I want somebody, anybody to be by my side… Yet I know I couldn’t stand anybody who is an actual human being getting too close.
That’s because this ‘somebody, anybody’ in these two sentences are not referring to the same thing.
I’d better say: I long for some kind of meaning, some kind of connection, a way to escape this feeling of solitude and despair,of wanting to die every day all day long, but I know this can’t be achieved by mingling with other people. I’ve always been alone somehow. I’m at peace with the fact it will stay that way. Rationally, I actually prefer being alone.
For I have no interest in ever finding a boyfriend, relying on my friends too much , having a family of my own or anything like that.
Families are nests of misery. Why have one? So that we can be alone together? Make each other miserable? Nah thanks, I’ve already seen to much of that.
I don’t understand why would I feel something so irrational. Yet I do.
And trying to understand doesn’t help.