I wish I had died when I was still a kid. Around that time, I think I really realized I don’t want to live, that everything is pointless. At least I didn’t yet realize what the deal was with my family, and I still believed Santa Claus exists.
I would have missed nice things (mainly those that did not happen to me but were books, movies and ideas), and I would have also missed endless self-loathing, painful interactions with others that bore no fruit whatsoever, the endless frustration, the endless boredom. I would have skipped dealing with mental illness, and knowledge that I’m a disappointment to my family, as much as they are to me.
Today, I realized that I can at least be happy because I am going to die, it’s only a matter of whether I’ll wait or not. And it’s sad. To live like this. The longer i wait, the more bitter I’ll become. I’ll lose who I am.
I know that I wasn’t always completely like this, but it’s as if a little worm entered my ear , it ate my flesh bit by bit until most of “me” is actually that weak, nagging parasite. I wish it could have ended before it turned out like this.
2 comments
I wish to share with you Absolute Love and kindness and Thankfulness, and everything positive and lovely ^^, I am grateful that you are alive, and I feel happy, the love in my heart could in the slightest fraction be transmitted to yours <3
I believe that your family is grateful to have you ^^, you know, we humans not always express our love.
If anything, I send you lots and lots of Love!! <3
About the last paragraph; yeah, I can totally relate to you: it's as if the things that used to give us pleasure, no longer do. In my case I'm trying to use it positively, by turning myself towards what is more meaningful, and satisfied my core self.
Please, despair not; things may seem and feel bad, I urge you in the most convincing terms possible, to look forward to a bright future, that things get better, and that the internal state can be healed.
Life has Infinite Value, you are Infinitely Precious ^^,
P.S. I am sorry if anything, I rejoice that Santa Claus is rejoicing the hearts of children worldwide ^^, stnicholascenter . org/who-is-st-nicholas
i despise bitter. also, i just invented a perpetual motion machine of self hate.