Ungrateful asshole

Everytime. Everytime I feel something I just belittle the emotions and push them aside, shut them off. I tell myself I’m an ungrateful asshole, that I don’t have any reason at all to kill myself, and then I hold it in until my mind is falling apart right now. Like right now. I watched Inception today and, for some reason it made me cry really hard after I had watched it. I remembered the way that I actually felt, but it’s not very clear to me now, maybe ten minutes later. I barely remember it, it’s so blurry. My mind is a such a ***** lmao. Well how would you otherwise say it? My mind tells me “you’re not allowed to feel, you’re not allowed to have memories.” But why? Why am I not allowed to have memories and emotions? Fucking piece of shit. Ungrateful asshole, that’s what I am. I should be thanking myself for protecting me. ???? Nothing makes sense. That’s what makes sense. The part about the movie that made me cry is well, the whole movie I was I don’t know, there’s probably some medical term for it but I wasn’t sure what’s real and what’s not, I could barely focus on anything, and then when well. I don’t really want to spoil the movie, but when Mal said she didn’t know what’s real or not and the only way out was suicide… That’s the same shit that I’ve been thinking. Literally the same. So I was just in shock for some time and then I started crying after the movie wnded and then I wasn’t allowed to feel anymore, and now my emotions are not there. They are there, but I don’t feel them. Deep down I probably feel them but really the only thing I feel is my mind and body basically working their asses off to try to kill me. I’m fucking working on dying and I don’t know how not to. Should I? Definitely don’t try to stop it, it’s the only thing that you want to do. You’ve been telling yourself for months the only thing that you want to do is kill yourself but you don’t have the willpower to do it so now your unconscious mind is doing it for you, you should be grateful. I don’t remember. Grateful is probably nice. But I’m working on dying for sure. I don’t want to stop. This is fucked up.