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I Can’t Do This Anymore

by llio_vy

I’m young, and some people might think that i haven’t known real pain. I’m turning 19 this year and life isn’t going good. My depression first started years ago when my parents degraded me, even calling me a moron for not doing well in my exam. I was humiliated so i started to do well in my next exams and i did well in highschool. It wasn’t enough for them, they still degraded me even when i got an above average result. I got an offer to enter a uni but i got rejected, probably i wasn’t good enough for them. I don’t have enough money to go to private uni so that’s that. Anyway, i am starting to understand that no matter how hard “i” try, I’ll never be enough for anyone especially not my parents. I don’t want to hate them but they are one reason why i am depressed.

Sorry if my English is bad.

Believe me. I wanted it to get better. I believed everything would get better. I have been delaying my death because i want to try keeping on going. But it didn’t get better. I’d rather not live as a NEET or shut in or a failure. I’m tired of failing and failing and my parents comparing me with my successful sisters. I tried and tried and tried so hard but i always fail in the end. I don’t believe in God but if he does exist he really hates me.

Next Sunday, 14/3/2021, i will end my life. My depression, my failure as a person and family constantly making me feel worse and me being bored of life would be the reason. I’m not even scared anymore. I thought of ways to do it but i decide I’m going to drown. I don’t need help or people saying don’t do it or even helpline. I just want to say goodbye.

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8 comments

blue_dude15 3/8/2021 - 10:58 pm

Oh gosh, this really resonates with me.
I`m actually younger than you, a teen in high school and my parents also constantly put me down and stress me out about my grades. But that’s not right. Parents should be supportive. It saddens me that so many parents are like this. (i think your english sounds fine, by the way)
It`s all just so overwhelming, isn`t it?
Your pain is real. Really goddamn real.
You deserve better, you really do. And you are so strong for hanging onto life for this long, even if you`re tired of fighting.
Now, I`m going to give you that typical don`t do it bullsh*t. I know you are so sick of hearing this, but please please don`t give in to your depression. You`ve already made it so far. And if you do survive the attempt, it`s only going to make everything more stressful.
I know it`s really ironic of me to say that, since I planned out my death date as well. But then on the night, I was suddenly like; screw this. screw my depression. And this sounds so stupid but I didn`t kill myself to… well, to annoy my own depression. I don`t know if this makes any sense, and you can`t exactly annoy depression, you can only annoy yourself but that`s what went through my mind that night. It was like a small victory. “Ha, I beat my depression, even if it`s just for tonight” I`m not saying it will work for you, but it did for me. Lol, I know it sounds really dumb, sorry for my rant
I really hope you stay safe. I wish you good luck

Abnormal.Thoughts 3/9/2021 - 8:36 am

Just the fact that you can speak more than one language is something to be proud of, I can’t, a lot of people can’t. And English is a very difficult language.
You can get through life without going to uni, don’t let that discourage you. Don’t compare yourself to your siblings either, not every person is the same, we have different needs and wants.
I hope you hang in there and don’t go through with your plan, give yourself more time to see where your path leads, at 18 you have everything ahead of you, so many things can change drastically.
I like what blue dude said, just annoy your depression for a while, maybe it will stop pestering you for a while.

ObiWan 3/9/2021 - 7:00 pm

19 for me was the last decent year of my life and I’m 26 now, since then my life, every year has been HORRIBLE. I was really strong then but now I am not. I like you was ready to kill myself at 19 to avoid it becoming so terrible. It was the last time I felt ok, why I was choosing to commit then because I knew it would never be ok again. Literally for the last 4.5 years I have sat alone in a cold dark room, not happy for a moment & only completely miserable. It is very bad to the point I am considering asphyxiation with carbon monoxide in my back yard.

mindlessgamer619 3/9/2021 - 7:06 pm

I started on SP myself around your age as well. You’re at the point in your life now where you’re teetering into adulthood and have to start figuring out life.

I can understand being held to a certain standard, I was the standard, and I didn’t like it. You (general you not you you) pressure yourself by comparing yourself to other people who seem to be doing better. Better grades, supposedly smarter, etc. Part of me feels that you should only be comparing yourself to, well, you. I’m just sorry that it’s gotten to that degree for you. I won’t be the don’t do it guy, I know there’s more nuance and gray that what’s said here, but I do hope for better for you, regardless of what choice you wind up making.

system 3/9/2021 - 8:09 pm

I hate to be the person to say this, but it’s *really* difficult to drown yourself because of natural fight/flight instincts.

BlueBirdie 3/19/2021 - 5:47 am

Are you still with us? Sending love and peace to you, wherever you are. You are a brave soul.

they.call.me.lin 3/20/2021 - 10:16 am

hey bb. are you still here? i hope so,, cuz- the world needs you. even if you dont believe me rn, i promise you it does. if you believe that nobody needs you, im telling you: i need you. more than you think i do. if youre still here and you want to talk- im here. im right here for you. anytime. i hope youll read this honey <3 i love you

they.call.me.lin 3/20/2021 - 10:55 am

sending much love and hugs for yall <33

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