i dont know exactly what youre going through but from what i can pick up on what you said, i hope this quote helps at least a little.

“you are not your abuse.
you are not what they did to you.
you are not your trauma.

you are the cleverness that survived.
you are the courage that escaped.
you are the power that hid and protected a tiny spark of your light.

you will fan that spark into a bonfire of rage and love,
and with it you will burn all their lies to ash.”