My father is 81 and wants to die. My mom died 5 years ago and he is still fucked up over it, as am I. He wants to die and although he is not doing anything active to try to kill himself, he will not do what should be done in order to live a good life. His lack of action and choices WILL lead to his death.
I’m not asking what I can do legally, as the answer is nothing since he is not making an active attempt. But what I am asking is what do I do for me? How do I deal with this? How can I say goodbye? I can’t talk him out of it. I’ve cried, pleaded, had a complete nervous breakdown in December, and I can do nothing. I fear the day he is no longer here. I still love him. I am not ready to lose him.
I guess I am asking rhetorical questions. No one can do anything. Right now, I just need to know I am not alone. This makes ME want to die, and I know it’s as easy as leaving the car running in the closed garage. I am so close to that. I don’t want to die, though, I just want. this. pain. to. end. Please, please someone tell me I am not alone.
3 comments
Sounds like you already have some of your answer. Try this. Tell him a stupid Dad joke. A motorcycle cop sees an old lady knitting a sweater while driving. He pulls up and yells “Pullover!” at her. She looks up in surprise, holds up the sweater, and says “No, its a cardigan!” Sit with him and let him be your Dad, absorb his words. Hold his hand, if thats an option. Let him know his wifes child, part of her, is right there with him, in the flesh. Bring him water, dinner, newspapers, hide his slippers and lie about it, then toss them on his bed and smile. You’ve got from now until his final day to enjoy one another, and thats something. See yourself in him, reminisce about things you both enjoyed. There’s nothing else to do that will change his situation, so just utilize your remaining time to let him know how much you obviously care for him. It’ll do you both a world of good. And I’m sorry you’re dealing with the frustration of this.
^ This right here. I cannot stress enough how important everything Once said is. Show him how to appreciate the small things. Show him the essence of life’s simplicities; funny movies, making food together, watching his favorite show with him, discussing things that interest the both of you, talk about things you want to do together, have a picnic, I could go on. Simple, blissful things. The sort of events you’d see in a cheesy rom-com, you know? There’s a reason we envy the characters in those kinds of movies. They seem so happy in these incredibly simple situations. It has potential, so no harm in giving it a try. Best of luck to both you and your father.
At times such as these, my fatalist instincts kick in. It helps me, not sure if it will help you;
No matter what you do, he will die. There is no way to screw it up, and there is no “right way” to do it. It’s a sucky situation, and hurting is what those do.
You have a chance to say goodbye. Take advantage of it, realizing that most people die relatively suddenly due to the cultural denial of death we do in the west. I will die, you will die, and everyone you have ever known will someday die. That’s painful huh? On the other hand, scarcity makes a commodity precious, and if you have found someone on this earth that you can’t stand the thought of losing, you’re living life to the full.
Day by day, all most of us do is make the best of crap situations. It is a dark time for the species in general, and being social animals all of us are feeling it. We stay alive because it’s the best we can do. Someday, perhaps, there will be meaning.
I’ve been watching WW1 and WW2 documentaries, about other people living through dark times. My whole life I have studied pain, in hopes of finding a way to get humans to seek less of it as a species. No luck yet, but I try, as people tend to do. I think about Victor Frankl quite a bit; he survived the concentration camps of World War 2, and laid out an essentially existential philosophy; life is short, good things are in short supply, try to enjoy what you have, and to avoid thinking about what you’d like to have.
Desire feeds the machine, so comfort yourself that your desire translates into the economy running and thus the materialist world experiencing joy. It stops feeding it when you realize none of the things you buy, none of the words you read will ever stop the pain. All you can ever do is the best you can, and I’d say you’re doing that. Either enjoy their secondary joy, or cause them pain and enjoy denying it. Remind yourself that your decisions can either please or bother others, that is the only way to verify that you are in fact alive.