LeaveMeAlone.

I’ve been trying to eat a certain number of calories for the past 3 weeks or so. Right now its 3 in the morning and I’ve been staying up until I am hungry again so I can reach my calorie goal.

I can’t help but think about when I was starving myself on purpose instead. This doesnt feel a lot better. At least I am almost going to be a healthy weight soon. It’s something.

I don’t like it. I can remember purposefully starving myself and sawing at my skin with a dull knife because I had to do it for some reason. I was convinced I […]

Every time I meet someone it makes me so happy. On Monday this week I helped someone carry a bag on the train station and last week I helped someone with directions. It made me very happy. I often smile when I see other people because they make me happy. I want to meet more people, I don’t want to be alone.

I’ve been like this for 3 years now. My memory doesn’t even work anymore, everything is just a blur to me. Sometimes it’s crystal clear but today I barely remember a thing. I started working out and I started waking up earlier… 7:30 AM every day. It’s been three weeks and now I want to die. I thought that if I just kept pushing maybe I wouldn’t feel so bad but today is just not a good day.
Two days ago I felt awesome and now the past couple of days I want to die, and literally nothing changed except that I masturbated a […]

I wrote the second half of this text a couple of months ago but I had a similar thought again so I thought I should expand on it.

I had the realization, that I don’t see myself as a real person. Everyone else seems to take the fact that they are real for granted – not me. It’s not a philosophical thing, it’s really just the way I feel. I imagined being torn inside out about 20 minutes ago, it was a nice thought. I can imagine the burning sensations when my raw insides get exposed to the outside world. I can see my ribs bending […]

I’m so in love with this girl that I cry and feel nauseous every day, clearly I am lovesick. Everyone supports me. I have removed all of the negativity that was in my life before and I am able to communicate properly with everyone around me. So now I am the only problem left. And I know just the solution to that hahahahahha. I know they care about me, they just dont know how happy they would be if I was gone really, how much of a positive impact it would make when I’m gone, it would be a relief for everybody! I’m clearly not […]

Hello again. This isnt really a vent post or anything sad, I just wanted to clear my head a little bit. For the past few days, maybe even the past week. I’ve been reading the Bible quite a lot. And yesterday I went through every single one of my posts on this website lol, reading all of them took more than 2 hours.

I guess I should say thank you to everyone that has helped me here, especially System (I dont know what happened to them but I hope theyre doing well), and HeartlessViking. I want to say that my life is getting better, and I […]

I don’t know who to talk to anymore, so I’m back here, because no one wants or cares about me, and the people who do don’t understand how serious it is. I don’t want to die, but I don’t want to live either.

I guess I should be honest here, if anywhere. Recently, I’ve been having bizarre sexual thoughts about my family and God, who are supposed to be these sacred things that you should never sexualize and I hate myself for it and the only thing I can blame is the abilify. That horrible horrible drug that yes, has removed some of […]

?It’s been about five days since my last suicide attempt. That day I didn’t really want to kill myself and not right now either but I felt like it was the only thing left for me to do. I stopped myself at the last second though, thinking that there is still a lot of things that I want to do. Like having a close relationship with someone. Doesn’t matter if it’s a friend or something romantic. It would probably be best for me if it was just a friend though. I had a crush on a girl at my school which I haven’t gone to […]

He is perfect. I’m worthless. He is funny. I’m boring. He is intelligent. I’m stupid. He is always happy. I’m always in a bad mood. He is generous and cares for others… he’s strong and full of energy. People can trust him when he makes promises. I couldn’t care less about anyone, not even me. I never seem to have any energy, I’m weak and I never keep my promises. He is a liar, I’m honest. He is curious about others and altruistic. He is sadistic. The only thing that makes me feel okay is pain. But both of them are me.

I’m so bored. I’ve done pretty much everything except for drugs. Maybe I should. I just want to feel something that’s not just… really heavy emptiness and boredom. I’ve listened to so many songs, I’ve watched movies, jerked off, I can eat as much junk food as I want to. But I don’t want to do any of those things. They’re all boring now. Yesterday and the day before that I went out, took a walk. Maybe two hours. I didn’t feel anything except pain in my legs. For like a month and a half I’ve been thinking of just, buying a bottle of vodka, […]

Everytime. Everytime I feel something I just belittle the emotions and push them aside, shut them off. I tell myself I’m an ungrateful asshole, that I don’t have any reason at all to kill myself, and then I hold it in until my mind is falling apart right now. Like right now. I watched Inception today and, for some reason it made me cry really hard after I had watched it. I remembered the way that I actually felt, but it’s not very clear to me now, maybe ten minutes later. I barely remember it, it’s so blurry. My mind is a such a ***** […]

During the time we were together I felt more feelings than I had ever felt in my life before. I felt like shit but I also felt amazing. I know that I’m probably not mature enough to be in a relationship anyway… or ready in any other way. I don’t want her to kill herself. I know that I wanted her to hate me. I know that she did. I know that she doesn’t. Why is she the only thing that I can think about again? One minute of her attention makes me feel like I’m in heaven and one minute without it makes me […]

I’m going to see a therapist tomorrow. I guess you could say it’s “my” therapist but I’m not her only client so the better word is “their”, I think. Or, is there any way to say that you associate with someone without implying possesion? The therapist associated with me at the moment. I think I’m supposed to be optimistic but I’m really not. I’m following a step-by-step guide that I created, I have no idea how many steps there are, I just know that I’m on the third one (destroying habits), and what day the other ones started and ended and the names of those […]