Idk what to do anymore

Welcome to planet earth. We are all neurotic here. It is a beautiful insane asylum with just every possible distraction, of both the pleasant and unpleasant variety.

But the main theme of our life here, as far as I can understand, is to learn how to overcome these internal mental hinderances. Many find permanent distractions to doing that, whether it be wealth, power, achievement, drugs, sex, etc.

On the flip side, depression, anxiety and darkness can be clung to as well in order to avoid doing what needs to be done.

I know what you are going through. Ive been stuck there for very long periods of time and still go back frequently. There was a time when I was insane.

About the only thing that has helped me deal with it is Buddhist descriptions of all this and meditation techniques. I have found Bante Vimilaramsi’s teachings to be most exceptional. He has a great body of material on YouTube. His take on meditation is the best one Ive come across.

Traditional counsellors have all been unable to reach me, I now see that whole thing as trap.

Psychedelic drugs have enabled me to understand and believe some of this Buddhist stuff, but they can do no more than that and must not be used as a permanent method, or else they make things worse.

I hope you find your way in this life.