times they spend with their family members, and then proceed to say to them “it really hurts me when you share these things with me, please can we change the topic”, they’re quick to take offense!
“Oh, how dare you’re jealous. How dare you shame me for talking about my family and sharing my positive experiences with you!” when the reality is, it can be something so simple as not being able to cope with that one topic, and they can support your other achievements. That this person can be a beacon of light in other ways, but is just being honest and asking if it’s okay to not share with them about a trigger.
I know there are nicer and more considerate ways to sum this up, but then you’ve got so many people who like to chant “Be honest! Just be yourself!” so why are we complaining when people do open up about their emotions? It isn’t a crime. We’re following all of those mantras they keep on chanting and weirdly they have an issue, with being open about emotions and being yourself.
Also another point, jealously doesn’t always come with the intention to hurt another. In fact it needs to be toned down a little, the stigma behind it. Being honest and letting someone know when you do feel jealous (and I’m talking about proper jealously, where you’re getting the urge to upset someone in retaliation towards your own emotions) so together you can find a way to diffuse the situation instead of keeping it quiet and letting everything become toxic. Yep. That’s when the toxicity happens.
Also we need to cut out the rubbish and stop saying that we’re okay with people “being themselves” if we have not got the capacity as a collective to handle emotions, apologising, vulnerability etc. Society is built on virtual signalling and fake mantras. Why are people so pressured into wearing a fake smile, having to bottle it up and be disgusted by their own emotions?
Be aware, by the way. It isn’t black and white. I understand this completely, vulnerability can be triggering in itself. Especially to someone who is trying to escape their own demons and be strong. It’s okay to cope by being strong and wearing a smile. In fact wearing a fake smile can help trick you into wearing real smiles. It can spark joy.
But I’m talking about when there is PRESSURE. PRESSURE to conform. PRESSURE to wear a fake smile and not be allowed to display any emotions.
It’s all complicated. I don’t understand life.
Then the pressure to “be confident” instead of just being present in the moment and processing any emotions that are required to process. Why can’t someone be anxious in public? Oh right. It’s because anxiety is judged and isn’t necessarily tolerated and seen as a weakness. So it’s not the fact this person can’t be anxious and eventually relaxed if given the freedom and acceptance by peers, but instead “confidence” is forced and anxiety is a big no-no.
Like confident is great for those who can easily find it! Confident is great for those who comfortably make the decision to be confident! But why is it a requirement for those starting out? Why does it have to be a MUST?
And then all the complexities when it comes to interaction with another, I’m not sure when I will find another person who is able to be left alone by an old friend for YEARS and still welcome them in with open arms because of the memories you created together. I have no idea if I’ll ever meet a person who can distance themselves from a conversation, without the intention to ghost altogether. That if things get rough for even an internet stranger, I’ll come back in a months time and check up on them.
Why is there always awkwardness? Huh? Why does it have to be awkward to not talk to someone for years and then be friendly again? Do memories just get erased? Because it shouldn’t be this complicated. Not with friends who you never fell out with. We’re not items but people with souls. And as for the internet strangers, why does checking up on someone and remembering their situation have to be creepy? Swear this is all being socially pressured into us and has no basis on the downfall of humanity. This isn’t going to destroy us.
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Wonder if anyone would read this or just gloss over this because it’s hard hitting and nobody likes to handle the truth. 😀
I know that’s a blunt statement. I’m anhedonic and got taken for granted for years before I lost my emotions.
Well, the truth IS hard to take (i did read your whole post btw). But you also have to keep in mind the kind of world we’re living in, as in: lots of people just live day by day without questioning anything. The whole “people ain’t got time for that” meme that was prominent decades ago comes to mind.
Take jealousy for instance, you mention you dislike how it’s seen as something negative and i agree, it isn’t negative per-se and it can even be something good (a motivator to achieve whatever it is that you’re lacking). The problem is when people start sabotaging others out of jealousy… and i’m guessing that’s what everyone sees as negative, but they don’t take the time to separate both. I guess something similar happens with most things seen as “problematic”, which kinda breaks the escapism “bubble” that most people live in.
I could go into the contradictory nature of the whole “be yourself” trend and the constant cancel culture which negates the first one, but i guess you already know this: agendas complicate life. Not refering to social or political agendas, just everyone’s agenda. We’re what, more than 8 billion people? we are bound to have our ideas clash with other’s ideas and that in turn complicates life. That’s just a sketchy theory tho, which i’ve discussed with a few people irl, because in the end who knows why things are the way they are, it took ages to get us to where we’re at.
You do mention confidence, awkwardness and dealing with others, but you know… that’s all relative (most things are). Sadly everything that involves others is highly subjective, and i could make an easy example out of it: to me confidence is not caring and a bit selfish (even if it’s needed), i tend to keep a distance from my few friends and they do the same, i have a few friends that i see every few years and we get along great (even if i tend to forget things), and i don’t see anything wrong with remembering people online and checking on them. Yet, i know of many people that would have the same outlook that you mention: you need confidence, you keep distance to ghost me, i forget you if we don’t talk in a while, you’re creepy for checking.
As it stands, yeah, life is crapshoot and our species is weird AF. That doesn’t mean you can’t find people that have a mindset a bit more similar to yours… it’s quite difficult, but not impossible. My few friends can attest to that (and i mean FEW with capital letters).
Only reason why people don’t spend day to day questioning things is because they’re lucky to have not been bullied to the point their confidence is crippled. They’re lucky to not have undergone severe emotional abuse from peers at a young age. To make themselves become hyper-vigilance as a result of other people’s shitty actions. And confidence just leaves a sour taste in my mouth.. it’s not fair towards those who suffered abuse, or those who have anxiety. Confidence is just a massive social expectation as this point and sucks. People treat you better when you’re confident which shouldn’t be the case.
Plus I find when it comes to me being confident, people get the arse. Tell me to stop apologising or being myself. So how can I be confident when people won’t let me and punish me for it.
Like people can bash my skull in and I’m meant to be good with that. If I go out and express an opinion, I’d get shamed and treated like dirt.
That’s just an observation I want to make.
Pretty good points, you might be into something there, people do tend to be more prone to questioning everything if they’ve gone through hardships (not always tho, i do know a few that fall into that category and have had a relatively “calm” life). Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you try to make sense of why things happen to begin with and then it turns into habit? i could only speak for myself there, because generalizing doesn’t always give you an accurate answer.
Confidence is a weird one, and i think it has to do with two factors: perception and expectations from others. As in, you might see that others response to your confidence as harsher than it actually is, but that is in part your own perception (which would ironically mean your confidence ain’t that strong)… and in the other hand, if people are used to see you as non confident and then see you have confidence… yeah, they just see it as odd and call you out since they expect that you act without confidence as usual.
There’s also the fact that confidence doesn’t mean others will agree with the points that you make. I’ve seen people that have lots of it yet get crap after expressing their opinion, the only difference? they don’t give it that much importance, because… yeah, you guessed it, confidence.
Might be wrong on all of it tho, since i’m not exactly the most confident person in the world (wish i was).
Just wish it wasn’t a requirement for people to treat you better.
Those people who live calm lives after being emotionally abused are lucky. Guess my autism doesn’t help either with the questioning, but that shouldn’t necessarily be seen as a bad habit either, I love to connect the dots.
Wish people would’ve let me develop confidence though, and for that I am angry, upset and sickened.
Also wish people would recognise where their confidence came from and realise how lucky they are, and have more awareness into why some simply can’t feign confidence and instead require help. Or be taught to develop confidence.
Wish someone could do that for me. That would change my existence for the better.
Jealousy is usually presented with an element of anger, so it’s natural to react defensively to it. I think we are able to pick up on it quickly in most cases, but we’re just hard wired to push back against it, because it’s normally not associated with positivity, or constructive interaction. I guess jealousy could be utilized to point out a need, but it will be taking the long way around towards the expression of that need, as opposed to the jealous person choosing a less offensive, more tactful way of expressing themselves. It’s not until emotions cool that perhaps
someone would be able to see the lesson being presented to them by the jealous person. I’d much rather hear someone say “A little constructive criticism if I may” or “Hey, can we discuss something you did that upset me.” I may not like whats about to be said, but with a less confrontational attitude and sincere presentation, most issues can be discussed and result in a good outcome. But that’s me. The latter statement is, in some cases, very likely to anger someone just as effectively as if they were the recipient of the behavior of a jealous person. I think all my gibberish just basically is another way of saying “you catch more flies with honey than vinegar. ” Jealousy is a negative emotion, I can’t say I’ve ever seen it garner an immediate positive reaction, and rarely even a delayed one. It usually leaves a bitterness that lingers.
What is jealousy? If you think about it, it’s just the most negative term to say that someone has something you desire, you admire something about them. Desirable, admiration, envious: these words don’t carry the same negative connotations that have been socially ascribed the “jealous” while they mean essentially the same thing, covetous. Honestly, I blame the Bible for the negativity around the words jealous, covet, and envy as they are expressly portrayed as bad.
I see it like this, it’s not the emotion that’s bad, it’s the action taken on that emotion that either make it positive or negative.
It’s just unfair when people are not being jealous to hurt, but are expressing that something is a trigger to them. And yet the person continues to trigger, by justifying that they should be allowed to talk about it, because it’s what makes them happy. Instead of coming to a compromise.
People are so quick to slap labels on an emotion or an action, instead of looking inside the box some more.
It happens so much with those who suffer from trauma that they get kicked over and over, for things like apologising, or being disheartened when someone has a better life (not in the “I’m going to make you hurt because you’ve got a family and I don’t!) but the whole “stop talking about your family, it’s triggering me.”
It’s also a problem when someone presents with trust issues. However we have NO problem caring for abused dogs and giving them the patience and love they need to overcome their issues. Instead when it comes to people, we treat them like a disease which are toxic. Even if the trust issues aren’t personal or a reflection of the recipients personality.
It’s just stupid and I hate it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
I’ve thought of many of the same things, like jealousy, but never managed to put them into my own words.
It takes bravery and effort to post this, so thanks again.
It’s not bravery for me though, I’ll express this about the world regardless.