Something N

I don’t even really know what to say anymore. I went into work this morning thinking “You got through the day last Monday, you can get through today. You got through last week, you can get through this week” Today felt longer than any day last week. In the morning I knew I had a task and I did it, but I felt like I screwed it up as usual. I just don’t have any confidence in anything I do. When they ask a question, I panic and have no idea if what I’m saying is right. I have no idea what I’m doing. I think the worst thing about it is the constant anxiety of being around other people. I have this fear that someone is going to come up to me and say “What are you doing here? You’re in the way. You’re not supposed to be here.” I know I’m not important enough to bother saying anything to, but every time anyone looks in my direction or is walking towards me, I have a heart attack. Today about 3 people came up to me and talked to me asking what I was doing. Not in the way I was mentioning, but just as an innocent way. I mean it was fair. After all I was just standing there observing the production process and taking the time, like I was asked to. It was probably uncomfortable for me to be just standing there just watching the production workers. Whenever they look my way I just think “Man I’m sorry. I really wish I wasn’t hovering off to the side staring at you either. If I could be invisible and not bother you, I’d do it.” I don’t know. During the day I think to myself, I should really try to cry and let it out when I get home. When things pool up in my head and writing doesn’t help (it never really does), I try and find time to be by myself and cry. Just to get it out. To let the pressure leak out safely. But I can’t seem to get it out. I think my head’s broken. On a side note I got on a waiting list for a therapist. In 2 or 3 weeks I should start. I’m going to look for other counselors to see if I can find one that can take me immediately, but the one for the waiting list takes my insurance and the appointments are on the weekends or late evenings. I don’t know if I’ll make it through this. And the thing is it wasn’t even that hard. A lot more people have worse things to deal with. I just don’t know man. It also pisses me off that the stress is giving me light insomnia. I wake up four to five times a night because I was dreaming of work and my mind just rejects it and wakes up. I hate it so much. I’m tired.