Closer

I’m literally getting closer and closer to doing it. My plan was to graduate college first, but God damn it, I’m this close to saying fuck it and just throwing myself off of a building. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so fucking tired of being alive, putting effort into shit that doesn’t make me even mildly content. I’d say I wonder how everybody else does it, but I can’t muster up the desire to care. I don’t care about anything anymore.

I go through my days miserable. Sometimes I’m considering if it would really be all that easy to step in front of a car while crossing the  street. I find myself looking at the windows of my classrooms, trying to judge whether the fall would be enough.

I want to just disappear into the woods and never come back. I think that’s how I want to go out; just vanish suddenly, leave no trace. Just go somewhere deep in the woods and never come back. I want to become a part of the woods. Heh, maybe I’ll become a ghost, destined to haunt the forest for all eternity. Would that really be so bad?

I’m not afraid to die. I’m not worried about what I’ll look like if someone finds my body. And I’m not worried about how the people I care about will react. Does that make me a monster? I genuinely don’t know what is holding me back. If I’m being completely honest, it would be easier to kill myself now. If I go back home, than I have to get away from the family, call off of work, get somewhere that I can be undisturbed. If I do it here, all I have to do is start walking. There’s a nice bit of woods about half an hour from here. It has a creek, lots of trees.

I don’t know. Not yet, I guess.