I don’t think I will ever be happy. I’ve tried everything I can, things will be okay for a couple of weeks and then it always comes crashing down, but I never feel happy. I either feel nothing and completely empty and then I feel everything, I don’t know if it’s because I suppress my feelings for so long to try to be better and then I finally feel all the pain I was holding in. I have tried, I’ll eat healthy for a while, take care of myself, focus on school, stop cutting, I even got a job. But I can never keep up with it. I hate going to work, and I haven’t done my school work in weeks. I feel like everyone hates me, when I’m at work I feel like they can hear my thoughts and they are making fun me. They tip my coworker way more than me and are nicer to her. I’m not sure if I’m just being paranoid or what. I don’t even feel real most of the time. I have cut myself 10 times today. I can’t take it anymore, there is no hope for me. Why won’t anyone fucking help me. My mom is really the only one I have and I feel like she even hates me lately, she called my a crazy ***** today because I felt she was being mean to me. I have asked her so many times to help me because I feel depressed, but she always just tells me to think positively, and that we can’t afford a doctor. There is seriously no hope for me , what am I supposed to do, no one will listen and I can’t get help. I know I’ve already said I want to kill myself so many times, and I keep saying these things, but it’s all I can think about. I’m too scared to do it, but I’m scared to keep living too.
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You remind me of me a lot. I use to cut all the time I have hundreds of scars and I had many suicide attempts some more serious than others. I worked in the food industry and hated it always. It was just so toxic to be there. But that’s just me. I found something else and stopped cutting and having suicide attempts and things just got better. My advise it to try and change things up even if it’s scary. I was unhappy and I was having problems but I just kept trying to change things and it took years and years but I feel a lot better than I used to. If you feel you really are in a bad place try changing up something. Maybe a new job or get a new hobbies. Maybe a new city or just try a different school program. Maybe you’re on the right path though. Just look for something that you wanna change and do it if you really are unhappy with something. Wish you the best. I always advise against doctors for stuff like this. They give you pills that are bad or charge you money to talk and it’s hard to pay or feels bad. I’d you really wanted to talk to somebody just to vent or just cause you wanted you could probably just ask me or the internet and it would work. Hope you’re doing okay.
You know it might not seem like it but there are definitely people out there willing to help you out or simply just listen to your thoughts and feelings. It’s hard to believe because there’s so much fakeness out there. However, even if you do find a place or someone who can help you out, you’ll often be asked to pay a price for it in exchange for their time. If you ask me, I don’t see anything particularly wrong with that if that’s what you’re okay with. Unfortunately more often than not, people in your situation will suffer financially due to their emotional suffering. So in the end there’s not much you can do to help your situation when it comes to counseling or finding a “doctor”. It’s a terrible paradox. But it’s like I said, there are people out there who want to help simply because they want to. The internet is a great tool for this kind of thing. It can definitely create genuine connections if we use it right. As someone who is struggling with alcoholism and as someone who sought out support on the internet I can safely say it’s possible to find support that doesn’t feel like a transaction. The people that I found were very helpful. It was a relief to have found people who were just like me. Many people desire to find a place where they feel like they belong. Unfortunately you can’t always find those places in the real world in your immediate radius. And even if they are around your neighborhood you may not even be aware. If I were you I’d definitely search around on the internet for local clubs/groups/counseling/etc and then I’d go to one in person. You might be surprised by how many people you can find.