Numb

I think I’ve run out of the capacity to feel. I feel so empty inside nowadays. I’ve quit some unhealthy habits in my life yet I still feel no different. I’ve lost my ambition; I complete my schoolwork more out of a lack of interest in anything else but I never really feel like I’m taking anything else in. I’ve stopped caring about my health and my relationships. I keep my head in sports and other hobbies but it all feels so half assed. I’ve started drinking heavily, my first time in while since I found other means of high.  I don’t worry too much about it, whether sober or drunk I still feel empty, I’m just more honest about it drunk. Had some twat make threats to me the other week,  I feel scared of what would happen to my loved ones, but I seem to have very little care about what would happen to me. I don’t even know who I am, what I want or where I’m going anymore. Life’s full of suffering and the best of it is definitely behind me, leaving nothing but the pain and responsibility of age. Debilitating health, dead end jobs and the gradual withering of my connections to those I love now doesn’t really seem worth it. But the thought of something worse on the other side keeps me from the rope. The only time I feel happy is in ignorance, void of the knowledge of the pain of existence.