It’s a kind of a mindfuck, being guilty of something where you can’t know the consequences. I suppose the closest comparison would be repeatedly drunk driving and not knowing whether you’d ever hit anyone. Though it’s somehow both far worse and much less direct than that. On the one hand, it’s hard to believe that what I’ve done had any real effect on anyone else. I can construct chains of causation where my actions played a role in ruining someone else’s life. But it’s hard to take them seriously. It’s all hypothetical. I don’t really feel the guilt. What I feel is closer to shame. Or ‘pre-emptive shame’, since so few people know. I’m feeling ashamed in advance, in case somebody ever finds out. I’m ashamed to be the kind of person who has done this disgusting thing. I don’t feel guilty or remorseful for the harm caused to others. I can’t know what harm it caused, if any.
Maybe if someone was to come to me and say ‘because you did this, this happened to me’, then the guilt would fully hit. Perhaps then I’d do the honourable thing, and finally end it.
Possibly I’m in denial. Maybe the causal link is far clearer, and I just don’t want to see it. Or perhaps an act can be irredeemably wrong, regardless of it’s effect on others. It’s hard for me to judge myself objectively. If the majority of sane compassionate people tell you you’re a monster, then chances are you’re a monster.
I could’ve done so many good things in life, if that part of me had never developed. In theory I still could, if I could somehow just forget it. But I can’t. It separates me from society, from everyone around me. And I can’t tell myself that they’re wrong, that I’m innocent. That I never hurt anyone. I don’t know, and I can’t know for sure.
4 comments
I have no idea what you’ve done, but even the most horrible things you have to move on from.
Society wants you to become a productive member – and even if you have committed a crime you would be free again at some point. Punishing yourself ad infinitum will accomplish nothing – even if you deserve it.
Easier to say than do. Generally speaking, society wants me dead, or institutionalized for life. On a purely emotional level, how is one supposed to be a productive member of a society that despises you? When you know that you have to hide the truth from everyone around you, it takes a toll.
You’re right that punishing myself accomplishes nothing. It’s just very hard not to – when everyone around you is constantly remarking on how terrible people like you are, it’s hard not to internalize that.
I agree, easier said than done. And I agree if society is telling you constantly that whatever it is you are is despicable of course you are going to take that in. It is not all that you are.
Could you ever be yourself around anyone? Only you can answer that and finding that out may be more pain on what you are already dealing with. It is possible that people could see more than whatever it is you are, even if it’s not probable. It has to feel terrible feeling stuck in that spot
It’s not all that I am, but unfortunately it’s all that would matter to anyone else. I can’t blame them. I wouldn’t want someone like me to be involved with anyone I cared about. It’s a hopeless feeling, but I can’t claim I don’t deserve it. Thank you for reading, and commenting, and trying to offer hope.