I’ve been like this for 3 years now. My memory doesn’t even work anymore, everything is just a blur to me. Sometimes it’s crystal clear but today I barely remember a thing. I started working out and I started waking up earlier… 7:30 AM every day. It’s been three weeks and now I want to die. I thought that if I just kept pushing maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad but today is just not a good day.
Two days ago I felt awesome and now the past couple of days I want to die, and literally nothing changed except that I masturbated a […]
There’s always something new.
What more can I say?
There’s just always something new.
And it’s never a good thing
Well really, I do want to say more than that, but I thought it sounded pretty neat. Speaking of the word neat, I always thought that it would rhyme with caveat. But those two words dont rhyme.
I’ve been kind of, “productive” these past few days. If you can call it that. Well, yeah, I guess it’s the right word, the problem is that everyone says it’s not good enough. They just go “Hey man, you seem fucking miserable and you need to eat more. Just […]
I wrote the second half of this text a couple of months ago but I had a similar thought again so I thought I should expand on it.
I had the realization, that I don’t see myself as a real person. Everyone else seems to take the fact that they are real for granted – not me. It’s not a philosophical thing, it’s really just the way I feel. I imagined being torn inside out about 20 minutes ago, it was a nice thought. I can imagine the burning sensations when my raw insides get exposed to the outside world. I can see my ribs bending […]
I’m so in love with this girl that I cry and feel nauseous every day, clearly I am lovesick. Everyone supports me. I have removed all of the negativity that was in my life before and I am able to communicate properly with everyone around me. So now I am the only problem left. And I know just the solution to that hahahahahha. I know they care about me, they just dont know how happy they would be if I was gone really, how much of a positive impact it would make when I’m gone, it would be a relief for everybody! I’m clearly not […]
Hello again. This isnt really a vent post or anything sad, I just wanted to clear my head a little bit. For the past few days, maybe even the past week. I’ve been reading the Bible quite a lot. And yesterday I went through every single one of my posts on this website lol, reading all of them took more than 2 hours.
I guess I should say thank you to everyone that has helped me here, especially System (I dont know what happened to them but I hope theyre doing well), and HeartlessViking. I want to say that my life is getting better, and I […]
I don’t know who to talk to anymore, so I’m back here, because no one wants or cares about me, and the people who do don’t understand how serious it is. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either.
I guess I should be honest here, if anywhere. Recently, I’ve been having bizarre sexual thoughts about my family and God, who are supposed to be these sacred things that you should never sexualize and I hate myself for it and the only thing I can blame is the abilify. That horrible horrible drug that yes, has removed some of […]
Hi. I dont think anyone is around from back when I posted here regularly, so I won’t say anything. This post is mostly because a friend of mine told me I should write a letter to the girl that used to be everything to me, and then left me and shattered my whole world even more than it already was. Anyway, I’ll start.
Reading back on the messages we sent to each other, I can tell that you probably didnt like me that much. I mean you said you were cold and empty and that you never felt good about anything but I didn’t believe it. […]
I’m not depressed. I’ve always been fascinated by death and bored by life. Even when I was a kid. I was taught to be christian, but it always seemed so boring to me, I never had any dreams of being a fireman or a police or a doctor or anything, my dream as a 5 year old was to be an old, lonely alcoholic that hated the world as much as he hated himself. I was seven years old the first time I wanted to kill myself. I was eleven years old when I started to think that I really didn’t fit in anywhere, that […]
Laying awake late at night thinking about all the things I could have done but was too scared to do.
?It’s been about five days since my last suicide attempt. That day I didn’t really want to kill myself and not right now either but I felt like it was the only thing left for me to do. I stopped myself at the last second though, thinking that there is still a lot of things that I want to do. Like having a close relationship with someone. Doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or something romantic. It would probably be best for me if it was just a friend though. I had a crush on a girl at my school which I haven’t gone to […]
In my delusions I somehow managed to convince myself that I’m perfect and there’s nothing wrong with me, again. Yeah I’m a narcissist… my mother isn’t. I’m the problem. I made my mother cry today. It’s not the first time. We got into an argument and it didn’t get very heated but then again that might be another one of my delusions. I just told her I didn’t like her. I don’t have any reason to, but I also don’t have any reason not to. I guess it’s because she is really trying hard to get to know me and actually help me. I’m really […]
He is perfect. I’m worthless. He is funny. I’m boring. He is intelligent. I’m stupid. He is always happy. I’m always in a bad mood. He is generous and cares for others… he’s strong and full of energy. People can trust him when he makes promises. I couldn’t care less about anyone, not even me. I never seem to have any energy, I’m weak and I never keep my promises. He is a liar, I’m honest. He is curious about others and altruistic. He is sadistic. The only thing that makes me feel okay is pain. But both of them are me.
“I contribute nothing. I’m useless. I need to stop acting like I’m depressed and start working.” Those are my mother’s words, not mine. If I talk back I get punished, if I try to help I get humiliated and degraded. Why should I be alive anyway? It’s not like I make anyone’s day better. It’s not like I’m helping anyone. Even the times I have helped someone, it must have been something I imagined because no one else remembers me ever helping anyone. Like, what am I even supposed to do? Everything just gets taken away from me. My parents just undermine all my efforts […]
I’m so bored. I’ve done pretty much everything except for drugs. Maybe I should. I just want to feel something that’s not just… really heavy emptiness and boredom. I’ve listened to so many songs, I’ve watched movies, jerked off, I can eat as much junk food as I want to. But I don’t want to do any of those things. They’re all boring now. Yesterday and the day before that I went out, took a walk. Maybe two hours. I didn’t feel anything except pain in my legs. For like a month and a half I’ve been thinking of just, buying a bottle of vodka, […]
Everytime. Everytime I feel something I just belittle the emotions and push them aside, shut them off. I tell myself I’m an ungrateful asshole, that I don’t have any reason at all to kill myself, and then I hold it in until my mind is falling apart right now. Like right now. I watched Inception today and, for some reason it made me cry really hard after I had watched it. I remembered the way that I actually felt, but it’s not very clear to me now, maybe ten minutes later. I barely remember it, it’s so blurry. My mind is a such a ***** […]
During the time we were together I felt more feelings than I had ever felt in my life before. I felt like shit but I also felt amazing. I know that I’m probably not mature enough to be in a relationship anyway… or ready in any other way. I don’t want her to kill herself. I know that I wanted her to hate me. I know that she did. I know that she doesn’t. Why is she the only thing that I can think about again? One minute of her attention makes me feel like I’m in heaven and one minute without it makes me […]
I’m going to see a therapist tomorrow. I guess you could say it’s “my” therapist but I’m not her only client so the better word is “their”, I think. Or, is there any way to say that you associate with someone without implying possesion? The therapist associated with me at the moment. I think I’m supposed to be optimistic but I’m really not. I’m following a step-by-step guide that I created, I have no idea how many steps there are, I just know that I’m on the third one (destroying habits), and what day the other ones started and ended and the names of those […]
Disillusioned – I think that’s the perfect way to describe how I feel.
When you’re a kid, you’re told that everyone is special and that anyone can change the world, then you grow up and realize that no one is special. I spent almost four whole months just dissassociating, taking long hikes, one hour or more, several times a day and even at night, and I barely slept at all because of nightmares, I barely ate because I had so much anxiety. Now that that’s over, I don’t know what to do. I can barely walk anymore, well I can, if I eat a lot of […]
All I do is wait for the next day. Nothing happens today. Nothing will happen tomorrow. Nothing will happen the day after that. It’s such a boring life, and it feels like I have no choice but to live like this. But what can I say that I or someone else hasn’t already said before? It’s so pointless.
I don’t understand why…
I guess it’s true that they will only miss you when you leave.
What do I even do?
I don’t deserve all this good treatment I’m getting. I don’t deserve anything at all.
I wish everyone would stop trying to help me and just leave me alone.
Is it that hard?
Is it? Is it that hard to just leave me alone and let me die… They are always so curious about me. They want to know what I do, what I want to do, how I feel, what I like, what I don’t like.
Why? Why is anyone interested in […]
Do you feel better? You look pretty good today. Do you feel better than yesterday? For the past two days you have been looking better. Do you feel better? You want to feel better right? Do you feel better? Do you feel better? Is it better today? Hi, do you feel better? Is it better now? Do you feel better? Is it better? You look better, do you feel better? You want to feel better right? Do you worry about the future? You will feel better in the future right? Because you want to feel better in the future right? You want to feel better. […]
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